Comedian Steven Wright has a whole whack of sayings:

"Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?"

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory - but you couldn't park anywhere near the place."

PM me if you want a whole list....sorry I have no creative ones myself.

OH - was doing a transcription my boss left on a tape - he was in a hurry, and out came this gem: "I hope you understand that my professional reputation and my heart are in this thing with both feet."

I didn't edit it - I printed it out and HIGHLIGHTED it!