Would this upset you?

[Lobodeb]

Here's the skinny.

My husband doesn't drive. Never has, probably never will. No reason other than choice (and spoiled and laziness if you ask me).

So, I just celebrated my birthday a couple of weeks ago. I woke up in the morning to a birthday card by my purse (he leaves much earlier than I do). It was all nice and mushy, etc.

I get to work, I have flowers and balloons on my desk waiting for me. No, not from him, from some co-workers. E-mails and cards are sent to me, they take me out to lunch, it was a very nice day. Oh, by the way, I hadn't heard from the hubby all day.

I get home, he asks how my day was. I told him how generous my co-workers were. He asks about the flowers, I describe them. I asked if they were the only flowers I received. Yes. He asks if I'm sure. YES. He said, "that's weird, because I had some sent to you just like those. Are you sure they didn't just take off my card and put their names on it." After a long phone call with FTD, the flowers he bought me arrived after I left. Nice.

Come on! Who does that?

Then, we were going to go out for dinner. But, by the time I got home, got the baby ready and finally got out, it was around 8 PM. My husband has to be at work by 5 AM. He couldn't keep his eyes open. I suggested we do the dinner another night. We get home, he tells me "sorry I couldn't get you anything, but my cousin couldn't take me to the store today."

Today? You just tried to get me something today? He has access to all of Chicago's down town, and the internet and he relies on his cousin to take him shopping the day of my birthday? Oh, I forgot to add that his reason for not getting me any Christmas gifts last year was the same, that his cousin couldn't take him. I was 9 months pregnant and found my fat a$$ to the store, but he couldn't get a ride.

Now, let me also add that we've been having A LOT of problems lately, so he can't do a lot of things right as it is. AND, I'm a bit spoiled.

He went the next day and got me a DVD and a pair of head phones for my iPod and some tickets to see a dance group. My feeling was too little too late.

I got him an ESPN phone for his birthday. His birthday was 1 month after Hugito was born. So here I am, post-op, getting the baby dressed to go out in the dead of Chicago winter to spend the equivalent of a car payment on a cell phone with a baby in tow, and I get a DVD and head phones.

He wonders why I'm upset.

Am I wrong to be so upset?

[caseysmom]

I have been married for 25 years and hubby just isn't good at that stuff, It took me about 18 years to quit getting mad about it.

Sounds like he did leave you a card and he tried to send flowers, sounds like the florist screwed up.

Sorry but most men don't think how we do, that just the way they are built. Not all men so men don't be offended. Women are nurturing and think ahead, we are wired different.

[moosmom]

Caseysmom is right, some men are just not programmed to think that far ahead.

At least he got you something, as late as it might be. It's not worth arguing over or staying mad at him for.

[Glacier]

If I expected Stuart to remember things like my birthday, I'd be choked. However, I got sick of being ticked off when he forgot. He has trouble even remembering what day it is, he is always off by a day or two. I can't remember the last time I got a card from him for any occasion!

So instead of getting mad at him, I take his Visa card (we don't have a joint card so the bill goes solely to him. I have my own card that I pay.) and buy myself whatever I want for my birthday and Christmas. Then I tell him about it later! I got a lovely ring for my b-day this year! His card has purchased my entire Kiefer Sutherland/24 DVD collection! It would be nice if he remembered, but it's never going to happen so this works out for both of us.

Stuart is a good husband in other ways--faithful, trustworthy, hardworking, ect, ect....The gift battle just didn't seem like one worth fighting about.

It sounds like you have bigger issues in your marriage than just that he messed up on your birthday. Maybe this was just the last straw that ticked you off??

[Karen]

Every guy is different. My birthday is impossible for Paul to miss, as it is the day after his mother's and my father's birthday, so we spend time prior to it discussing what to get them. And Paul is always more prepared for these things than I, too.

My dad? Dad is hopeless at these things. He remembers that my birthday is right next to his - just forgets which side it's on! And the rest of my siblings? Nah! If asked, he knows the month, and year - close enough, right? One year, for Christmas, his neighbor bought a calendar for him, then called me and wrote down all the birthdays of the family on the calendar for him. That was the one year he got everyone right! We know he loves us, that's what matters. Birthdays were always Ma's responsibility - and now we know why!

[Lady's Human]

The SOLE reason I remember Jen's birthday is that it's on July 5th. Otherwise I would either forever be in the doghouse, or she would learn to deal with it.

I get my siblings' birthdays wrong, I know the month, that's about it, and I can remember the kids' birthdays every once in a while. It's not neglect, it's not that I don't love them, it just is.

Don't sweat the small stuff, there are enough major problems that come with life. No need to create more.

[BOBS DAD]

I have been married for 25 years and hubby just isn't good at that stuff, It took me about 18 years to quit getting mad about it.

Sounds like he did leave you a card and he tried to send flowers, sounds like the florist screwed up.

Sorry but most men don't think how we do, that just the way they are built. Not all men so men don't be offended. Women are nurturing and think ahead, we are wired different.

