joke thread

[Former User]

An old lady called up the police department and got a policeman sent to her address. She told him, "Officer, there's a man exposing himself in the building next to mine!"
The concerned officer said, "Where is he, lady?"
"Right over there! He's still shamelessly baring himself!"
The officer couldn't tell where she was pointing. "I'm sorry, but I still can't see a naked man over there."

The old lady pulled him over to her window. "Oh, you have to look through this telescope."

[Former User]

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church. After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided to take off all their clothes and paint naked. An hour later, someone knocked on the door of the church.
"Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them. They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting. They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.

"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

[lovemymaltese]

lol I love it, the first garde proverbs thing was hilarious.

[ellensy]

LOL Niina (did I spelled ur name ryt?). too funny!!! im laughing my head off right at the computer!

[lovemymaltese]

Aspire To Greatness

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to
become a "great" writer...

When asked to define "great", he said, "I want to write stuff that
the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in
pain, desperation, and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

[lovemymaltese]

A Beautiful Wife

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests
in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside. His eyes
fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to 'beautiful'?" I asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

[lovemymaltese]

Three Wishes

After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant
them!"

Her mom first asked for world peace.

Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled.

Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children.

Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.

The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."

The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll
need more power for this!" she exclaimed.

[Tanya&Fritz]

See attached.

[Former User]

Originally posted by ellensy
LOL Niina (did I spelled ur name ryt?). too funny!!! im laughing my head off right at the computer!

Yes, you spelled my name right and I'm glad you liked the jokes

[lovemymaltese]

that was a cute cartoon, thanks for sharing!

[lovemymaltese]

thought this cartoon was funny, check it out.

[krazyaboutkatz]

[anna_66]

A farmer was sitting at the table while his wife was
preparing dinner. His wife dropped a spoon and bent
over to pick it up. As she bent over the farmer said,
"Honey, your butt is as big as a combine."

The wife picks up the spoon and continues cooking
with no comment to her husband. As she put the dinner
on the table she dropped the pepper shaker on the floor.
While she was bent over picking it up the farmer said,
"Honey I take that back. Your butt is as big as two
combines!"

The wife picks up the pepper, sets it on the table and
begins eating with any comment to her husband. Later
on that night after the couple had gone to bed the farmer
started feeling a little frisky. As he cuddled up to his
wife he noticed that there was no response on her end.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder and asked her what
was wrong.

She replied, "Do you really think that I am going to
fire up $300,000 dollars worth of machinery for one
LITTLE corn cob???

[Former User]

A person who speaks three languages is called "tri-lingual," and a person who speaks two languages is called "bi-lingual," but what do you call a person who only speaks one language?

American!

[ellensy]

LOL