joke thread

[Randi]

These are from a set of kids junior cert. exams (honours!)

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium,the
borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium
contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls,
of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a
flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon
monoxide."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not
found in a free state."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first
inspiration,and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is
even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to
the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on
them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more
than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they
look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection
against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part
of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have
been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat
to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines,
eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.
All water tends toward the moon, because there is no
water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I
forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the
more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth
through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going
away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the
blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over
the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the
body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up
and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady,
rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head
between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If
he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until
the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose
until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

[anna_66]

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and
his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important to
each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's
favorite flower?" David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently
and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

[Edwina's Secretary]

BLONDE COOKBOOK
>>
>> Or someone who just can't cook....
>>
>> MONDAY:
>> It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The
>>recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough
>>to loan me some extra bowls.
>>
>> TUESDAY:
>> Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
>>dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a
>>friend home for supper.
>>
>> WEDNESDAY:
>> A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before
>>steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath
>>anyway. I can't say it
>> improved the rice any.
>>
>> THURSDAY:
>> Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said
>>prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before
>>serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
>>
>> FRIDAY:
>> I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients
>>in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this
>>recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
>>
>> SATURDAY:
>> Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked
>>me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps
>>counting to ten.
>>
>> SUNDAY:
>> Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I
>>had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the
>>hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came
>>out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
>>
>> GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am
>>eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If
>>I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
>>him with Chocolate Moose.

[Sara luvs her Tinky]

Children's sayings

"GIVE ME A SENTENCE ABOUT A PUBLIC SERVANT," SAID A TEACHER. THE SMALL BOY WROTE: "THE FIREMAN CAME DOWN THE LADDER PREGNANT." THE TEACHER TOOK THE LAD ASIDE TO CORRECT HIM. "DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT PREGNANT MEANS?" SHE ASKED. "SURE," SAID THE YOUNG BOY CONFIDENTLY. "MEANS CARRYING A CHILD."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A GRANDMOTHER WAS SURPRISED BY HER 7 YEAR OLD GRANDSON ONE MORNING. HE HAD MADE HER COFFEE. SHE DRANK WHAT WAS THE WORST CUP OF COFFEE IN HER LIFE.. WHEN SHE GOT TO THE BOTTOM, THERE WERE THREE OF THOSE LITTLE GREEN ARMY MEN IN THE CUP. SHE SAID, HONEY, WHAT ARE THE ARMY MEN DOING IN MY COFFEE?" HER GRANDSON SAID, "GRANDMA, IT SAYS ON TV- "THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP IS SOLDIERS IN YOUR CUP!'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
AN EXASPERATED MOTHER, WHOSE SON WAS ALWAYS GETTING INTO MISCHIEF, FINALLY ASKED HIM, "HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO GET INTO HEAVEN?" THE BOY THOUGHT IT OVER AND SAID, "WELL, I'LL JUST RUN IN AND OUT AND IN AND OUT AND KEEP SLAMMING THE DOOR UNTIL ST. PETER SAYS, 'FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, JIMMY, COME IN OR STAY OUT.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
A NURSERY SCHOOL TEACHER WAS DELIVERING A STATION WAGON FULL OF KIDS HOME ONE DAY WHEN A FIRE TRUCK ZOOMED PAST. SITTING IN THE FRONT SEAT OF THE FIRE TRUCK WAS A DALMATIAN DOG. THE CHILDREN STARTED DISCUSSING THE DOG'S DUTIES. "THEY USE HIM TO KEEP CROWDS BACK," SAID ONE YOUNGSTER. "NO," SAID ANOTHER, "HE'S JUST FOR GOOD LUCK." A THIRD CHILD BROUGHT THE ARGUMENT TO A CLOSE. "THEY USE THE DOGS," SHE SAID FIRMLY, "TO FIND THE
FIRE HYDRANT."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
LITTLE JOHNNY WATCHED, FASCINATED, AS HIS MOTHER SMOOTHED COLD CREAM ON HER FACE. "WHY DO YOU DO THAT, MOMMY?" HE ASKED. "TO MAKE MYSELF BEAUTIFUL," SAID HIS MOTHER, WHO THEN BEGAN REMOVING THE CREAM WITH A TISSUE. "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" ASKED LITTLE JOHNNY. "GIVING UP?"

[Miss Meow]

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...

If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the
bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for
granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work
slowly,

boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is
it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it
out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how come Mom isn't Mop?

[anna_66]

Good one Nicole

[Airedalekisses]

there once was a dog named Mace! Mace was a fantastic dog but he had one bad habit-grass eating. no not just a bit-he rivaled the best lawnmower. one day Mace's dad was working on his car in the unmowed backyard and lost an expensive tool, well it was getting dark so he thought he would wait until morning to look for the tool. During the night Mace went in the back yard and ate all of the grass. The next morning the owner found his tool in the short grass and called to his doggy to give him a nice pat, Ah, a grazing Mace, how sweet the hound who saved a wrench for me.

I heard those groans!!

[Bathsheba069]

A man was walking along the beach when he came upon an old bottle. Rubbing the dirt off to see the design, a genie came out. "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle," said the genie, "for that, I will give you a wish."

The man was amazed. For a long while he thought about what he'd always wanted. Finally, he said, "I would like you to build me a road to Hawaii because I've always wanted to go there but I don't like to fly and I don't like boats."

"Gosh," the genie said, "that's an awfully tall order. Isn't there something else you'd rather have?" The man thought for a while longer.

"Well," he said, "I've never understood women. I'd like you to explain women to me."

The genie replied, "Would you like a two- or four-lane highway?"

[Bathsheba069]

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic." Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.

For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as... "Sinko de Mayo"


(Hope I didn't offend anyone! )

[Bathsheba069]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He just knew what it was. "Oh my", he shuddered, “it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.” He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it’s hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin’ the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard one last "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done."

[AmericanSaddlebredLover]

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

[gini]

The Top Ten things that men know about women.........

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

[apcrs5122]

Originally posted by AmericanSaddlebredLover
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune...

...the Wal-Mart manager runs out and unplugs the horse.

Hey now! I'm a blonde, and I ride horses! Very well at that too. LOL

[anna_66]

10 reasons why God created Eve.

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.

9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's
appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy anew one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. And the No. 1 reason of all,
[Tada, drum roll, fanfare, etc.]
God stepped back,
looked at Adam,
and declared:
"I can do better than that"

[gini]

A blonde walks into a curtain store and tells the salesman that she would like a pink curtain the size of her computer screen.

The salesman snickers and says, "lady, computers don't need curtains."

The blonde replies, "hellllooo, I have WINDOWS."