joke thread

[ChrisH]

A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," his wife replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CI about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him for $10?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Think About It

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.

Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.

Have A Good Weekend...

Signs seen on church property

"No God -- No Peace. Know God -- Know Peace."

"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message, "We are open on Sundays, too."

"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!"

"People are like tea bags -- you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."

"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"

"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."

"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."

"How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?"

"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

[Miss Meow]

Reminds me of a local church that proclaims every Christmas: JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!

[slleipnir]

Originally posted by Miss Meow
Reminds me of a local church that proclaims every Christmas: JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!

lol..like that sign we have up ALL year round here that says that lmao...so appearintly he's the reason for EVERY season..something to keep in mind..

[Pam]

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.

The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, your husband's results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mrs. Ward asked, "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[Dogz]

What do you call a sick German Shepherd?

A Germy Shepherd

[Miss Meow]

No animals were harmed in the forwarding of this joke ...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy; "Dat's Dem". The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help.


"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere", says Mick. "Put dem in a pepper bag".

The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave. They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop.

"Dis looks loike a grand place", says Mick.

He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by 'Splat'.

As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock Dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin dangerous for me..."

Part Two
A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar 'pepper bag'. He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.

Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' that parrotshooting oider..."

Part Three
After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting- and now you fockin' hen gliding....."

[captain]

Miss Meow - FABULOUS!!!!

[Miss Meow]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals, he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closer. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the athesist cried out, "Oh my God."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

Even the river stopped moviing.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian, now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice..

The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest returned.

And then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke.

"Lord, for this food, which I am about to receive, I am
truly thankful. Amen

[captain]

[KRISTEN14]

There was a man and his wife who after 20 years of mariage had no kids. They finally managed to get pregnate but it was only partlt suessful, Because it was only a head. But they loved the head and cared for it and spoiled it. One day the head saw a bunch of other kids playing baseball and it wanted to play to. So lightning struck it and all of a sudden it had a whole body. It was so excited that it ran into the street and was hit by a greyhound bus.


The moral is; quit while your ahead.

[HoRsELUvR]

lol Here's one:
Britney Spears, Shaggy, and the Baha Men are all in a room and someone farts.The Baha Men say, "Who let the fart out?"Shaggy says,"It wasn't me".Britney Spears says,"Oops I did it again".The next day, they are all in a room and the same thing happens.The Baha Men say, "Who let the fart out?"Shaggy says,"It wasn't me".Britney Spears says,"Stronger than yesterday".(This is funny if you know her songs)

[popcornbird]

Here are two jokes that I came across, but before that, do you all realize this thread has been up for a whole year? It was one of my first threads.

Bilingual Parrot

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot
with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to
it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string
he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German,"
replies the shop keeper.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper
inquires.

"I fall off my perch, you idiot!!" screeches the parrot.





Parrot Auction

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He
kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and
higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended,
he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure
hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for
it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think
kept bidding against you?"

[anna_66]

Originally posted by popcornbird
do you all realize this thread has been up for a whole year? It was one of my first threads.

And I'm so glad you started it, we could all use a laugh every now & then

[ChrisH]

Good Garfield one Anna!!

Originally posted by anna_66
And I'm so glad you started it, we could all use a laugh every now & then

I so agree, thanks Popcornbird!