joke thread

[ChrisH]

Good ones! thanks.

[Randi]

101 Ways to be annoying.

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual
massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in
public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your
pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder
to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food,
and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,
17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car
windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to
keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU
think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part
of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue
your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the
listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything
they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers
and "cc:" them to your boss. 23. Make beeping noises
when a large person backs up. 24. Invent nonsense computer
jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to
avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard,
and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance
with prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences,
producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll
be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your
hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink
cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in
a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers
while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are
green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI
copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
"croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every
show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic
parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute
whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of
someone's roadmaps. 60. Inform everyone you meet of your
personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson
conspiracy theories. 61. Repeat the following conversation
a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind,
its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for
their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman
smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to
it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by
tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done,
announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the
cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent.
If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the
curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big
one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain
lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the
Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a
parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of
day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great
glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a
Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing
cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens
that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the
faster speed is necessary because of your "superior
mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant
"swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary
friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't
rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then
scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic
picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan"
people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

[bisi.cat]

[bisi.cat]

[bisi.cat]

...another one on cats...

[bisi.cat]

...last one...

[Former User]

[Former User]

cute!

[Former User]

[Former User]

[Toby's Mommy]

I have a few blonde jokes here are some of them. No Offense to the blondes!!
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...
She called me to get my phone number, She spent 20 min. looking at the orange juice box because it said "Concentrate",
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind,
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order,
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it, She tried to drown a fish,
She thought a quarterback was a refund, She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death,
She triped over a cordless phone, She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept,
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store,
She studied for a blood test, She thought MeowMix was a mixed CD for Cats,
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "air port left" she turned around and went home,
I hope you all liked my jokes!!

[Pam]

Just got these today in an e-mail.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

[Miss Meow]

> 1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
>
> 2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
>
> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
>
> 4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
>
> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
>
> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband and that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
>
> 8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
>
> 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .what? .... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
> 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
>

[Miss Meow]

A woman stands looking in the bedroom mirror for what seems like an eternity and then turns to her husband who is sitting behind her.

She says - " I'm horrible and fat and ugly !!! Pay me a compliment to cheer me up "

He says - " Your eyesight's spot on "

[captain]

Miss Meow, I Love this one ........... I got it a few months ago, and it makes me ROTFL everytime ..

Originally quoted by Miss Meow
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.