joke thread

[AmberLee]

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.

"Property holder?"

"Yes, I am, Your Honour."

"Married or single?"

"Married for twenty years, Your Honour."

"Formed or expressed an opinion?"

With a sigh, "No, not in the last twenty years, Your Honour."

[ellensy]

LOL

[Edwina's Secretary]

There was a man who had worked all
of his life and had saved all of his money
and was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything,
and just before he died, he said to his wife,
"Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my
money and put it in the casket with me.
Because I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart
that when he died, she would put all of the money in the
casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the
casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her
friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box
and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked
the casket down, and they rolled it away. So
her friend said,
"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that
money in there with that man. " She said,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that
I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket
with the man?" " I sure did,"
said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."

[gini]

Sara, although I heard a different version of this joke, it was my father's all time favorite.

Whenever there is a discussion about money and greed, I love to tell the joke.

[lovemymaltese]

light headed patients one was good. thanks!

[krazyaboutkatz]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:
> > > >> >> "God, I have a problem!"
> > > >> >> "What's the problem, Eve?" asks God.
> > > >> >> "God, I know you created me
> > > >> >> and provided this beautiful garden
> > > >> >> and all of these wonderful animals
> > > >> >> and that hilarious comedic snake,
> > > >> >> but I'm just not happy."
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "God, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
> > > >> >> I shall create man for you...
> > > >> >> But this man will be a flaw
ed creature,
> > > >> >> with many bad traits.
> > > >> >> He'll lie, cheat, and be vain glorious;
> > > >> >> all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
> > > >> >> But, on the plus side, he'll be bigger,
> > > >> >> faster, and will like to hunt and kill things.
> > > >> >> He will look silly when he's aroused,
> > > >> >> but since you've been complaining,
> > > >> >> I'll create him in such a way
> > > >> >> that he will satisfy your physical needs.
> > > >> >> He will be witless and will revel in childish things
> > > >> >> like fighting and kicking a ball about.
> > > >> >> He won't be too smart,
> > > >> >> so he'll also need your advice to think properly."
> > > >> >>
&
gt; > > >> >> "Sounds great," says Eve,
> > > >> >> with an ironically raised eyebrow.
> > > >> >> "What's the catch, God?"
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "Well ... you can have him on one condition."
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> "What's that, God?"
> > > >> >> "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant,
> > > >> >> and self-admiring...
> > > >> >> So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> Just remember, it's our little secret...
> > > >> >>
> > > >> >> You know, woman to woman."
> > > >> >>
>
>

[AmberLee]

Great one, KAK!!!

Great Fathers
=============

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the schoolyard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.

The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an
arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"

The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:30!

[lovemymaltese]

ha! I have always like the little johhny jokes.

[Edwina's Secretary]

Oh KAK...I've forwarded the Adam and Eve joke to all my girlfriends! It's great!

[lovemymaltese]

It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

[RockyRoad]

Does anybody have any redneck jokes?

[Pam]

Got this tonight in an e-mail.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship,
> > ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who
> > LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in
> > your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
> > cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
> >
> > Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your
> > hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
> > be at the front door when you get home from work,
> > wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours.
> >
> > Call 555-1212 and ask for Daisy."
> >
> > Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local
> > Humane Society about an 8-week-old black LABRADOR
> > retriever.

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Pam that was too funny.

[AmberLee]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.

As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and cried, "Oh merciful heavens! Am I driving?"

[wolf_Q]

Does anybody have any redneck jokes? I have red hair, and I love to hear redneck jokes!!

For you...

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the
operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says,
"OK, now what?"