joke thread

[Former User]

"Duane, where's your homework?" Miss Malone said sternly to the boy, holding out her hand.
"I don't have it," the boy replied. "My dog ate it."
"Duane, I've been a teacher for twenty years. Do you really expect me to believe that story?"

"I swear it's true!" insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he did eat it!"

[Ann]

LOL @ the deaf one and the homework-eating dog

Great jokes! Glad to see this thread still going strong

[anna_66]

A very religious man wanted to prove his faith in God. So, he tied himself to a pylon in the ocean, with the water up to his chest. As the tide started to come in, a boat came by. The man in the boat said, "Hey, what are you doing? Get in my boat and I will save you." At which time the man said that he had total faith in God and that He would not let him drown. As the water neared his head, another boat came by. The man stopped and said the same thing. To which the near drowning man stated, "I have total faith in my God. He will not let me drown." So, the boat went away. A third boat came by. This boater was frantic, being that the water was lapping at the man's nose. But the response was the same. As the last boat left, the water rose above his head and the man drowned. Walking around Heaven, the man was clearly confused. Then he saw God. "Lord, I had total faith in You. Why would You let me down like that? You made no effort to stop the tide!" At which time God stated, "H! oly Cow, man, what more did you want from Me? I sent you three boats!!!"

[lovemymaltese]

Never say to a Cop...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.
Good job!


5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[lovemymaltese]

The Blond and the Sheep

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[lovemymaltese]

How do you Stop a Skunk Smelling?

Plug its nose!

[lovemymaltese]

There where two snakes in a bar there names were Fred and Eddy.

Fred asked Eddy ''Why do they measure us in inches ''.

Eddy says ''It's because we have no feet''.

[ChrisH]

Polar Bear Father/Son Talk

One afternoon in the Artic, a father polar bear
and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow.
The son polar bear turned to his father and asked,
"Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son,
you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns
to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the
truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No
brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar
bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are
definitely 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear
AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't
think your sparing my feelings if it's not true.
I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"

The father polar bear was distressed by this
continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do
you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing!"

[lovemymaltese]

lol

[anna_66]

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

[Former User]

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

[Former User]

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor

[Former User]

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife." said the man.

[ellensy]

LOL

[gini]

Niina, your jokes are terrific!