joke thread

[Bathsheba069]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, “it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.” He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it’s hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin’ the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done."

[AmericanSaddlebredLover]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

[gini]

The Top Ten things that men know about women.........

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

[apcrs5122]

Originally posted by AmericanSaddlebredLover
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

Hey now! I'm a blonde, and I ride horses! Very well at that too. LOL

[anna_66]

10 reasons why God created Eve.

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's
appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy anew one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the No. 1 reason of all,
[Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.]
God stepped back,
looked at Adam,
and declared:
"I can do better than that"

[gini]

A blonde walks into a curtain store and tells the salesman that she would like a pink curtain the size of her computer screen.

The salesman snickers and says, "lady, computers don't need curtains."

The blonde replies, "hellllooo, I have WINDOWS."

[Airedalekisses]

a farmer in milking a cow and the poor cow is being bothered by flies in her ears, no matter what the cow does the flies keep bothering her-the farmer is unaware of this and just keeps milking all of a sudden the farmer sees some flies in the milk bucket-just as he thought in one ear and out the udder.

[Edwina's Secretary]

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the
evening. They turned on
a night light, turned the answering machine on the
phone line, covered their
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a
taxi. The taxi arrived and
the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put
out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don't want the cat shut in the house because
"she" always tries to eat
the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the
husband goes inside to get
the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot
pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house
will be empty. She
explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be
out soon. "He's just
going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so
long," he says, as they drive away.
"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke
her with a coat hanger
to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her
out into the back yard!"

[ChrisH]

Good one Sara!!

[captain]

ROTFL

Too funny .......... hee, hee ..................

[Former User]

[Former User]

[Former User]

Poor cat

[Former User]

I love this one

[Former User]

Makes you smile, doesn't it?