Wedding Dilemma- What Would You Do?

[Desert Arabian]

Hello Wonderful PT! I know I have been absent for many months, but I have what I believe to be a pretty large dilemma and I know I can count on the good members of PT for solid advice and feedback. I am getting married next September, planning is well under way and we already have a TON of stuff figured out, BUT there is one thing that is really stressing me out and I don't know how to handle it. It's my (future) sister-in-law. We do not have a relationship of any sort, for the 7 years that I have been dating her brother we have never interacted aside from small family functions (she usually pretends I am not in the room) and she seems to resent me for some reason. I always feel very uneasy around her and I rarely say a thing to her anymore, in the past I always tried to have a conversation with her to break the ice, not anymore. I have been trying to figure out the reason why she resents me for a long time but I cannot figure it out, Josh does not seem to know why either. The one time I did hang out with her, we went to a Rascal Flatts/Taylor Swift concert and it was incredibly awkward -- she barely talked to me and played on her phone almost the entire time. When Josh proposed in July she never said a word to me after the big news was announced, she never said congratulations, asked to see the ring, or any other normal reactions most happy people would have. It has been 3 months now and I still have not heard a word from her.

Of course, Josh wants his sister to stand up in the wedding - which I completely understand- however I cannot cope with the idea of her standing up in the wedding; ruining my big day by stressing me out. I do not want her involved in any aspects of it. I have cried a lot over this ordeal because I feel really bad for Josh, I feel bad that I don't have a better relationship with her, but in the end I feel I cannot let her get in the way and destroy the one day I have looked forward to the most since I was a little girl. Recently, after a serious conversation Josh has agreed that she should not stand up in the wedding, but now I have to worry about the reaction I get when his mom and sister find out this news. Lord Almighty, save me now.

I guess I would just like to know what you would do in this situation? Do you feel my decision is justified or fair? I have never been faced with this dilemma so I have no clue what to do, my anxiety is through the roof. Thanks PT for letting me vent a little bit.

[Karen]

Maybe you should set up a time to meet her for lunch and talk with her about why she seems to resent you, etc. There is plenty of time between now and next September to work things out, and if you still don't get friendly with her, ask her if she would be willing to do a reading or something, rather being a bridesmaid, that way she can be a part of her brother's big day, but not have to hang around with you very much.

[Edwina's Secretary]

Are you even sure she wants to stand up for you?

But it seems to me that Josh should take responsibility for the situation - it is his sister. He should ask her what her issue is with you and why she behaves the way she does.

[Desert Arabian]

Are you even sure she wants to stand up for you?

But it seems to me that Josh should take responsibility for the situation - it is his sister. He should ask her what her issue is with you and why she behaves the way she does.

Good point! I am secretly hoping she doesn't really want to, but I would have to imagine for the sake of her brother that she would. Josh avoids confrontation at all costs, so getting him to step up to the plate and sit down with his sister most likely would never happen unless I really got on his butt about it -- but I won't.

[Cataholic]

I am presuming Josh's sister is an adult, squarely over the age of 21, and under no mental disability when I make these comments.

First and foremost- Josh needs to develop some maturity and deal with his sister. If he is willing to let someone that is so close to him treat the woman he is about to marry like she does, there is a problem. It is about respect and boundaries. He is ignoring both of these. Josh is basically saying to his sister, "hey, I am totally cool with you treating my soon to be wife like crap, and making her feel uncomfortable". I can't imagine any of my four brothers allowing me to treat their wives like this woman does to you. I wouldn't be invited anywhere, let alone to be a member of the bridal party. And the thing is? Even if I wanted to, which I wouldn't, I wouldn't treat someone like that not because I might not WANT to, but because of my love and respect for my brother. There is a problem, for sure, between Josh and his sister, for something like this to be going on.

Next, if his sister isn't nice to you, then stop being nice to her. Stop trying. Stop making excuses for her. Family or not- "good" people don't treat others like this. Stop allowing it. She should not be in your wedding, and to think you entertained such an idea is absurd. She is crapping on you. Treating you with NO respect. Please- respect yourself. People treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. You may be surprised by standing up for yourself and showing her you respect yourself, she just might start to.

AS far as having a sit down with her, seriously? Cause you think she doesn't know she is crapping on you? Because you think she doesn't know how wrong and immature it is? Why ever would you want to go there? You know it is wrong, and she knows it is wrong.

Heck of a way to start your life together.

[CountryWolf07]

Simple. Don't include her. Don't try to be 'friends' with her', it's obvious the line is drawn and has been already for a long time. If she did try to have a relationship with you, she would've done it in the beginning. Easy as that. It's YOUR big day. Don't stress yourself out!

[Jessika]

Maybe you should set up a time to meet her for lunch and talk with her about why she seems to resent you, etc. There is plenty of time between now and next September to work things out, and if you still don't get friendly with her, ask her if she would be willing to do a reading or something, rather being a bridesmaid, that way she can be a part of her brother's big day, but not have to hang around with you very much.

This is the "logical" thing to do, but I will speak with experience...

First and foremost, this is YOUR big day. Not to say this isn't your future hubby's big day, either, but guy's usually don't get "into" the wedding planning and effort or dream about their wedding day as much as us gals do. That having been said, you need to do what makes YOU happy. If not having her as a bridesmaid is going to cause a lot of tension between you and your fiance, then fine, do it. But most bridesmaids are happy to be a part of the entire wedding planning process, something she won't seem to want to do.

When I was married, my sister in law and I did NOT have a good relationship, either. In fact, she wasn't even on speaking terms with any of her parents or siblings throughout the planning. His other sister I did have a good relationship with and she WAS one of my bridesmaids, but this one I did not even invite to the wedding (she showed up, anyway).

I guess the most important thing here is, bottom line - communication. Communication of thoughts and feelings between you and your fiance, and communication between your future SIL and yourself. If she won't even attempt to sit down and have a civil conversation with you about why she has acted the way she has to you, then, in my honest opinion, she has no right to be an intimate part of your wedding day.

[Catty1]

Can Josh talk to her and find out what the big deal is? I don't know if their parents are still living, but if it's been any kind of the two of them 'against the world' sort of thing, she might be afraid and very jealous.

May you and Josh can both sit down with her. She might try to ignore you or be 'too busy for lunch', but she can't ignore her brother. I rather think it is her family's job to help with this.