Substituting for a Child?

**Sevens** · 11-06-2003, 08:22 AM

Ok, I'm sure that this has probably come up before, but....has anybody every accused you of using a dog as a substitute for a child?

I was talking to my best friend last night, telling her some dog park antics from the night before. All of a sudden, I said, "Yeah, I guess you are probably sick of hearing me talk about them so much." She said "No, I just think you are substituting having the dogs for having a child." I was pretty surprised and I told her "Hey, I am happy with my dogs. I don't wanna have kids for another couple of years until Brian and I are settled in a house and have had a few more years to ourselves (I'm only 26 after all)."

She said "Well, for the way you treat them and the way you talk about them, it's clear you want to have a baby." And I was like "Well, no, I am enjoying the love and attention I give them and they give me, but I know they are dogs." And then she starts rattling on about how much I spend on them, etc., etc.

I just get so sick of people saying this. So what if I want to have dogs? Why does everybody feel the need to psycho-analyze my wanting to have dogs? They can't just believe what I really want is a dog, not a kid? And then if I say that I would like a third a few years down the line, probably another pit mix puppy, they are all like, "OH Yeah, your biological clock is SOOOO going off. You just need to have a baby."

**anna_66** · 11-06-2003, 08:31 AM

Well, I for one have to say that I do substitute my dogs for children. I'm not able to have children & would love nothing more than to have one. But, since that's not possible....the 3 furkids I have now will get all the love & attention I would give a baby

I don't think they mind

**micki76** · 11-06-2003, 08:40 AM

I used to get this too. It used to just tick me off. My clock wasn’t ticking. In fact I don’t even like children, nor have I ever had any desire to have any. (People who have/like/want children - please do not be offended, it’s my choice to like them or not.)

Now that I’ve had a hysterectomy and “can’t have children”, people don’t say things like that anymore.

Of course, now I get the looks of pity.

**Pam** · 11-06-2003, 08:44 AM

When I first got married we were not immediately financially ready for children. We bought our first house 4 years after we were married and within a month of being homeowners we were poodle parents. A year after that we got our second poodle. I am sure they were a substitute in a way for children because I was able to lavish 100% of my love and time on them. However, that said, I did have children of my own a couple of years later, but I still treat my dogs like children because in a way they are like them. They are totally dependent on us, just like kids. I think your friend probably should have kept her thoughts to herself though. People often open their mouths without thinking.

**Dawn** · 11-06-2003, 08:47 AM

Yes-I hear similar remarks, but my dogs are my kids-basically. I am 35 and am single (by choice) I have been married - but I am not able to have children, at least not naturally, and so I see it as there being a reason for that. I think I was not meant to have children, that I was meant to make a difference with animals instead-and so that's what I do.
I prefer dogs to children and even people for that matter. Let's face it, when I come home from a rough day-they greet me and are always happy to see me. They never cheat or lie, and as long as I love them-they will love me and never turn on me. And when they grow up-they won't leave home. They are never ashamed of me or embarassed to be seen with me, and when I'm upset or down-they are always there to chear me up!
They don't steal from me, and I have never come home to find Tyr in my bed with another woman! (ha-ha)
So when people judge me for preferring my dogs to having kids or to an intimate relationship - I laugh and tell them - they should try it-they might be a happier person.

**Smilla** · 11-06-2003, 08:49 AM

I haven't heard anything like that--yet--though I imagine I might at some point, especially now that I'm in my 30s. Like Micki, my clock just isn't ticking either. My husband and I have listened really hard, but we just don't hear parenthood calling out to us.

You want to hear something really ignorant and offensive? A journalist named Caroline Knapp wrote a wonderful book called "Drinking, A Love Story," about her addiction to alcohol and her accomplishment of obtaining sobriety. A few years later, she wrote a book called "Pack of Two: The Intricate Bond Between People and Dogs" which was about her relationship with her dog Lucille. It was supposed to be very good (I haven't read it), but some people actually accused her of being "addicted" to her dog, and of somehow substituting that relationship for the one she lost with alcohol. Unbelievable!

