Would this upset you?

[sparks19]

Good post Blue Frog. I am like that too. I don't remember dates very well. It took me almost the entire first year of our marriage to remember the date LOL. Then once I figured it out it was easy LOL. My birthday is June 22nd, my Anniversary is August 22nd, my nieces birthday is September 22nd, my dad's birthday is November 22nd. As for the rest. I haven't a clue. I can't remember things like that very easily LOL. My husband and I always make it a point to mention that our birthdays are approaching LOL because we are both VERY forgetful haha

[Cataholic]

Sooo... I guess to sum it up, a birthday, anniverary, or any other special holiday that generally warrants a gift shouldn't be the -only- indicator of a person's feelings for you ... at least in my opinion

Exactly. It shouldn't be the only indicator. And, when all else is going right, it prolly isn't the only indicator.

I am single. By choice. And, I think I know why. I just see alot of 'settling for' type attitudes here. I am not into excusing other's behaviors, when I don't excuse my own. I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

[caseysmom]

To each their own, we all have different priorities. Some choose love and compromise, some choose alone and my way....to each their own.

[Lady's Human]

For a short answer?

Jen and I are both too set in our ways to change. Our relationship has nothing to do with "settling" for something, more like we appreciate each other as we are too much to worry about the small crap.

Jen has forgotten my birthday, I've forgotten hers, neither of us really give a damn.

[K9soul]

I didn't "settle for" anything. I accepted the differences in him from myself. I didn't WANT my birthday to be like mowing the yard or cleaning the house. I wouldn't have enjoyed that at all. And if I forgot things he was just as accepting. In fact the vast majority of the time when I was cooking or cleaning he'd run up and either ask to help, insist on taking over, or tell me I didn't need to do all of that.

I was no perfect wife just as he wasn't a perfect husband. I made mistakes, he made mistakes, we both forgave easily and moved on. Even though it is over, I will always treasure the special relationship we had in the years we were together, and I am personally very glad that I never got caught up in being angry and resentful because he forgot to get me a card on my birthday, or was a day late in getting me a gift. I'm sorry but to me those ARE small things in the big scheme and not how I judge whether my mate is a good one (I am not saying that Lobodeb is). There are probably other issues and I can't judge or form an opinion on those things, only what was written about here.

[sparks19]

Exactly. It shouldn't be the only indicator. And, when all else is going right, it prolly isn't the only indicator.

I am single. By choice. And, I think I know why. I just see alot of 'settling for' type attitudes here. I am not into excusing other's behaviors, when I don't excuse my own. I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

it goes over fine. He doesn't expect me to remind him to do things. I am forgetful just as he is. If I forget and he happens to remember... GREAT. If he forgets and I remember... GREAT> If we both forget.... Oh Well. there will be other days. My husband never expects me to cook, clean, any of that stuff. I do it becuase I have the time. When I start working we will both be cleaning and cooking supper together. Of course we love cooking together. he sets his own alarm and is responsable for getting himself out of bed and off to work, and he has never had a problem yet. He ALWAYS does the laundry because he knows I hate doing the laundry. if the laundry isn't done on a certain day or certain time oh well, if I wanted it done a certain way I would do it myself. We don't EXPECT anything from each other except for unconditional love, respect, and honesty. Everything else doesn't matter.

We don't get angry at each other over such trivial things. it's all about personal responsibility. if he wanted something remembered he would ask me to remember (no big deal if I don't) AND we would write it everywhere and hope we don't forget. If he wants to get up at a certain time for work he sets his alarm clock. If I want something specific I ask for it, I don't expect him to know. and we ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS say Please and Thank you to each other. even for trivial things like getting me a pop when he is in the kitchen. I always ask if he would mind getting me a pop please, he says sure thing and I say thank you. I finish making the sandwiches while he is doing laundry he always says thank you. Don't take your partner for granted, if you MUST argue then argue about things that are really important (if there is such a thing). We never fight, it's just not worth it. it is not worth it to waste a day being angry at him (or vice versa) because he didn't put the groceries away or because I didnt clean the kitchen.

If being with someone who loves me and respects me is settling then so be it. I have been in crappy relationship after crappy relationship. My husband is one of the greatest men I have ever known. If not getting material things means I am settling then so be it. Getting a car for your birthday doesnt' show how much he loves you... it just shows that your love can be bought.

[RICHARD]

My mom and dad were married for 53 years.

I don't think I ever heard about their anniversary or birthday plans.

While anniversaries and B-days are indeed special days, I think that they were more involved in the loving, happy marriage and raising 6 kids.

--------------------------------


Don't let one day ruin 364 other days.

Take a second and think about how many people out there will spend an anniversary alone.

This doesn't excuse your hubby's 'inattentiveness".....there are some people who just don't respond well to calendars....

