LOL - well Big Charles, I must say -- what a great story!
Actually I do give my cat bathes, although not often. (maybe 1 or 2x a year) I've tried several techniques, but the easiest thing is to go into the tub enclosure with him and put several inches of water in the tub, get him wet, lather him up, douse him with the bath water, and run clean water to do a final rinse. I pour water on with a container, but I can manuver most of his body under the running water - he yowls alot, but he knows there's no escape...... I've never been bitten or scratched. (such a good kitty!) I towel dry, then use a hair-dryer, then let him sit in a summy window and steam dry.