Things are great, but.. ? [relationship question]

[CountryWolf07]

Things with Mike are going really great.. been together for almost three years in January.. but one thing - he hasn't been able to say the three words still - "I love you" and I've said it a couple times and all he can say back is, "I know".. should I at all be concerned? We just went on vacation for a couple days, and we had a good time. I know I want to hear those words, but sometimes I wonder once in a while if he really does or not. My family thinks it's strange that he hasn't said it yet, and seems like that their thinkings/influence is starting to grow on me this time around and I'm starting to get nervous over it, possibly over nothing. Oy. He defends himself every time saying he does, but he just doesn't like to say things with words. I mean, it's been a long time, and I think I would at least deserve to know if he does or not. It would be nice to hear from a guy's perspective on here. Sorry if it's a pointless rant, but it's been on my mind tonight.

[caseysmom]

I am sure it would bother me too but it does seem like he is showing you he loves you in other ways, it may just be hard for him to say it.

Me and my husband would always say "i love you" at the end of a phone conversation, it was such a habit we would even say it when we didn't mean it at that moment and it became kind of a mumble So what I am saying is the words lost their meaning. Do you feel like he loves you when he looks at you?

[Medusa]

We know when we're loved.

[Pinot's Mom]

Ask him. That's all...if there's any insecurity, just ask him. Maybe it's just me, I'm a pretty direct kind of person, but that's what I'd do.

[Daisy and Delilah]

Ask him. That's all...if there's any insecurity, just ask him. Maybe it's just me, I'm a pretty direct kind of person, but that's what I'd do.

I agree with this 100%, Rachel. I know how you feel about it and it is time you talked to him and see what he says. I still think he's just not the kind of person to easily say it but three years have passed. You deserve to hear it from him. I hate to tell this story but.....my Mom and Dad were never real affectionate. Therefore, they never really said "I love you" to us very much. My kids became concerned one day, years later, and asked why I didn't say it to them. We got it all out and now, we all say it to each other, every time we talk or say goodbye temporarily. It's so much better.

Best wishes with this. I know it may not be easy but I think it's time to have that talk. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

[prechrswife]

Ask him. That's all...if there's any insecurity, just ask him. Maybe it's just me, I'm a pretty direct kind of person, but that's what I'd do.

I agree.

[CountryWolf07]

The thing is, I have asked - He seems to be insecure about feelings & emotions but he said he does, he just doesn't like to say it, never has. He really defends himself on that issue - so I just leave him alone about it, because it seems like the more I try to encourage him to be open, he just stays closed. He grew up in that situation in a family where they never really say "I love you". So he asked me if I thought he didn't considering all of the things he's done for me and all the times he's been with me. He is really affectionate in other ways, not with words. He remembers all the little things, etc. Maybe I do have a problem with myself. Don't get me wrong, we both are happy with each other, we laugh a lot and really enjoy being around each other, and once in a while, that gets on my mind and causes me to think. Maybe it is one of his flaws that never came up until later on into the relationship. Nobody's perfect, right?

[K9karen]

We know when we're loved.

Actions speak louder than words.

Some people, women included, just can't say those words.
Luckily, I grew up in an atmosphere where it was said constantly.
I occassionally tell my bff of 50+ years how much I love her and she'll reply "you too", or "yup* but her actions towards me all these years proves she does.

Those words mean a lot to me, but John and I don't often say it to each other and we've been together 7 years. I don't feel the need.

But I know you've mentioned this before. IMO, if Mike didn't love you, I doubt you'd still be together. You should tell him how you feel anyway. Just don't be pushy (you know what I mean). Didn't you say Mike was a Saggatarius? So is my bff. I think it's a coincidence, of course, but having dated a Sag for a while, years ago, ILU was never uttered.

[catnapper]

Things I've learned in life is to follow my own heart instead of listening to what others feel. So he hasn't said "I love you" in words. Would you have stayed with him for 3 years if he didn't tell you in a million other ways? Its easy for your family to day its weird... they aren't with you every time you're together.

While reading your post, all I could think of was the movie "Ghost" where Patrick Swayze only said "ditto" when she told him that she loved him. He obviously loved her, he just couldn't say it.

Who's to say what is weird? I tell my husabnd I love him a hundred times a day.... many might think its weird to tell someone you love them so much. It just feels right to me.

