joke thread

[ellensy]

What a Blonde!

[delidog]

Blonde Laughing!!!!

[Randi]

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2002 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis:Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect:The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[anna_66]

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the 2003
Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella
Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued
McDonalds.

That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely
successful lawsuits in the United States for last year. Actually,
joint awards should be given to the plaintiff attorneys and the
flaming idiots on the juries who awarded anything at all to these
morons--who deserved NOTHING!!!!

The following are this year's candidates:

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a
jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler
who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store
were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering th! e
misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel
of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he
had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to
get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was
malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in
the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he
found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish.
The jury agreed, to the tune of $500,000.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next
door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's
fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt
the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr.
Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

[anna_66]

Arkansas Medicine

An Israeli doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor says "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks."

The Arkansas doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We
recently took a man with no brain out of Arkansas, put him in the White
House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work."

[anna_66]

If Operating Systems Were Airlines

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-2005. Maybe longer

[LoudLou]

The Top 9 Signs You're Spoiling Your Pet


9> The goldfish have limo service from their castle to their
sunken treasure.

8> You hire a Kitty Groomer? No problem.
Kitty Psychiatrist? Getting warmer.
Kitty Fluffer? Bingo.

7> Once a week, instead of plain ol' fish food sprinkled into the
tank, you treat them to a tablespoon of bacon grease.

6> Your cat is always nice to you.

5> You call in sick when she's asleep on your feet in the morning.

4> He refuses to mount the breeding bitch you bring in until you
warm her up for him.

3> You send him to a private obedience school. In Switzerland.

2> Begging at the dinner table is downright weird for a hamster.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Spoiling Your Pet...

1> You slam three pots of coffee every night because your cat
likes to sleep on a vibrating bed.

[LoudLou]

Talk to the paw
The Top 10 Cat Proverbs


10. Do unto others whatever the hell you want to.

9. The world is your litter box.

8. Always put off until tomorrow anything that interferes with
a nap.

7. Look before you lick.

6. Pride goeth before ... you've got to be friggin' kidding me!

5. You scratch my back.

4. Strike while the feet are bare.

3. When in doubt, wash.

2. If at first you don't succeed, act like you intended to fail.


and the Number 1 Cat Proverb...


1. The way to your owner's heart is through their ankles when
they least expect it.

[LoudLou]

9. The Beagle of Happiness will sniff with delight at your butt.

8. Someone thinks you're the special.

7. The hand that throws the ball does not always let go of
the ball.

6. The lowly cricket is both good tasting and less filling.

5. Nine lives only useful if one is Cat or Buddhist.

4. The path to true enlightenment is at the end of your tail.

3. Marking territory should be your Number One priority.

2. Loose lips lose bones.


and the Number 1 Fortune Cookie Fortune for Pets...


1. A journey of a thousand miles begins with being put
in a crate.

[AmberLee]

ROTFLOL!!! These are CLASSIC!

[apcrs5122]

Originally posted by wolf_Q
I've read a lot of these jokes but not all of them so sorry if I post something that's already been posted...

This one cracked me up.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F
are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for...
It is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...

{B} - Barely there.

{C} - Can't Complain!

{D} - Damn!

{DD} - Double Damn!

{E} - Enormous!

{F} - Fake.

haha funny I love it!

[apcrs5122]

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.

Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

Young Lucas was so much in love with Lisa ; but as he knew her father was rather oldfashioned , he went to talk to him and ask permission to court his daughter ;
- "Mister Fairchild , I am proud to ask the hand of your daughter Lisa !"
- "What?" , shouted the man , "are you nuts" ???
- "May I politely ask what makes you say that, sir ??"
- "My daughter's hand , my daughter's hand .... , if you want her , you will have two take the whole package : it's all or nothing !!!"

Originally posted by apcrs5122
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility.

woohoo , I was laughing for hours .... GOOD ONE !!

And , WELCOME TO PETTALK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Former User]