The old boat

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old
dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One
day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters
who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to
salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken
vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of
the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brothers wife
had died suddenly.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick
up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman theremistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your
oss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell
no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a
rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all
shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was
always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back
and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her,
her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her
to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them
that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But
they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her
all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

Saying the right thing

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,
"Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!

Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"



Self-induced hangover - $100.00

Broken furniture - $200.00

Breakfast - $10.00

Saying the right thing - PRICELESS