joke thread

[gini]

Anna, you keep these comin' girl! They are the best!

[ChrisH]

Good ones Anna! Especially the Garfield one And the last one was such a sweet smiley one. Thanks.

Got one myself now. It justs reminds me of what I have been doing this afternoon/evening helping to put together a Captain Hook pirate ship for my grandaughter.

A Parents Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

[anna_66]

Isn't this just the cutest?

[ChrisH]

Awww...that IS cute, and funny too!

[anna_66]

GARFIELD'S 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

[AvaJoy]

LOVE the shopping kitty!! AND the parents' Xmas Eve poem, too!!

This one trips everyone up, but you have to do to someone in person: show them something white and ask "What color is this?" to which they will reply "white". Then ask them "What do cows drink?" and they will invariably reply "Milk!" which of course is wrong; cows drink water!!!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

[ChrisH]

The 12 Rules of Life

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.

7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?

8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.

9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!

10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

11. Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.

And finally... Be really good to everyone. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Positive Side of Life

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier
than the people who have to wait for them?

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Chris. These are too funny.

[Former User]

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush

The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Phillies manager

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
- Brooke Shields

[Former User]

I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
- French ambassador to New Zealand Jacques le Blanc, regarding press coverage of France's nuclear weapons tests in the Pacific

The Internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Senator Bob Dole

"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet"
- Al Gore

[Former User]

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), Convention of the World Future Society in Boston, 1977

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate."
- Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, D.C

"If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure."
- Dan Quayle

[Tanya&Fritz]

Casper & Kitty, those were great

[anna_66]

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[anna_66]

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She tripped over the cordless phone.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
When she heard 90% of all crimes happened around the home, she moved.
Did you hear about the blonde who got an am radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.
What did the blond say when she saw the sign in front of the "YMCA"?
Look, they spelled "MACY'S" wrong!
Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
They're too hard to retrain.
What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle?
A dope ring.
Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can't fit the bottle in the typewriter.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A Golden Retriever.
What is the definition of eternity?
Four blondes at a 4-way stop.
What do you call 5 blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
An air pocket.
What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A whine cellar.
Why do blondes have TGIF on the front of their shirts?
"This goes in front."
What did the blonde say when she looked in a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"
OH SO BLONDE!

[Tanya&Fritz]

A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back. Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy."