joke thread

[Miss Meow]

Stopping the Weapons of Math Deduction

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."

[captain]

Kindly sent to me by Miss DeliDog

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening ? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the hell's that on the balcony with Dave?"

[Randi]

A fire at the Whitehouse has destroyed the President's personal library. A presidential spokesman said that the President is devestated as both books were derstroyed, and he hadn't finished colouring the second one....

[joanofark]

I don't know if this has been posted or not but I will give it a try!

A teacher asked this little kindergarten girl
"What is the first letter of the alphabet?" She didn't know the answer. Her teacher told her that her homework is to find out what the first letter of the alphabet is. So she goes home and she asked her big sister who was doing her own homework,
"What is the first letter of the alphabet?" The little girl asked.
"SHUT UP!" Her sister yelled.
"Okay!" the girl said to herself. Then she goes and asks her mom who was talking on the phone,
"What is the first letter of the alphabet?"
" Yeah, okay" Her mom answered.
"Okay the girl said to herself. The she goes and asks her dad who was watching the foot ball game on TV,
" YES! Touch down 49!" her dad answered.
" Okay" the girl said to herself" then she goes to her grandpa who was cooking buns,
" What is the first letter of the alphabet?" she asked her grandpa. All of a sudden the smoke alarm goes off!
"MY BUNS ARE BURNING! MY BUNS ARE BURNING!" Grandpa screams.
"Okay" the little girl says to herself. The next day her teacher asked her,
" What is the first letter of the alphabet?"
"SHUT UP!" The girl screams.
"Do you want to go to the principals office?" her teacher asked her.
"Yeah, okay" She answers. So when she got to the principals office he asked her,
"How many spankings do you want?"
" YES! touch down 49!" she said. SO she gets 49 spankings and then she says,
"MY BUNS ARE BURNING! MY BUNS ARE BURNING!"

[amoore]

joanofark, That was so funny! Thank you for the laugh!

[AmberLee]

CHILDREN SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS, EVEN IN CHURCH

1. A little boy was in a relative's Wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went-step, step, ROAR; step, step, ROAR; all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

2. One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle. On his way out just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

3. One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash
baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

4. A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a
better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

5. A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on their way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are
sleeping."

6. The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

7. Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

8. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked,"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old." He replied.

9. A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or King James Virgin?"

10. I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, The
Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

11. A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

12. A Sunday School class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

[ChrisH]

Thanks AmberLee, I was LOL all the way through them!

[captain]

OMGoodness .............. too funny!

[Steffi N]

My sister in Ohio sent me these.

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry



1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people
to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone
amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

*****************

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[popcornbird]

Its been 2 years and 2 months since the day this thread was created, and it still continues to pop up on Page 1!!! WOW!!!

That was too funny Steffi!

[amoore]

I am glad this is still going! Great to have some humor in a major serious world! Great Idea!

Steffi, I loved all of those! I found one that i should have read a long time ago! lol
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.

[AmberLee]

There will be no nursing home in my future.........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have
breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An
extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship
they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

This was sent to me by a friend. Thought you all would enjoy it, too.

[gini]

Pauline, this sounds great to me........can we bring our cats?

How about a Pet Talk Cruise liner?

[AvaJoy]

Here is a "blonde" joke:

Two blondes are sitting outside enjoying a lovely evening with a full moon shining. One asks the other "Which do you think is closer, the moon or Florida?"

The other blonde rolls her eyes and replies, "Duhhh! You can't even SEE Florida from here!"

[AmberLee]

Originally posted by gini
Pauline, this sounds great to me........can we bring our cats?

How about a Pet Talk Cruise liner?

WooHoo!!! I am SO there if we could!