joke thread

[AmberLee]

_@/ snail

@ frightened snail

_@_ tired snail

_@/\@_ snail meeting

_@@/ snails uh...

~@~ flying snail

.o/ baby snail

__/ slug


\/
_@ snail watching TV


_a/ homeless snail



_@/
@
@
@
@ snail living in a high-rise


_A/ snail at vacation home

[cookieluver7]

Sorry if anybody else did this one but I didn't want to read every joke to make sure i didnt copy anybody. I have a couple.

1st joke: There was a little boy and it was the first day of school. His teacher was teaching the class the abc's. The little boy says, "Teacher I have to go pottie!" "Okay," says the teacher, "but first say the abc's." "abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz" says the boy. "What happened to the p?" the teacher asked. "It's running down my leg!" you've prbly heard it already and I know it's kind of cheesy, but I thought it was kind of funny

2nd joke: Why didn't the chicken cross the rode? Because he was a chicken! Ha ha! (corny!)

3rd and last joke: The boys says to his dad, "daddy is GOD black or white" his dad didn't know what to answer so he replies "both son" then he asked "daddy, is GOD a boy or a girl?" his dad didn't know what to answer so he replies "both son" the boy looked shocked. "DADDY! I didn't know that GOD was Michael Jackson! Hope you enjoyed these jokes!

[AmberLee]

PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

FIRST TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."

[DJFyrewolf36]

Heres a dorky blonde joke lol

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 6 pm news. The featured story was about a man who was about to jump off of a high rise building. The brunette says to the blonde "I bet you 5 bucks he is going to jump off that building" The blond replies "I bet he wont!"

Sure enough the guy jumps

The brunette says "Well I can't really accept the 5 bucks because I saw this story on the 5 pm news so I knew what was going to happen"

The blonde replies "Yeah, I watched it on the 5 pm news too, but I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump off twice!"

yeah I know hehe

[AmberLee]

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." --Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." --Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead." --Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." --Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." --Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." --August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the
conversation." --Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" --Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." --Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." --James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." --Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." --Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." --Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." --Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" --Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. --Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." --Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." --Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." --Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." --Christopher Morley

[AmberLee]

Here are some real answers to some real questions regarding pregnancy:

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A. No, not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

[AvaJoy]

Some great quotes, AmberLee!

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

"IS YOUR MOMMY BUSY ??
While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in
bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I
told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the
time.

The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off
for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side
and it would come back on, which was no big deal...

A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I
was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the
door.

The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?

My little one looked up at him and replied,
"No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

[AmberLee]

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign outside a restaurant:

Fish $8.95
Fresh Fish $9.95

At one of my jobs, my office was near the soldering department. Whenever the supervisor held a meeting he would start it by saying "If you don't understand English, raise your hand."

How about the guy that came in and said, "Could you please look up the number for 9-1-1 so I can call an ambulance?"

[AmberLee]

Hilarious Classified Ads

.FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

.FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

.GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

.FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile..
Better be reward.

.COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.

.NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

.GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

.NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once

.JOINING N UDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

.FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

[dogs_4_me]

Originally posted by AmberLee
Hilarious Classified Ads

.FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

.FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

.GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

.FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile..
Better be reward.

.COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.

.NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

.GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

.NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once

.JOINING N UDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

.FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica
45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

LMAO! 1

[amoore]

Thank you Amber Lee ! Those were sooo funny! I almost fell out of my chairlaughing while I was reading them!

[AmberLee]

20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head B utt
8 . Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works

(Although some people like to add Military Intelligence or Corporate Intelligence, too!)

[gini]

Daddy, how was I born?



DAD SAYS:



Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed

to a download from my hard drive.



As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither

one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late

to hit the delete button,nine months later a blessed

little Popup appeared and said:



You've Got Male!

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

Two drunks enter a hotel late at night. They approach the night-
clerk, and one of them says: "Could you pleash give ush a bed with
two rooms?" "You mean a room with two beds?" asks the
clerk. "Whatever, whatever you shay."

So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their
room. After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their
door open. As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and
they are in total darkness. They go forward slowly, and both fall on
the bed closest to the door.

"Ahh," says one, "Now we can get some sleep at last." As they try to
rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone
in their bed.

"Hey! There's somebody in my bed!" says one of them.

"There's somebody in my bed too!" says the other.

"Let's get rid of them. We paid for this room and we're going to
sleep in the beds!" says the first.

They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until
eventually one of them throws the other on the floor.

"ALL RIGHT!!" he shouts, "I've thrown mine off the bed."

"You're lucky," says the other, "I got thrown off and I'm too tired
to fight any more."

"Well, never mind," says the first, "Why don't you just come and
share my bed. Let's get some sleep round here."