Well, I'm about to add my two cents here. I am a believer in using crates for several types of discipline and when you just cannot trust the dog. Think of it as the dog's "room". Just as you would give a child his/her own room, the crate functions like that for the dog. I did not see what type of crate you are using and that could be a factor in what is happening. I seldom use the wire type of crates as they do not give the dog the "den" security that airline types do. The crate must be properly "fitted" to the dog as well. It should be long enough for the dog to lie down in with little extra room for "accidents"; one and a half times the adult body length is the standard we used at PetsMart.

I have a Jack Russell Terrier that goes into her crate during the day when I go to work and at night when I go to bed. Why? I don't trust her to not eat things or behave. She is fairly well adjusted otherwise. My JR mix almost never goes into a crate as she can be trusted to stay out of the trash, not potty on the floor, etc. She's also 12 years old! I have crated almost all my dogs as above until the age of about 1 year at which time they are usually more reliable, but have had a couple that could not be trusted not to get into the trash. We rarely had any problems about them going into their crates.

Obedience training will help establish you as the leader of the pack as she will learn to do as you say. That is part of what being the alpha is about. I am an advocate of postive reinforcement using treats to begin and working away from them. Also, one of the best things I got from Barbara Woodhouse's "No Bad Dogs" is the word "What". Use "What a good dog" or something similar when you praise her. Additionally, working on "tricks" adds to the image that the dog "has to do what you say". I had a dog that I taught several tricks to and then we ended up selling him to a show home, but everytime I say him, he would do all his tricks everytime I asked him. No treats, either! The trick to obedience work is using your "karate" voice. It must come from the diaphragm like a karate yell, but not as loud. Whenever you give her a command, feel it coming from the diaphragm and you will find that she will listen better. Yes, men have deeper voices and frequently will get a dog to obey better/faster. I saw that with several of my students. Firm up your voice and be CONSISTENT about commands. You and your hubby must use the same commands to mean the same thing all the time. Never put a question tone on the command, either. "Will you sit?" is less effective than "Sit!". Also, the more you can use one word commands, the quicker she will learn them.

Cleaning up after her, yes, use something like Simple Solution or Nature's Miracle and do not use a carpet cleaner that has ammonia in it. Guess what that smells like!

Bed - well, almost all mine have been allowed to sleep with me and we did not have "dominance" problems (and DO not have problems). Just now, the pup sleeps in her crate and the older dog sleeps wherever she likes. It's usually the cats that sleep with me (and one likes to sleep on top of me).

What it all boils down to is: consistent scheduling and commands and using the crate on an "as needed" basis. I have even crate trained my cats for purposes of transportation and when company comes that I prefer the cats not to get onto. Another note, whoever takes the dog to obedience class will become the "dominant" being in the dog's life. Be sure that you and your hubby both work with her on the obedience work and make sure you are working with her at least 15 minutes per day on the obedience. I read a book about obedience training that freaked me out. Can't recall the author, but she used to put her dogs on "long" downs for purposes of training. When I say "long" downs, I mean she advocated anywhere from one to three hours or more. That is not right from anyone's standpoint.

One last thing, I believe in the "stare-down". If your dog ever sits and stares at you, stare her down. In the wild, eye contact is a challenge and the one who looks away first is "submitting" to the "dominance" of the other. Oh, yeah, try to use a growly voice when "correcting" the dog. I use "no" on a long, drawn out, growly tone when I see the dog about to do something I won't approve of. I also use "Aaat" for some of the same reasons. All my dogs have learned what both terms mean and are really good at changing their minds when I use them. Well, my two cents turned into a dollar, but I hope some of this is helpful and hope no one of the other answerers is offended.