I hate my MIL!!!!

[Samantha Puppy]

I'd love to have just had the party myself, but the fact of the matter is that Josh and I weren't planning on having any Nuggets for another few years so money is spread extremely thin as it is. We cannot afford hosting a party ourselves. It's not just the high school friends that she didn't want there - it was ANY person of the male persuasion. Josh and I wanted a fun get-together with friends and family. His uncles are a blast to hang out with. We wanted EVERYONE important to us to be at this party, not just women (some of which I can't even stand). I was asked what we wanted for food - I said pizza and beer (obviously no beer for me). THAT is Josh and me - laidback, not pretentious. MIL decides to rent out a room at a local Italian restaurant and serve fancy pasta dishes (Josh hates Italian food - see how "in tune" she is with catering to other people's wants/needs?). Anyway, we just don't have the money to have a party. We usually have a bunch of our friends over once every football season to watch the Ravens and we had to bow out of our turn this year because of finances.

Josh refuses to get in the middle of it. When I told him how I felt, he said "Whatever" and that was that. I can understand that he doesn't want to get involved, so all I ask is that if/when his mother complains to him he back ME up whether or not he agrees with my views.

My mom has already contacted MIL and told her that it's off. I'm waiting for the fireworks and expecting a call from either my mom or MIL or both tonight. My mom is cool - she completely understands how I feel and has apologized a billion times for letting it "get away" from her. I hold no grudges against her - she doesn't understand how MIL works like I do.

And just sucking it up and going is not an option. MIL kowtows to the current "matriarch" of the family and is priming herself to take that position over once the current one is out of the picture. She wants me to kowtow to her and I absolutely REFUSE to perpetuate this manipulation for another generation. If I don't stand up to her now, she will expect me to do whatever she says for good and I'm not like that. Josh and I are our own family, we are adults, and we do not need to be treated like we are children. I've given in enough to her in the past - if I keep it up, she'll expect it even more... and it just ain't happenin'.

[kimboe]

YEP, You should Stand for yourself. All the Power to You!

[caseysmom]

If money is tight maybe you should grin and bear it for the gifts... If it gets overwhelming act like your going to puke and go lay down

[Kfamr]

That's horrible, Jaime! What an evil lady.

Do you think you could call up the highschool friends that you WANT to attend and explain the situation, and invite them to come along?

{{HUGS}}

[dukedogsmom]

I agree with Buckner. Have the party you want to have. It's your special time and no one else's. There's no reason you can't have some happy memories. Your MIL may think she was giving you something special but it sure sounds like she was going a weird way about it. And, some people just like a lot of attention. I have no idea which one it was but I say you should have a day that you would prefer.

[jackie]

I am glad to hear you put your foot down!

[catnapper]

What you have here is a generation clash. MIL is from the old generation where they ONLY had parties like that.... women ooohing and ahhing over bootsies and blankets while noshing on elegant finger foods. The concept of a beer and pizza party with MEN is as foreign to her, as her idea of a great party is uncomfortable to you. Remember, this is HER grandbaby too, and SHE'S excited about his coming and wants to celebrate it in the only way SHE feels is proper. Not that its right, but thats what she sees.

[lizbud]

What you have here is a generation clash. MIL is from the old generation where they ONLY had parties like that.... women ooohing and ahhing over bootsies and blankets while noshing on elegant finger foods. The concept of a beer and pizza party with MEN is as foreign to her, as her idea of a great party is uncomfortable to you. Remember, this is HER grandbaby too, and SHE'S excited about his coming and wants to celebrate it in the only way SHE feels is proper. Not that its right, but thats what she sees.

Sharp observation. Sounds that way to me too. Two totally different
schools of thought.

[Twisterdog]

MIL's are rarely fun. I HATED my ex's mom with a passion, and I'm quite sure she felt the same about me. She did a lot of mean, petty things to me, and I'm sure I responded in kind. At the time it seemed like a HUGE deal.

But now, frankly, with my son in high school and having known and dealt with this woman for 23 years ... I can look back and see that we were BOTH petty and small sometimes. And for what? I can't even remember the issues now at all.

We have called a truce over the past few years. We should have done it long ago. Because, the fact of the matter is, you have to deal with this woman the rest of your life. Literally. She is your child's grandparent, and she will ALWAYS be your child's grandparent. You will deal with her at every Christmas, every birthday, every holiday, illness and occasion for the rest of her life.

I honestly don't expect you to see this point of view. I CERTAINLY would not have seen it when I was your age. No way. But, I felt I had to voice it anyway. Sometimes time is a great mellowing agent.

Frankly, though, THIS is what concerns me more than troubles with your MIL:

Josh refuses to get in the middle of it. When I told him how I felt, he said "Whatever" and that was that. I can understand that he doesn't want to get involved, so all I ask is that if/when his mother complains to him he back ME up whether or not he agrees with my views.

IMHO, your husband OUGHT to stand up for YOU, his pregnant wife. He is now, first and foremost, YOUR husband and the father of YOUR and HIS child. He is no longer firstly his mother's son. I am certainly not advocating his causing trouble between his mother and himself, but he needs to make it clear to her where he stands. I think he needs to say something like, "Mom, I appreciate all your effort and understand that you want to help. However, Jaime doesn't feel comfortable with a party like this, and I'm sure you agree that no one needs to be making things more stressful on her at this time. Maybe later after the baby is born and things settle down, you and she could plan something TOGETHER that is acceptable to you both. But for now, let's just let this idea go, ok?" You and your husband must form a partnership above and beyond all other ties.

[PJ's Mom]

IMHO, your husband OUGHT to stand up for YOU, his pregnant wife.

Absolutely!

My ex never stood up for me either but luckily we're divorced, he's a deadbeat dad and I haven't had to look at the witch for the last 8 years or so.

Good luck. It sounds like you've got way too much crap to be dealing with right now.

[CathyBogart]

Good for you for getting the situation fixed...it sounds like what you did is the best that you could given all of the options. Best of luck... *Hands you an umbrella for when the fireworks start)

[Oggyflute]

For what it's worth Jamie, you should do what you want to do. It's your life mate, the quicker your MIL realises this, the better for all concerned.

[orangemm]

Why couldn't you and your hubby (or your mom) plan an informal party where the guests bring a dish or pizza or whatever they want to bring. Cost wouldn't be an issue AND you'd get to gather with the people who make YOU feel comfortable and secure I'm sure the people and family who know you well already know that you don't want a formal, structured 'event', and they would be more than happy to go with the flow to do what would be in your best interests. Most modern 'showers' include the father-to-be anyway, so why not invite the guys, too? If there are more than 2 or 3, they wouldn't feel out of place.

I know if -I- were your friend, I would want what YOU wanted and wouldn't deliberately do the opposite of what you preferred.

You could even invite the dreaded MIL; even if she didn't show up, YOU would have made the gesture of friendship and family peace.

Just a thought.

[Ally Cat's Mommy]

Jaime, I havent got any advice for you - just wanted to send you a big (((HUG))) - this pregnancy is YOU and hubby's special time, and it's not fair that it is being messed up by other people.

Stay strong and stand up to the MIL!