kitchen disasters

[boscibo]

Mine involves a turkey on the grill for a family holiday dinner. we had done a test drive a few weeks beforeand the turkey had come out perfect. Well, it was colder by Christmas, so the coals went out before the turkey was done. So we added more charcoal, and re-lit the turkey...and stupidly had used charcoal lighting fluid. The turkey got done, but the whole thing tasted like charcoal lighting fluid. People were being polite and trying to eat it, but it really was not edible.

[RICHARD]

the thread is 'kitchen disasters' not 'poison your loved ones'

[boscibo]

Well, nobody died. They just went hungry.

[RICHARD]

Originally posted by boscibo
Well, nobody died. They just went hungry.

(didn't want to admit i have done the same thing myself....)

[catland]

I did once manage to fall asleep on the couch while I had a batch of chocolate chip cookies in the oven. They don't look too appetizing when they've spent two hours baking.

I've also discovered that bread-machine bread isn't has a funny texture when you've read the wrong figure for amount of yeast.

[zippy-kat]

(I should mention, I'm thinking of having my own cook-book ... all recipes will have the same instructions: remove from freezer, unwrap, nuke.)

The Pectin Experience

With boredom lingering heavily in my apartment, I aimlessly surfed the web this afternoon. Looking into my "Favorites" file, I spied a recipe site I hadn't visited in quite sometime. Now first you must realize that for me to have a recipe site bookmarked is an oxymoron--kinda like "jumbo shrimp." I've never liked cooking/baking/etc, matter of fact, if it involves me walking into the kitchen--I don't like it. For years now, the most complex food stuff Mom's had me make is ice tea and if she's feeling REALLY daring--and we're talking LIVING ON THE EDGE-- she'll ask me to grate cheese.
You have to give her credit--she tried early on to "convect" the "ovenly duties" into my less than lean bod. She tried with gusto to turn me into a regular lil' chef. But after a near grease fire, my substitution of 2 cups for two tablespoons mustard, and the loss of an entire box of pizza dough (kneading sounded easy enough--so how come I ended up looking like a horse in DESPERATE need of a ferrier?), she decided to call it quits. It's just plain and simple. I'm microwave compatible.
And I suppose those previous incidents should have served as proper warning for tonight's incident. Hindsight is always 20/20. I was nosing around the recipe site and found a recipe for Starbuck's Frappucino--YUMMY!! Read the ingredients list....milk, sugar, expresso, cocoa powder, and pectin. Easy enough. (Nevermind the fact that I'm allergic to milk.) Now, what the heck is pectin?
Lovely thing about the web--you can search (and find answers for) almost anything. Quick search revealed it's a natural thickener used in canning. Okie doke. I sign off the web, spend two hours getting ready to go to a place that I'll be in for 20-30min (females are such funny creature, eh?), spend another 30 minutes chasing & caging a mad bunnie, another 10 minutes finding the car keys, and finally I'm out the door.

No sweat.

(cont'd)

[zippy-kat]

It took 40min. to find Pectin at the grocery store; the cute store guy didn't even know where they kept it (see? it's a good thing I spent so much time primping). It's appearance was only made known by accident--I had given up and was finishing up my other shopping. Strolling from the popsicle aisle to the wine aisle (such is the diet of the college student), I spied the canning supplies and bingo! There's the pectin!! And just an FYI, I don't binge drink like many of my peers--rather, I like to think of myself as a self-proclaimed wine connoisseur. (I earned this title by taking a sip and (usually) promptly spitting it back out--but hey, if at first you don't succeed--try, try again? Hey, gimme a break--I didn't like coffee at first either! lol) Anyways, a glass a wk is suppose to be good for your heart--but unfortunately, I don't think Boones Farm qualifies as "real" wine and my grocery budget doesn't actually allow for a $20.00 bottle of stuff I won't drink.
I digress...
As I dined on my tantalizing red meat (a ham/cheese hot pocket) and a glass of coke (thought it was gonna be the wine, huh?) my thoughts turned to the yummy dessert awaiting my eager digestive track. Finishing the last crumb that clung mercifully to the saucer, I sauntered to the kitchen.

The instructions called for 1/2 c of expresso--welll...the grocery store was out of expresso and rather than 'faking' it (running it thru the pot twice), I decided just to turn the knob to "strong" and improvise. I actually followed the directions (a miracle in itself) and when I took a sip, it was pretty yummy--not just pretty yummy--REALLY yummy! Tasted just like the real stuff!! But then I got the bright idea to add the rest of the pot of coffee and eyeball the measurements.
***I'll pause here to foreshadow my second mistake. I have a problem with judging measurements whether it be distance or time. Unfortunately, this became a henderance to my 3d archery hobby. If somone can TELL me the distance, I'm a dead shot. If you can't tell me, well...I'll give you a head start in the opposite direction because my inches sometimes resemble feet, my feet inches. 15 minutes can equal an hr, and...you get the picture.***
So with the pot of coffee gone, I added 3 tablespoons of pectin (the original called for 1tblsp). I added some, I don't know how much, cocoa powder--the original called for 1/16 tblsp. Now...just through in some sugar, pour in some milk, and then stir!

(cont'd)

[zippy-kat]

And stir....and stir...and stir...and stir?

Hey what are those floaty pieces? The cocoa must not be completely dissovled--stir some more. And more...and more...and more....

