joke thread

[AmberLee]

Good ones, Lut!

[AmberLee]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

-----------------

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL!
Put in some more butter! Oh ! my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

A duck walks into a feed store, looks up at the guy and says "Got any fish?"

Guys says "This is a feed store. We don't sell fish"..
Duck waddles out.

Next day the duck waddles in and says "Got any fish?".

Guy says "I told you we don't sell fish. We sell feed for cows and horses". Duck waddles out.

Next day the duck waddles and and says "Got any fish?".

Guys screams at the duck "I told you we don't sell fish!!! I'm sick of you coming in and asking for it! If you come in here again I'm going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!". Duck waddles out.

Next day the duck walks in and says "Got any nails?".

Guy says "No. We don't sell nails.".

Duck says "Got any fish?"...

[anna_66]

One morning, the manager of a large company noticed a new employee and told him to come into his office. “What’s your name?” he asked.

“John,” the new employee replied.

The manager scowled. “Look, I don’t call anyone by their first name. It leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only— Smith, Jones, Rogers—that’s all. Now that we have that straight, what is your last name?”

The new employee sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

The owner looked at him for a few seconds and then said, “Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...”

[buttercup132]

cute jokes, wow this thread has ALOT of replies!!

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

That was a goodie too, Anna!!

here is another one:

Goodies

Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee...

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash...

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it...

True friends stab you in the front.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

A mistake should not be considered a step backwards, but considered a pause for re-direction.

[todd]

great Ida

[AmberLee]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

[vinjashira]

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry
me!"
That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her
and
pointing at you says "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich.
Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to
her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way,
I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I
want to marry you."
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback

[GreyhoundGirl]

LOL great jokes everyone !

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

"No I told her I was 90."