My whole life is falling apart

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

I really don't want to post this... but I can't stop thinking about it and really need someone to talk to. I will probably take it down later because I don't really like posting too much of my personal problems here.... but this one problem is too much for me. I know this is gonna be long - im sorry.

To sum up some of it. My dad has not been a huge part of my life. He drank when I was a young kid and moved out of state for most of my teenage years and never called for my birthday or Christmas or anything like that....

I'm not mad at him. I love him more than anything. But we are not very close. I don't spend a lot of time with him now because every time I get around him, him and my stepmom are always knocking my mom and trying to make her out to be some terrible person.

Anyway. I seperated from Eric last August. My dad took Eric's side in the divorce. Called Eric and invited him over for steak and told him I was in the wrong..... that he is a good person and I should stay with him. (like my dad had ANY clue what it was like being married to Eric)

I can't even begin to explain how much that hurt me.

I told my dad before Christmas about me being pregnant and he basically hung the phone up on me. Christmas Eve at my g-parents Christmas party he wouldn't talk to me.... and would turn his back on me if I would walk around him. I will always forgive my dad for things like this. I love him - he is my dad.

Well I hadn't talked to him since Christmas Eve. My sister called me New Years day and after a minute or two of conversation told me she was at Daddy's house and he wanted to talk to me. So he took the phone told me he loved me and said he would appreciate if I would come over.

So I did.

Welllllllll...... We were sitting at the table and the usual drama persued. They (my dad and stepmom) were lecturing me about being pregnant and how I will never make it on my own and need to move in with them.... that they want to help me out.

Then my dad left the room crying. And my stepmom made him come back in and tell me what he was wanting to say.

He came back and told me he believes in his heart "im his youngin" but my mom cheated on him and I'm not his kid.

How in the world after 25 years can he tell me something like that? I am soooo mad at him. What good does he think that did me - where does he think I will benifit from that information?

I wasn't gonna say anything to my mom - but I was crying and she made me tell. I thought she would tell me that dad was crazy and he is my father.... Well she didn't. And before we got off the phone she told me if I want to call her and ask her any questions I could. And I asked her about what (trying to get her to tell me) but she just said about anything. So I guess there is some chance he isn't my dad.

I feel so lost. I feel like I don't know who I am. On top of me being pregnant (and that being a terrible situation too). I just can't do it anymore.

I am so depressed today I can't stop crying. Which I just can't do I'm at work. And If one more person asks me how my new years went I'm gonna lose it.

I don't know what to do... I can't spend the rest of my life like this.

I don't know why I posted this... I don't really think you guys could give me advice on this... and I DON'T want pity..... I am just so hurt.

[Karen]

You know what? Sometimes the biology doesn't matter. That man is your father regardless of whose cells went into your creation. For better or worse, he's your Dad.

You know what else? We love you! We're here for you even if you just need to vent. If there's anything else we can do, let us know, okay?

Sending you big, supportive hugs, because you sound like you need them.

[Vermontcat]

You know you can always come here to Pet Talk and we will listen and offer you hugs and support.
Are there other family members or friends near you who can help get you through this?
Being pregnant should be a happy time, you need people around you who will support you not distress you.
You will always have your Pet Talk family here for you.
Sending some hugs your way.

[zippy-kat]

Sara,

Karen took the words from my mouth: being a father isn't just a matter of "passing on the genes," it's a matter of being there through thick and thin.

Unfortunately, I don't think this news could have come at a worse time for you. And as for the Eric thing... well, I think that in some respects, you sound much more mature than your dad.

I'm glad you're able to vent; sometimes that helps more than anything. Do you keep a journal? That might make you feel a bit better, too.

{{Lean on us! We'll help all that we can.}}

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Are there other family members or friends near you who can help get you through this?

thanks guys for being so positive and not saying anything negitive about my parents. I'm not wanting either of them to look like bad people.

I really don't have anyone to talk to.... Maybe that is why I felt I should post it here.

I can't talk to my family - because I am not sure if anyone knows about this - and I just wouldn't feel right unless they already knew. I feel like I have no one right now. Well - I do have my best friend though - but she is so mad at my dad right now that she just wants me to write him off - and I can't do that.......

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Sara,
Do you keep a journal? That might make you feel a bit better, too.

{{Lean on us! We'll help all that we can.}}

Yes. The doctor told me to try and keep a journal - because I get depressed. It does seem to help.

Thanks so much for the hugs - you guys really mean a lot to me right now.

[JenBKR]

(((hugs))) I am so sorry that you are going through such a rough time, especially while you are pregnant and really don't need the extra stress. We are always here to talk to, even if you just need someone to listen. Feel free to PM me any time, no matter what for.

[ramanth]

*HUGS*

When Mike and I split up, my parents wanted us to get back together so bad, but I knew if I did, I would just be so miserable. And it took awhile to get my parents to understand that.

