joke thread

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Great jokes everyone.

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by Casper & Kitty
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
...

This triggered my desire to re-watch Jurassic Park again, and the follow-on question is...









Drumroll, please....















What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?
Do-you-think-he-saur-us Rex

[ChrisH]

Some Thoughts on Exercise

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where she is!

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain
figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our
toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when people who annoy
me take them.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach
covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you
die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start
with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

[ChrisH]

Misc thoughts

1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends
be fat.

4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor
with a glance.

5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could
have seen it.

6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!

7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!

8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.

9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!

11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive
you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.

12. I love to give homemade gifts... umm, which one of
the kids would you like?

13. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't
climb the fence!

14. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

15. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till
the feeling passes.

[anna_66]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

[ellensy]

LOL

[AvaJoy]

Have you seen the newest Barbie doll? She is called Divorce Barbie, and she comes with . . . all of Ken's stuff!

And here's a couple for the youngsters:

Q. Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
A. Because their horns don't work.

Q. Why don't you ever see a dead crow in the road?
A. Because there is always one on a telephone pole yelling, "Cah- cah-cah!"

[Former User]

Avajoy, that Barbie joke is a good one!

In a large supermarket, a man approached a very beautiful woman and said, "I've lost track of my wife in here. Could you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

[wolf_Q]

I've read a lot of these jokes but not all of them so sorry if I post something that's already been posted...

This one cracked me up.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F
are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for...
It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...

{B} - Barely there.

{C} - Can't Complain!

{D} - Damn!

{DD} - Double Damn!

{E} - Enormous!

{F} - Fake.

[wolf_Q]

Kinda dumb...


A mama mole, a papa mole, and baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup."
The mama mole sticks her head out the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell honey."
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, to sniff the air, but can't because the
bigger moles are in the way so he says,..."Geez, all I can smell is.......


Are you ready for this....



Hold on....



Here it is.....



MOLASSES!!!!!!!

[wolf_Q]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs, have a
new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy,
bouncy, definitely Caucasian, white baby boy!
"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.
"What will you name the baby"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
"Well . . . . . . . two Wongs don't make a white, so I think we
will name him Sum-Ting Wong.

[wolf_Q]

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
BUT. . ..
If it just sits in your living room,
Messes up your stuff,
Eats your food,
Uses your telephone,
Takes your money,
And doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.

Then, You either married it or gave birth to it!

[Former User]

LOL, that's a good one! For me, it's not true though, LOL, phew!

[wolf_Q]

Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve...


10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he
wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the tv.
remote. (It has been noted that men don't want to see what's on TV;
they want to see WHAT ELSE in on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a Dr.'s appt. on his own.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one
for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never
be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden", Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the eating of the fruit off the tree
incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the number one reason of all (drum roll, fanfare, etc...), God
stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared, "I can do better than that."

[anna_66]

Those are good ones Amy!



****************************
Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"