I am sorry Lobodeb. I apologize for your husband, myself and all men. I don't think it is right - especially when I hear about it directly from women in stories just like yours - but it just happens to be how most men are. I do think the cousin excuse can be a bit of a crutch, as you say he has access to downtown Chicago. I must admit that I really don't "get" the birthdays, anniversary and various other dates of celebration. I would just as soon forget about them all and just go about living. And yes.. I mean even and maybe especially for myself. I would not care if I NEVER got another gift to commemorate these events. I do remember to get things for my wife... but only because I know it is important to her. I myself don't get it and I have to really force myself to try and remember to remember!!!

[popcornbird]

I would not be upset at all. In fact, as much as I hope you won't be upset at me for saying this...I do feel your reaction to what he thought to be 'thoughtfulness' is completely ungrateful, as a wife. Love and understanding is not only supposed to come from the man. It goes both ways, and as you are his wife, you should be understanding of him. I sometimes feel us women can be too demanding of our husbands, and give the poor men a hard time.

Women, by nature, are more sentimental than men. Men and women see love from a different light, and what women like are sometimes things men don't care for, or don't remember. That's not because your husband doesn't love you. Its because he's a man. He doesn't think like you do, as he can't. You're a woman, he's a man. You need to learn to deal with that reality. Have you ever read the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? It really helps in giving husbands and wives a deeper understanding of their spouse, and why men and women do things the way they do.

Your husband had written out a loving card to surprise you. He sent you flowers. What more do you expect from him? If he didn't love you, do you really think he would write those mushy, touching things in the card, or send you flowers? He is a human being, and everyone makes mistakes. Husbands and wives have such a deep, close relationship, and because of the intensity of our contact, there's a greater chance of misunderstanding each other. Tolerance, patience, and forgiveness are very important in a marriage, and even more so when there's also a child in the picture.

I personally don't care about birthdays. My birthday is the same day as our wedding anniversary, so there's no way for my husband to forget...but birthdays don't mean much to me. He shows me his love every day of the week. He gets me flowers for no particular reason, or for no particular event...just when he wants to make me feel special. I wouldn't care if he forgot to get me something on a special event. Men don't remember dates like we do. As long as he shows me love, he gets my love. Everyone makes mistakes, and if its your husband who made them, well, forgive him. If this is his only problem, there's no reason to be mad at him. He is your husband, and father of your child. Family should be first to forgive each other, and try to refrain from getting upset for little things.

Also, realistically, the romance and passion we have during the early years of marriage does decrease with time, and if we don't have true love, once the romance lessens, marriages collapse. Romance and gifts should be a part of marriage, but not what its based on, and not the only thing love thrives on. Just think about it. I'm sure he had the best of intentions.

[Edwina's Secretary]

I would be annoyed. I don't drink coffee, but my husband does. I have learned how to get the coffee he likes (even though I think coffee is coffee) so, if need be, I can pick it up. He knows what kind of soda I like. And will get it for me if need be.

In other words...we both make an effort to know what is important to the other.

And frankly, I don't get a pootie whether he is programmed that way or not. That is just an excuse. I can learn...he can learn.

It is not that difficult.....surely men are capable of learning despite their "different wiring"....

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

If men can remember what time the football game starts and who batted what when....they are capable of maintaining a calendar....

[BOBS DAD]

I would be annoyed. I don't drink coffee, but my husband does. I have learned how to get the coffee he likes (even though I think coffee is coffee) so, if need be, I can pick it up. He knows what kind of soda I like. And will get it for me if need be.

In other words...we both make an effort to know what is important to the other.

And frankly, I don't get a pootie whether he is programmed that way or not. That is just an excuse. I can learn...he can learn.

It is not that difficult.....surely men are capable of learning despite their "different wiring"....

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

If men can remember what time the football game starts and who batted what when....they are capable of maintaining a calendar....

Edwina,

Your point is a different and interesting take on the subject. I've thought about it and pondered your sentiment, but I have to say that I think it is more complex than you make it. For instance, it is not a matter of my remembering and learning that is the fundamental difference between my wife and I - and apparently from the previous posts - most men and their wives.

I do remember these dates (but I have to really concentrate, tie strings on fingers, place postits on my computer screen. etc., etc.) and try and buy something that makes my wife happy, send her flowers and what not. But really... I could care less. I would rather we not worry about these "special days". They are just another day to me. I do it because I know it means something to my wife. I mean, it really, really, really means something to her.

I think my family gets more out of anything they may do for me or anything they get me for my birthday than I do. My wife sometimes crys when I tell her that at about 10 or so when I was a kid, my parents stopped doing anything special for we children and definitely did not buy us gifts. We just had our usual dinner and afterwards my brothers and sister would sing Happy Birthday and we all had a great cake that my Mom baked. To me that was normal and I was quite content with it. Anyways, I have to reiterate that I do think women and men are very, very different when it comes to these things and that it is not simply a matter of caring about each other.

