To make matters worse, she has changed her checks, and has not renewed her lease. (It was up in April.) This pretty much tells us that she won't be coming home. She even changed her name on her checks to Ms. Judy ****. (Last name. ) But I don't really know how to feel. We argue CONSTANTLY... so it's not like I want her home that much, but I hate being *here*... I want us to all be in one house just so my dad doesn't have to go through us leaving all the time, etc. I just wish my family was normal again because when I was little and my friends parents got divorced, I asked my parents if they would ever get divorced. They laughed and told me they would never get divorced... five years later, look. I just hate the fact that they do seem divorced. They never say I love you, never buy each other gifts (although my dad would splurge on my mom and buy her flowers and stuff, she never bought anything for him. EVER.) I hate explaining to people my situation... I hate how my mom always seems like a bad person and I am so envious of everyone elses parents, because they are normal families to some extent. I know there are people out there who have it worse than I do, but I'm not trying to sound like a whiney baby. I'm just feeling so lost and confused right now. My grades are starting to slip, I feel really stressed all the time, I cry up to 4 times a week... things just never seem to get any easier.

My dad keeps encouraging me to talk to her about how I feel. I have recently told him that I am beginning to feel like the evil stepchild when I am with her, because we never get along. My brother is only 10 and doesn't realize how cruely things are going now, and is attached to her at the hip. She just always seems to hate me and I don't understand why.

It's times like these when I just come on Pet Talk and sometimes I just cry, non-stop, and look at the posts that people post... about how happy some of you moms are of your kids accomplishments, and you post it on Pet Talk... and all the other moms are happy for you too... just the love you have for your kids and how involved you are in their lives. It makes me wish I have you all as my mothers, and somedays I feel like you are, if I have a particularly good day and share stuff on PT and people respond nicely. Other days all I can do is cry and hope things get better. There's not much we can do anymore to get my mom back.

I didn't mean to make this entry so long and boring. Sometimes it takes a lot to get my feelings out.. but bear with me.

After bawling through that entire message, I hope it makes sense... lol