**Logan** · 11-06-2003, 08:56 AM

Smilla, Pack of Two is a beautiful book. Any of you should definitely read it if you haven't.

I totally associated with her relationship with Lucille. I was single for ten years, with one child of my own, and lots of pets! My mother always loved to joke (and she really was joking) that every time I took in another one that it was my next "baby" or "husband". She knew that I had always wanted to have more children, and of course, she wanted more grandchildren!

More babies weren't in the cards for me, and by the time I met Scott, I was approaching 40, and we agreed that we really didn't want to add to our huge family of skin, fur and feathered kids.

It's a personal decision, and I can completely understand the frustration of hearing all the "advice" and commentary from people who truly don't understand. I think there are a lot worse ways we could all spend our time than loving on our pets!!!! I get as much joy out of ours as I do anything in life!

Logan

**lovemyshiba** · 11-06-2003, 09:42 AM

I know how you feel, but it's my grandmother who won't let up on us.
In August, I was home for my cousin's bridal shower. My other cousin, her sister, had just had a baby. When I finally got a chance to hold him, my grandmother looked at me and said "that looks natural." I found mommy, gave the baby back, and picked up my cousin's puppy--THAT was natural!!!!

My husband and I aren't ready yet. We've discussed it, and we don't want children right now. End of story. I wish people could understand that.

Right now my dogs are all we need, and we're content with that.

**Kfamr** · 11-06-2003, 10:19 AM

When I get older and the time comes -- I'd really love too have a child.

But really, A dog is like a child. You have to feed it, bathe it, play with it, take it to the doctor, socialize it, teach it, potty train it -- and so on!

Dogs are so much like children, some people don't even realize.

IMO -- They are much Cuter!

Some people say I'm *sssoooo* obsessed with my dogs that I should marry them.

**GoldenRetrLuver** · 11-06-2003, 11:40 AM

I'm not going to have children when I'm older...I already know for sure. I'll stick with dogs.

**Smilla** · 11-06-2003, 11:42 AM

Logan, I just requested "Pack of Two" via interlibrary loan. I love working in a library!

**Smilla** · 11-06-2003, 11:48 AM

I'd never say "never," but interestingly, I never felt that "pang" of desire when I'd see a mother with her child--however, I would occasionally get it when I'd see someone with their dog. I mean, geez, I hung out on Pet Talk when I didn't even own a dog; what does that say about me?

The decision whether to have a child is so personal, and so impactive, that I'm always surprised that people feel so free to hand out advice, etc. on the topic of whether to have one or not.

**mugsy** · 11-06-2003, 11:51 AM

No one has ever said that to me because I always say, "Yes" when asked if I have kids and I quickly follow with, "the 4 legged kind" and that pretty much shuts them up. I have enough kids at school everyday. I do NOT want any 2 leggers, never have and never will. My mom thinks I weird and always tells me not to say what I say because people will think I'm nuts, but, guess what...DON'T CARE! lol

**Kater** · 11-06-2003, 12:11 PM

Originally posted by Smilla
You want to hear something really ignorant and offensive? A journalist named Caroline Knapp wrote a wonderful book called "Drinking, A Love Story," about her addiction to alcohol and her accomplishment of obtaining sobriety. A few years later, she wrote a book called "Pack of Two: The Intricate Bond Between People and Dogs" which was about her relationship with her dog Lucille. It was supposed to be very good (I haven't read it), but some people actually accused her of being "addicted" to her dog, and of somehow substituting that relationship for the one she lost with alcohol. Unbelievable!

I've read Pack of Two. It is beautifully written and very touching. I guess there were times in the story where I worried about her social skills but to claim that she was addicted to her dog (or that being addicted to her dog is a bad thing

) strikes me as way off mark.
I would recommend this book to PTers! It's really moving!

**Corinna** · 11-06-2003, 12:30 PM

I too have read a pack of two. It is very good . Also very enlightening, I learned a lot about myself and my family. I readily admit merlin was gotten to help my hubby deal with getting back in the world after surgery and me to deal with empty nest which is soon to be totally. Not just ny daughter but son soon.