Part 3

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes
to sleep once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain
in its bowl.
I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay
there until I get hungry.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up)
off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they
adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing
things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty"
instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and
"GET HELP!!!!!"
I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom I will
not bat at my male human's family jewels while he is
engaged in the act of mating with my female human, no matter how
tempting the danglies are. My humans get mad and I might get free
flying lessons.
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the
nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet
me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they
chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that
the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy
mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach,
even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I
will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the
floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and
make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make
tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans
take the catnip toy away from me.
After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but
equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell
where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his
traces.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.