[CountryWolf07]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read my post(s) - I really appreciate it. I know how I feel about him, how he feels about me, it's just more than any words can say really. It's true, I'm at a crossroad right now and figuring things out on my own, but I gotta admit, I just know, the last three years, it's been worth it and still is worth it to be with someone like him. He is a wonderful guy, sure, some flaws I don't like that he has, but it's what makes him "him". He brought up something to remind me that he was always who he's been and I must've just "realized" it now instead of before. Go figure, but hey, it's change, I suppose. I was in college the last 2 years and now I am back at home and now I kind of "see" things now, more like how things are really like. I gotta say, it is tough sometimes when I hear a lot of people I know say, "Don't you want him to say these words? How do you really know?" or "I think that's weird, I don't understand how you can be with someone who is different, etc." I do ADMIT sometimes it does get me thinking too much. All I know is, I'd rather be with him than anybody else. We also got to talk about "the future", and that, we don't have to talk about it right now, but by sometimes next year, it will be talked about. So that's good for the both of us, it's all we can really do for now.

Ok, I guess last night we held hands, but hey. Not bad right? I told him that I like to hold hands and that I wouldn't do it with him because I knew he didn't like to do that, and he said "Ok, hey, I don't care, if you want to hold hands, then take my hand." - I think we have cleared up that part... hopefully. I guess it is all about timing.

Catnapper - The way we say good night to eachother/goodbye, we always say "Good night and adios!" - I think that's become more of our "I love you" instead of actually saying these words. It's my take on it.

Finnsmom - I agree. It's all about timing. When we met, where we are, it's the right timing for the both of us. I absolutely do not doubt him that he does love me. I know it, he just isn't good with words. He said he will try really hard to be open.

Anyways, I think from our talk we've had over the weekend has helped us see some things and I think it will be okay. I have faith in us, and that's all I can say.

[RICHARD]

Koko made some great points.

Here's an example?

Can of soda?

Do you have to ask him to grab you one?

Or does he,
Grab you one when he goes to the fridge?
Get's a glass of ice, pops it open, pours it and places the straw in it?

IF he does it all, he might like you.

If he does a few of those things, he might like you.

If he grabs you a can and just hands it to you, then plops down next to you on the sofa, he might like you.

Us guys rely on the "Adjustable Levels of Love and Caring'. We do care, but we are so disconnected from our feelings at times we forget how to say things like, I.........I...............I luh.....................I.........luh............. ..


See, I can't even WRITE it!

As dumb as this sounds? Would you rather have an insincere "I.........Luh......." or little actions, time together or knowing looks passed between y'all?

For the record.

If you confront a person and ask them to explain why they cannot be more vocal about luh.....luhhhhhh......love.....you may force then to blurt it out with no meaning behind the wordage.

This was a GIANT problem in a relationship I had. We worked it out when I explained that if I didn't care or luh....luh........luh......love her. I'd be out
working another side of the street.

I think it worked. Is 13 years a long time?

[Medusa]

I'll say it again: we know when we're loved.

[finn's mom]

I don't think there's a doubt that he loves you. I personally couldn't be with someone who wouldn't hold my hand or tell me that he loves me. I'm very affectionate and like to have it reciprocated. I don't mind being friends or acquaintances with people that don't feel the same way, but not in really close relationships. It's just not in me to compromise to that extreme.

I believe that people have more than one soulmate in their lifetime. It's not always just about being in love with each other, timing has a lot to do with whether or not a relationship is right for you. If you're waiting for him to just surprise you one day, I hate to say that I think you'll be let down. If he doesn't see it as a problem worth working on (through counseling, men's church programs, self help training like www.discovery-training.com, etc), then he will more than likely never change that aspect of his behavior/personality.

It's a tough decision at any point in life, but you really have to decide if this part of the relationship is a deal breaker or not. For me, it would be, but I don't think I would have even gone a year without the words of affirmation or the affection that you're missing with him.

I know that I accept and even agree with some parts of my husband's personality or behavior that other women would consider completely unacceptable. It's just a matter of what works for you and him, right here right now. Not what might work later.

I think you are a great girl, and he sounds like a great guy! And, again, I don't doubt for a moment that he loves you. It doesn't really sound like you doubt it, either. I think you're just at a bit of a crossroads, trying to figure out if you and he are going to continue down the path together or separately.

I hope I haven't offended you, it's just my thoughts on this, based on what I've seen in Pet Talk over the last few years. Either way, I wish you both the best.

[RICHARD]

I'll say it again: we know when we're loved.

Here's a soda and ice.

[chocolatepuppy]

We don't hold hands, etc. any like of the normal couples you'd see out there in public

Normal? Ha ha! We've been married 33 years and my hubby's not a hand holder. I've probably heard 'I love you' a dozen times and said it a few more than that. He will sign 'love' on cards.
Rachel, I think the most important thing is what do YOU want and will you be happy with things the way they are. IMO, he will not change, at least, not much. I agree with Mary, you KNOW when you are loved.