My heart breaks for you because I've been through the same thing. I'm sure Smudgie forgives you. You loved him enough to not let him suffer anymore. He's now at peace at the Rainbow Bridge and is well and free from pain. I think when they get there, they also are given the wisdom to understand the love and tears it takes for their humans to let them go there. I think it makes them love us more because they know we did all we could for them and in spite of our grief, did what was best for them. You are in my prayers.