What a sweet and caring heart you have to not hold a grudge against a man that doesn't sound like he was in your life very much. I couldn't imagine not having my dad in my life.

Sounds like he wanted to clear his concience and though he can't be blamed for that and for wanting to tell the truth, his timing pretty much sucked, in my opinion.

Plus you're having a baby, and that's that. Lecturing is pointless.

I wish you well. *HUGS*

[catnapper]

I am soooo very sorry. It sounds like a dreadful Christmas and New Years.

I wish I had words of wisdom that wopuld magically make you feel better, but I don't.

I am so sorry that your dad is making this harder on you, but it sounds like he's doing what he thinks needs to be done. Maybe he's been so hard on you in the past because this little family secret has been burning him up. Now you know exactly why he and your stepmom have been so venomous towards your mom.... now that everyone knows, and everyone can move on.

I've seen time and time again, men from older generations who are too stubborn to admit they may have done something wrong. Perhaps telling you about your paternity is his way of letting you know why he's acted the way he has, and this is his way of saying "lets start over." This could be his way of creating a new, closer relationship with you. Because now he doesn't have to lie, he doesn't have to know in the back of his head that he's harboring a secret from you --- one that I really feel you need to know. I know people will argue that, but for health reasons, you really DO need to know about your real father's family health history so YOU can protect yourself and the baby if there's a family history of certain diseases.

((((HUGS))))) Don't feel bad about posting here - you'll get a lot of support.

[Pam]

Sara, I have always admired you for being so mature for your age. (This is coming from an old lady of 59!) You have had some things hurled at you recently that would most certainly have caused many others to cave in. I am glad you have posted because, as you can already see, there is a lot of love here and wisdom and compassion.

I personally don't know how I'd feel or what I would do in your situation, but I doubt I would be handling it well. I know it would be very easy to get angry at everything and everyone at this point, but anger is often worse on the person who harbors it than on the one/ones that we are angry at. I can feel the love that you have for both parents and once again that speaks to your maturity and cool head despite all of the emotions you must be feeling. I don't have anything to say to help, but can pray for you and offer you (((hugs))) and a listening ear. Bless you sweetie. You and that little one will be in my prayers.

[anna_66]

Sara,
I'm so sorry to hear your feeling so terrible and it sounds like the timing of this whole thing is just as bad.

Oh how I wish I was there to give you a BIG HUG and tell you everything was going to be alright.

Just know that we're all here for you no matter what.
PM if you need anything at all OK?

Love ya sweetie
Anna

[Cataholic]

Sara- I pm'd you.

But, I just want to make a small point- publically. Your whole life is NOT falling apart. Far from it. Your whole life is really just about to explode tenfold with JOY, BLESSINGS, AND LOVE from above. I have a feeling there are several mothers on here that would echo my sentiments.

Hang in there, as I can promise you, things will get better.

Johanna

[Tubby & Peanut's Mom]

Oh Sara, I'm so sorry all this is going on now, at a time when you need support more than anything.

Obviously I don't know your dad or any of your family, and only know you from PT, so this is no justification for anyone, just a stab at trying to help you understand.

Obviously divorce is tough on everyone, including the extended family. And you being pregnant on top of it doesn't make it any easier - on anyone. Emotions are obviously running high in your whole family, which is probably what prompted your father to make this revelation at this time.

First of all, the most obvious thing to do from my outsiders point of view is to call your mom and have a good long talk. She said she you should call and ask any questions you want, so don't beat around the bush. Before you call - or better yet, visit in person - make a list of questions. This will keep you focused because things could get quite emotional while you're talking to her, and you might forget a question or two.

Secondly, have a talk with your dad and stepmom. Tell them you love him/them and you want them in your life, but you do not appreciate all the "mom bashing" and ask them to stop that. Tell them you need their support and appreciate their offer to help you out, but the best way they can do that is to stop any and all negativity towards everything including your mom, your divorce, your ability to make it on your own, your status as daughter, etc.

Thirdly, do not ever apologize for bringing your problems to PT. We are all here for you, through good and bad. Sometimes we may not be able to offer advice, but as you are finding by writing your journal, sometimes it just helps so much to just write it all down and get it off your chest.

Fourthly, remember there is always a rainbow at the end of the storm. So like Johanna says.....

Hang in there sweetie, things will get better. {{{hugs}}}

[Kfamr]

Sara, I really wish there was something I could say that would patch things up and make them "perfect" for you. I am at loss of words and I really do wish you the best. Please, although I may not have much to say, if you need anyone to talk to please PM me. BIG {{{HUGS}}} to you...

Kay

[Queen of Poop]

It's not falling apart, but it is certainly giving you a good test. Getting thru this adversity will make you a much stronger person and able to carry on into the future with your baby. Be strong, get what you need from your support system (family), and don't be afraid to get what you can from us here at Pet Talk. Take care dear, know that you are in our hearts/prayers.