[Vela]

Great posts K9Soul, Sparks, and Richard. I couldn't agree more. VERY well said. People aren't perfect and it we nitpick the little stuff to death, then we lose sight of the important things. It's just not THAT big of a deal and he DID get flowers and DID get a card ON the day of your birthday. The first year we were married my husband forgot my birthday. It's on Christmas and he just forgot. Well here we are 17 years later. That nitpicky little crap will destroy a marriage if that's all that seems to matter. Worry about the big things. The rest of it IS trivial. Is it worth having angry hard feelings over a birhtday present, to hold onto that and have it cause marital problems over THAT??? Real love is not about whether or not someone gets you the right present on the right day. We don't do valentines, saying Happy Birthday is enough for us, it's the things you do for each other every day that matter. If there is a problem there, then that needs to be addressed on its own, not the issue of presents. People put waaay too much stock in that kind of thing nowdays. I bet people who lost spouses this year would be thrilled just to have a hug or an I love you from the person they lost. Try looking at the positives, not the negatives, there are always negatives in life. It's not settling for less, it's realizing people aren't perfect and we ALL have faults, some of us just learn how to deal with other's because we have faults of our own and realize that no matter who we are with, they will never be perfect and do things exactly as we would like, but if you can't accept other people's faults, why the heck should you expect them to accept yours?

[K9soul]

Sparks you stated it a lot better than I did. That is exactly how our partnership was too, and how I feel an ideal partnership is. I just wanted to say I agree with every last word of your post. I would not do well with someone who had a set of expectations from me, thus I did not turn around have have set expectations from him.

I have found that living life in general that way is the best way to go. Going from day to day with a set of expectations only leads to disappointment and the inability to enjoy the "ride" so to speak. You get caught up in needing things to be a certain way and spend much of your time unhappy when it doesn't. This is something I have learned through personal experience.

[sparks19]

Sparks you stated it a lot better than I did. That is exactly how our partnership was too, and how I feel an ideal partnership is. I just wanted to say I agree with every last word of your post. I would not do well with someone who had a set of expectations from me, thus I did not turn around have have set expectations from him.

I have found that living life in general that way is the best way to go. Going from day to day with a set of expectations only leads to disappointment and the inability to enjoy the "ride" so to speak. You get caught up in needing things to be a certain way and spend much of your time unhappy when it doesn't. This is something I have learned through personal experience.

thank you LOL although I thought your post was much better

I have learned a lot through personal experience but mostly I have learned it through watching my sister. she is the most materialistic person I will probably ever know. Everything to her is about material things. She has to have the best of everything. I remember her starting a fight with her soon to be husband because she couldn't find her expensive towels and she threw a fit cause she couldnt' afford to buy new expensive towels. he suggested just getting some cheap towels until they had the money to replace the good towels. She FREAKED. she went off on a tangent about how she bought them to go with the bathroom and she didn't decorate that bathroom to just put crap in it (lol funny when referring to a bathroom lol). I was appalled. Does a $20 towel do something a $5 towel doesn't? lol. I just see how angry she is ALL the time, I have NEVER heard her and her fiancee say they love each other or even say thank you, or anything nice to each other. I refuse to live life being angry all the time.

[lizbud]

A line from sparks previous post stated "He ALWAYS does the laundry because he knows I hate doing the laundry" Thats exactly the kind of
"knowing" that I meant in regards to a "knowing " the other partners
feelings on remembering special days (birthdays, anniversery, etc)

The gift itself is nothing compared to the remembering how the other
person feels about it & making an effort to show they do care about their
feelings by remembering.

[Glacier]

Exactly. It shouldn't be the only indicator. And, when all else is going right, it prolly isn't the only indicator.

I am single. By choice. And, I think I know why. I just see alot of 'settling for' type attitudes here. I am not into excusing other's behaviors, when I don't excuse my own. I wonder, for those that are more of the 'it isn't a big deal', or 'men are different' position, how things fare when YOU forget to do those little things...cooking, cleaning, remember his family's events, pressies for your kids, laundry, etc. How does that go over? How about if YOU "forgot" to remind him for the 20th time to get outta bed, its worktime would go over well.

Curiously wondering. I guess my point is, if I have a point, is there equality with the overlooking of 'faults' issue? (Equality not having a pure 50/50 meaning, of course, but, an equitable meaning)

I didn't settle for anything. I had a serious boyfriend who made a big deal out of special dates--remembered every birthday, gave extravagant gifts, even remembered things like the day we met ect. He was wealthy, good looking, my parents adored him. He was also a liar and a cheat. Couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. Wasted 6 years trying to change that in him. I'd much rather have my hubby who can't remember his own b-day let alone mine, but who I can trust without question all the time. When Stuart does send me flowers or something, it's because he wants to, not because he felt he had to or because he felt guilty about something!

If I didn't do the little things in your post, Stuart wouldn't notice. He'd do them himself. At least once a week, he gets frozen pizza for dinner because I don't feel like cooking. Some nights he gets home first and he cooks dinner. I don't do, never have, never will do his laundry. He's a grown man. He can do his own laundry. He doesn't touch my washing either. It will be a cold day in hell before I try to wake him up 20 times for work. I get myself up and off to work. If he doesn't get up, not my problem. He can explain it to his boss, just like I have to on the days I hit the snooze button a dozen times. I'm not his mother and I won't treat him like a child. I don't expect him to take care of me. I have a perfectly good father who did a fine job raising all four of his kids.