But back to Lobodeb... the more I think about it, the less I like the cousin excuse!!! That's just too easy and maybe if nothing else, that may make me more upset/angry than anything else.

And Popcornbird... where were "you" when I was single??? You are like every man's dream wife!!! LOL. Just kidding... but you are quite the exception when it comes to our bad habits and shortcomings!

[mugsy]

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

Oh Sara, I am SO glad you said that! Mike had to remind me the first 3 years we were married of our anniversary! He remembers dates really well and it's kind of embarrassing! lol

[Cataholic]

I would be annoyed. I don't drink coffee, but my husband does. I have learned how to get the coffee he likes (even though I think coffee is coffee) so, if need be, I can pick it up. He knows what kind of soda I like. And will get it for me if need be.

In other words...we both make an effort to know what is important to the other.

And frankly, I don't get a pootie whether he is programmed that way or not. That is just an excuse. I can learn...he can learn.

It is not that difficult.....surely men are capable of learning despite their "different wiring"....

(and I am the one who can never remember our anniversary...I know the month and year but ALWAYS have to look up the day.....)

If men can remember what time the football game starts and who batted what when....they are capable of maintaining a calendar....

I cannot even begin to tell you how right on this post is.

It. Is. An. Excuse. Dress it up in gender issues, cloud it behind "don't sweat the little stuff", or whatever. If it is important to you it should be important enough to him to recognize.

Don't sweat the little stuff? Life it too short? Darn tootin'! Find a man, or woman, or partner, or dog that views life the way you do. Life is too short to spend it with someone that isn't on the same page as you.

Those that say they deal with it? Or, get over it? I would have to imagine that your partner is spot on most of the time, OR, that the issue isn't as big/important to you as it is to the OP. That's fine. But, we are not her.

I would be deeply offended to know MY special day is, frankly, no big deal to my partner.

I think you have EVERY right to be upset/offended, and the no driving thing? Sounds pretty much like a 'core' issue to me. I would bet .02 there is more to that story. I mean more than you know about, really. How long have you two been together? How old is your husband? Off chance- he has a reason he can't drive, i.e., he is prohibited from obtaining a license.....that is how I would see it.

[Husky_mom]

my thoughts also, men (not all again) are not made to remember important stuff like that, some wouldn´t even remember their own bdays if their mother/wife didn´t reminded them........

as said he seemed to have the decency of getting you a card and some late flowers (again florist mistake) but still he sended you some........nice gesture

but still, I believe he shouldn´t rely on his cousin to get you something, you are not his cousins wife!!.......as you said you walked whereever pregnant and/or just recently op........just to get HIM a present, he SHOULD´ve thought of that gesture of yours and get his butt walking to get you a NICE thing, no matter if you are spoiled or not, you give what you receive and you honey.........are not receiving what you gave.......

and i know some times you just dont have the $$ to splurge as you might want to, but still make a memorable moment out of the day, I myself have posponed some dinner times and all, and I also have went shopping the very same day, but only if I just was too busy or haven´t found something that fullfilled my expectations, or even said I didn´t get you anything cause there was nothing I liked, but if you like something i´ll get it for you..........so there are no excuses for not getting you somethign on your bday, I know it´s not good to be materialistic (I´m not) but you expect to get something nice when thats all you´ve been doing (it´s nice to get spolied on bdays/anniversaries)

I read from some PTer , just can´t remember whom (LOL sorry) you can get something nice and add a thank you note to HIS credit card statement LOL...... that way he won´t need his cousin to get you something........

[Suki Wingy]

I'd be mad!

my thoughts also, men (not all again) are not made to remember important stuff like that, some wouldn´t even remember their own bdays if their mother/wife didn´t reminded them.......

My dad didn't remember how old he was last b-day, he had to stop and do the math!

[Luvin Labs]

He gave you a birthday card AND flowers ON your birthday.

I voted "diva" only because "of course" and "unsure" didn't fit with me...

I see this comment...

So here I am, post-op, getting the baby dressed to go out in the dead of Chicago winter to spend the equivalent of a car payment on a cell phone with a baby in tow, and I get a DVD and head phones.

Then I see this comment...

Second of all, this isn't about the amount he spent on gifts, but the thought behind them.

To me, it sounds like those two are contradicting statements. You don't care about the cost yet you are sounding pissed that you are paying for an expensive cell phone (for him?) and yet you get "a dvd and headphones". But I may be reading it wrong.

I am tickled pink when my DH gives me a card and flowers. If that is all he gave me that would be fine for me.

Is there a reason he does not buy things off the internet? Perhaps he doesn't trust it like others do? Or just not that knowledgable about the internet?

so he can't do a lot of things right as it is

this just sounds so harsh (the whole first post does actually)!!!

I never said he was stupid, incompetent or can't do anything right. I did say he was lazy.

You actually DID say he can't do anything right (well, very close to it "a lot of things right")...

I'm truly sorry that this isn't the only problem with your marriage. How long have you been married? I hope it works out for you and your husband.