Cat Resolutions

[Lobodeb]

Cat Resolutions:

I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper
in my mouth, especially when my human's grandmother is over.
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am
at peace with that.
I will not leap into my human's chair which she has
temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum
when she sits back down.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no
reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes
his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my
private parts to compare odors. My female human might
find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it,
especially in front of company.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly
not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not bite my human on the rear while she is
sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall
in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter.
(It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished
watching The X-Files.
I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the
glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human.
(It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and
see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the
middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top
of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can
admire my "kill."
I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws
extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he
wakes up all grumpy.
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of
the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests
Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans'
bed while they're trying to sleep.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my
tail fluffed up will not make my "stuff" grow back.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I
forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the
couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing
again.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to
chase leaves.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes
just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

[Lobodeb]

Part 2

I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty
after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and
singe my butt.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human
has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before
it dissolves in boiling coffee.
Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead,
I will not bite own on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares
my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the
house. It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not
knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird
feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect
the birds to just fly in.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see
me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash
into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a
personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There
have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just
discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time
one of them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people
are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these
days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air
and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on
the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms
are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my
lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need
my help installing a new board in her computer.
I will not bring the city police to the front door by
stepping on the speaker phone button and then the
automatic 911 dial button.
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing
important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house
and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.
I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding
a frog to put in the fish tank.
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have
sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

[Lobodeb]

Part 3

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes
to sleep once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain
in its bowl.
I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay
there until I get hungry.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up)
off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they
adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing
things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty"
instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and
"GET HELP!!!!!"
I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom I will
not bat at my male human's family jewels while he is
engaged in the act of mating with my female human, no matter how
tempting the danglies are. My humans get mad and I might get free
flying lessons.
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the
nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet
me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they
chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that
the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy
mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach,
even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I
will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the
floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and
make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make
tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans
take the catnip toy away from me.
After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but
equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell
where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his
traces.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

[AlleyCat]

Those are hilarious !!! Written by a true cat meowmie!

[DJFyrewolf36]

After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but
equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell
where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his
traces.

I need to show this to Remus lol!

Thanks for the laugh!

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Oh my, I cannot stop laughing here...

[catmandu]

WE WILL NOT PEE,ON THE COMPUTER,OR CLOG,THE KEYBOARD,WITH OUR FUR,AS OUR DAD,NEEDS IT TO BE ON PET TALK.
WE WILL NOT WOLF DOWN,ONE FOOD,ONLY TO IGNORE IT,AFTER OUR DAD,HAS STRUGGLED HOME,WITH 50 POUNDS,OF THE EXACT SAME FOOD.
THOSE,OF US WHO DO NOT CARE,FOR CANNED FOOD,WILL NOT BRING SOCKS,TOWELS,OR THINGS,TO COVER THE FOOD,TO MAKE THE CANNED FOOD LOVERS,MISS IT.
WHEN OUR DAD,GOES,TO GO TO BED,WE WILL STAY,ON OUR SIDE,SO HE DOESNT HAVE TO WRECH,HIS BACK,AVOIDING US.
WE WILL NOT BRUSH BY THE RADIO,OR STEP,ON THE REMOTE CONTROL,CHANGING THE CHANNEL,IN THE MIDDLE,OF THE LAST ROUND,OR INNING,OF A CLOSE CONTEST.
HE LOVES US,WE WILL LOVE OUR GUARDIAN,IN RETURN,AS HE,IS THE ONLY THING,THAT KEEPS US,OFF THE STREETS.

[Don Juan's mom]

Great. Now I'll have to wipe off all the mascara that's run on my face. As it is, my co-workers probably think I'm channelling Muttley from the "Wacky Racers" cartoons.

The stray cat in the yard will not get in the house and take all the food. I do not need to wake up my human at 5:30 am to tell her about it.

When I knead my human's tummy, I will keep my claws sheathed. Or, if I can't do that, then I will let her clip my claws with a minimum of fuss.

When I use the litter box, I will wipe my feet on the mat she has so thoughtfully provided before joining her on the bed.

My human works very hard and needs her sleep. When I get down from the window after my 4:00 am bird-watching session, I will take care not to land on her.

Liz

[momcat]

That is just too funny! Only someone sharing their life with a cat can truly understand the humor and appreciate this to the fullest! It's safe to say I'll be laughing for the rest of today. Thanks so very much for sharing, we really needed that!!!!!

[Pawsitive Thinking]

Very, very funny!! Thank you