joke thread

[Former User]

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the Shell station!

Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road?
A: To invent the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To corrupt the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken IRS representative cross the road?
A: To bankrupt the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.

Q: Why did chicken Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
A: To help the patient find the other side.

Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road?
A: To break on through to the other side.

Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk.

[Former User]

[Former User]

This is cute!

[Former User]

Is the cat big or is the room small

[ellensy]

LOL, Cool pix!

[RockyRoad]

Thanks for the redneck jokes!! I really love them!! I want to print them all out and show them to my friends at work, but it's like 400 pages!! Wow .

[anna_66]

You know you could copy & paste them into notepad or wordpad & make the font any size you want, then it wouldn't be so many pages

[krazyaboutkatz]

Great pics Niina.

[RockyRoad]

Yeah, I'm going to do that. It would be really cool to take to school! I printed out a few, and my friends loved it!

[ChrisH]

Had a couple of funnys in my e-mail today.
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A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual... because he hated the book!"

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Professionalism Test

Read this out loud as fast as you can:
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dummy cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.

[ChrisH]

Okay just found two more!!
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Quote-Of-The-Day:
==================
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.

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ALTHOUGH many men in our rural area have difficulty accepting women's lib, my husband helps with the housework. One day he took over the vacuuming while I went to the store.
The doorbell rang. It was one of his friends, a burly ranch foreman clad in a battered cowboy hat, faded jeans and worn boots. "I was just cleaning," my husband said somewhat abashed, turning off the vacuum.
The rancher looked relieved. "That's all right," he said gruffly, handing my husband a white paper bag. "I'm delivering Avon!"

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[lovemymaltese]

lol, that's too funny. I think that I may have seen one like that before, somethings are different though.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Too funny.

[AmberLee]

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are in it.

[anna_66]

- Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

- Toy Test

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

- Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

- Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

- Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

- Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

- Ingenuity Test

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

- Automobile Test

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!

- Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

- Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

- Final Assignment

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.