We don't have a list of chores or other plan to divide things up. I make substantially more money than he does. I pay most of the bills, including the mortgage and all the vet bills. He maintains my truck and the house. Stuart is much neater than I am. If he thinks the floor needs washing, he does it. I would just step over the mess. I care much more that my dogs have a clean yard than I do about how clean my house is. He doesn't do litter boxes, scoop the dog yard, feed the animals or exercise them. He does build a phenomonal fence whereever I tell him I need one! He does make sure my ATV is running so I can get the dogs out and he is my "handler" in the winter when I'm hooking up a team. He does tons of stuff around the house so I can have enough time to take the dog team out and make sure the non-working dogs get out for their walks. In the end, it might not look equitable, but it all works out.

I don't remember his family's events. I might remind him that his step-mother's b-day is coming up, but I don't go out and buy her a card. I've never met anyone in his family but his father. Occasions mean very little in his family. They are a big deal in my family. I remember my family's special dates and mark them in a way that fits for the person. He doesn't enjoy big family holidays like Christmas. He often stays home alone and cares for the critters while I go see my family.

Stuart was away a couple weeks ago and left me a love note written in the dust on the TV screen and another one in the dog nose prints on the picture window. I left them there for ages because I smiled every time I saw them. Last night he was talking about getting me a diamond blade for my chainsaw. Not quite the diamonds most women want! I'd like a few sparklies myself, but I LOVE using a chainsaw and a diamond blade would make it so much easier and faster! That is what it comes down to--he does things consistently that make my life easier. Even on the days I want to strangle him, he doesn't intentionally set out to make me feel that way!

And really, if there is something I really want, I'll just go buy it myself!

[sparks19]

A line from sparks previous post stated "He ALWAYS does the laundry because he knows I hate doing the laundry" Thats exactly the kind of
"knowing" that I meant in regards to a "knowing " the other partners
feelings on remembering special days (birthdays, anniversery, etc)

The gift itself is nothing compared to the remembering how the other
person feels about it & making an effort to show they do care about their
feelings by remembering.

LOL he only KNOWS it because if he doesn't do it then he runs out of clean clothes LOL. he does it because he knows I won't do it. LOL it really has nothing to do with knowing my feelings on the subject. It just doesn't get done.... but he never complains about me not doing it.

Also he did send her flowers and left her a card. That is remembering. How was he to know that wasn't enough? I think that is remembering how the person feels and he did make an effort. What I got from the post was the it was not enough of an effort.

You know what I got and what we did for our first wedding anniversary? I got a wonderful card and some nice flowers. that night we went to my husbands hockey game.... the same thing we did on our wedding night. BUT, I love going to his games and all our friends are there. I don't need extravegant gifts or to go to fancy places, I am a down to earth kinda girl and spending the night at my hubby's hockey game and having a few beers in the parking lot after is just my kind of night.

My husband was married before, she EXPECTED many things from him. she took many things for granted with him. she expected him to do everything with her family, yet she never wanted to do anything with his family. Now they are divorced and we are happier than ever because we can just be ourselves, we can make mistakes, we can screw up, we can forget things but it's ok because we always know the love is there. he NEVER forgets to tell me how much he loves me.

Glacier, Great post. That is exactly how it is here... sorta. Except my husband works and I don't at the moment. He is a much better cook than I am but I enjoy cooking so we almost fight over who gets to cook dinner LOL, sometimes (if the room in the kitchen permits) we will make dinner together. He was in the Army though so he is much neater than I am. he folds his clothes just so, I just fold em so they at least look folded lol. But he is a big boy, he is an adult. if he wanted a mother he would have never left home. I find people confuse Wife with mother too often. We are not there to "take care of them". Believe it or not, most men can take care of themselves just fine (although there is nothing wrong with babying them every once in while, God knows my husband takes care of me when i am not 100%). I am his wife not his mother, he knows that. I made that abundantly clear before we even decided to get married. He is much neater than I am though lol so he usually has to pick up behind me hahahaha. poor guy

[Prairie Purrs]

I get the impression that a lot of what's bothering Lobodeb isn't so much whether he did "enough" for this particular birthday, but what he did (or didn't do) for her birthday this year as compared to what he's done in the past. And yes, if I were with someone who used to make a big deal about my birthday and is now making lame excuses for why he couldn't get me anything, I'd wonder what his problem was.

I think that how a significant other treats you at birthdays and other holidays can give you some indication of where you stand with him or her. If your SO is extravagant when buying for himself and cheap when buying something for you, that's not a good sign. If she tosses a tantrum if you forget the anniversary of when you first met, but she can never be bothered to remember your birthday, that's a warning. While my ex-husband and I were dating, he insisted two years in a row on celebrating his birthday by going to lunch with his ex-wife. I definitely should have read that sign!

On the other hand, if you have a generally wonderful SO who doesn't give a flying toot about material things and can't even remember his own birthday, then his failure to make a big deal about your birthday wouldn't be worth fussing about.

[Catty1]

I have NEVER heard her and her fiancee say they love each other or even say thank you, or anything nice to each other.

And they're getting MARRIED???

Tell her how much money she'll save on a lawyer if she breaks with him NOW!