joke thread

[anna_66]

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. ! "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

[Tanya&Fritz]

EIGHTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 55 YEARS TO LEARN
By: Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

13. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

14. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

15. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

16. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.

17. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

[Edwina's Secretary]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his
stuff.


As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists
who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement
was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch
from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[Tanya&Fritz]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds, because the last one is
classic :

Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .............................bug is close.
It's always darkest before...............Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of...termites.
You can lead a horse to water but....how?
Don't bite the hand that...................looks dirty.
No news is.....................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.....................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new........math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.................................me.
The pen is mightier than the............pigs.
An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's...........pollution.
Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is.............................not much.
Two's company, three's...................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what........you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.................. you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as...............Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed..............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.......get out of the way.

And the favorite:

Better late than............................pregnant!!!

[RockyRoad]

Well there is a topic about Michael Jackson going around, so I've got a M.J. joke for ya.

Once a little boy asked his father about God. He said, "Dad, is God black or white?" The father replied, "Both." Then they boy asked, "Is God a woman or a man?" The father replied, "Both." Then they boy asked, "Dad, is God Michael Jackson?"

LOL!

**Of course sorry if I offended anyone in any way with this joke, I thought it was pretty funny.**

[anna_66]

I don't know if the rest of you will think this is funny or not, but I used to live in the capitol of North Dakota so I think it is! It's Bismarck.

[RICHARD]

two guys are on their way to vegas.
the passenger tells the driver he has to go potty.
the driver tell him he must wait- the rest stop is ten miles
down the road.
a few minutes later the passenger, again, states he has to go potty.......

number 1 or two?

"number 2', the says......

"you can't wait?", NO I CAN'T WAIT!!

the driver spies the only tree in the desert.......he pulls over and tells the passenger to run out to the tree and take care of business....the passenger opens the door, walks about 15 feet, turns around and tells the driver, "i have no toilet paper..."
the driver tells the passenger that he has no paper either....that he may want to use a dollar.

the passenger thinks a second and goes on his way...

a few minutes later the passenger appears from behind the tree
vigorously waving his hand as he walks up to the car..

when he reaches the car the driver notices that the passenger's
hand is soiled. the driver then asks him "what happened? your hand is dirty!!!!!, i thought i told you to use a dollar?"

the passenger says, "i did! the first three quarters worked, but when i got to the dimes and nickel......."

[AvaJoy]

Originally posted by anna_66

I don't know if the rest of you will think this is funny or not, but I used to live in the capitol of North Dakota so I think it is! It's Bismarck.

Anna, I laughed out loud at work today when I read this comic! And I know nothing about the Dakotas, except that they are cold! Gotta be a classic Garfield!

[ChrisH]

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"

"Snow."

[RICHARD]

Rockin' Robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find
some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed
ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they
could eat no more.

"I m so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said
the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had
fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

[RICHARD]

jon gruden, tampa bay coach, stumbles into a bar.

he's very drunk and the other patron's notice him quite quickly.

as he begins to interact with the patrons on either side of the
stool he's sitting on a voice from the back yells, "jon, where are your buccaneers?"

jon stares into space for a moment and yells back, "on the sides of my buckin' head..."

[anna_66]

Good ones Richard!!

[anna_66]

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's
office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a
woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed
like that?" I asked her.

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to
embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting
school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

[RICHARD]

waiting for an elevator with a doctor one day, at duke university......
we start to exchange pleasantries when the doors to the
elevator open, the doctor, who's closest to the door,
sticks his head between the closing doors....
we enter the cab and the doctor asked me where i'm going.
i tell him the floor number and after a few seconds of silence, ask him why he stuck his head between the closing doors....


"i need my hands to operate......"

[RICHARD]

two women on a jet begin to chat about their travels.
the first woman is absolutely tickled when she finds out
her seat mate is from california....
she begins to compliment her on the state, it's people and the towns.
the second woman asks her where in the state she's been.

"all over- but i LOVED san joe say!!"

the california women chuckles and says, "you mean san jose....
in california we pronounce the letter 'j' as an 'h'....."
she then asks when she visited san jose....

the first women thinks for a moment and says "Hune and Huly of last year......"