By this time, I'm wondering if the coating has come off my plastic spoon. Not possible. The spoon is black and the floaty pieces brown. Ok...? Did some kinda critter get into the bag and then into the concoction when I wasn't looking? Nope, no critter. Did a paper towel dissentegrate? Nope, no paper towel. Hmmm...let's take a piece out for inspection. Ewwww..it's mushy, stringy, and tough--and looks like......upchucked roast beef!! I tried straining the darn stuff but that didn't work--it was INCREDIBLY thick so much so, that it soon clogged my strainer and seemed to multiplying with every passing second! So I did what had to be done. I dumped it down the kitchen sink. It's prolly down there right now plotting to take over me, my apartment, the town, and eventually the world. (I can see the headlines now: "College Student who Made Drink that Resembled Reguritated Roast Beef, Dies"--she ran but the vehement blob caught up with her-- according to witnesses, the cocoa powder slowed her down but the petcin killed her.)

Ok, maybe not.
But it's at least contemplating ways to make me pour drano down the sink. And thus, the moral of the story:

Pectin + Cocoa Powder + Coffee + Milk + Sugar + Zippykat = a dead ringer for Reguritated Roast Beef

[catland]

Too funny! your catch-phrase of "needs supervision" makes much more sense now. I always thought you were refering to your pets

[wolflady]

Originally posted by zippy-kat
...--but unfortunately, I don't think Boones Farm qualifies as "real" wine and my grocery budget doesn't actually allow for a $20.00 bottle of stuff I won't drink.
I digress...

LOL LOL ROTFL
It's been so long since I've had Boones Farm!! They go down so easly, huh? I could pound down a bottle in one sitting

Pectin + Cocoa Powder + Coffee + Milk + Sugar + Zippykat = a dead ringer for Reguritated Roast Beef

OMG, Zippy, you're a riot! This story had me rollin'!

[mugsy]

The saga of the WAY too salty Deviled Eggs

We always have a carry in right before Christmas Break at school. One year I decided to make deviled eggs....first mistake... So, I proceeded to boil the eggs, peel them, cut them open, and dish out the yolk. Then I salted them, added dry mustard, soy sauce (I wanted to try something different), mayo, and then, again to try something different, garlic salt. Needless to say eating one of those eggs caused arteries to start to harden immediately and had the unlucky souls who ate them to run hastily to the water and drink a few gallons to rehydrate themselves.

[kohala]

Maybe someone from or near Virginia can tell me what went wrong? Four years ago I had to travel to Virginia for a class, and while there I decided to get a "real" ham. I called a friend and asked if he wanted me to pick him up one, which he did. So I packed two huge Smithfield hams into my suitcase and brought them back.
We both decided we were going to be soooooo cool at Christmas with our delightful hams, and from what Vinnie tells me, he started soaking his (in the bathtub, too!) about the same time I started soaking mine. I scrubbed it, I soaked it, I scrubbed it some more, I soaked it some more - probably at least three days. I finally decided it was just supposed to smell that way (can't describe it other than chitlin's fresh out of the pig - you get the idea?) so I set it up to bake.
Half way through baking it (this is Christmas Eve, mind you) it stunk up the whole apartment so bad we had to leave, and even Grasshopper hid under the bed. I figured I was just being a weenie and it would probably be great, after all, they eat 'em in Virginia, don't they? Well, needless to say, it was the moldiest, saltiest, piggiest, stinkiest thing I ever tasted. Dadcat refused to even taste it and my friend called to ask what the hell did I bring him? Let's just say I cut it up and used a little of it for seasoning beans, the rest went in the trash. A well wasted $30.00. Not to mention going out for dinner Christmas, since we didn't have anything we could eat!
So, my question is either did I get a bad ham? or how are you supposed to cook 'em? Are they really supposed to stink like pig guts?

[micki76]

My husband discovered the hard way that to *fry* (yuck) pork chops, one must have oil in the pan. The apartment was FILLED with smoke!!

He also learned that you don't butter bread BEFORE you put it in the toaster.

[COCatMama]

I'm real glad I'm a vegetarian

Originally posted by kohala
Maybe someone from or near Virginia can tell me what went wrong? Four years ago I had to travel to Virginia for a class, and while there I decided to get a "real" ham. I called a friend and asked if he wanted me to pick him up one, which he did. So I packed two huge Smithfield hams into my suitcase and brought them back.
We both decided we were going to be soooooo cool at Christmas with our delightful hams, and from what Vinnie tells me, he started soaking his (in the bathtub, too!) about the same time I started soaking mine. I scrubbed it, I soaked it, I scrubbed it some more, I soaked it some more - probably at least three days. I finally decided it was just supposed to smell that way (can't describe it other than chitlin's fresh out of the pig - you get the idea?) so I set it up to bake.
Half way through baking it (this is Christmas Eve, mind you) it stunk up the whole apartment so bad we had to leave, and even Grasshopper hid under the bed. I figured I was just being a weenie and it would probably be great, after all, they eat 'em in Virginia, don't they? Well, needless to say, it was the moldiest, saltiest, piggiest, stinkiest thing I ever tasted. Dadcat refused to even taste it and my friend called to ask what the hell did I bring him? Let's just say I cut it up and used a little of it for seasoning beans, the rest went in the trash. A well wasted $30.00. Not to mention going out for dinner Christmas, since we didn't have anything we could eat!
So, my question is either did I get a bad ham? or how are you supposed to cook 'em? Are they really supposed to stink like pig guts?

[Cincy'sMom]

These stories are great!!!