joke thread

[Former User]

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

[Former User]

Application to joinna MAFFIA
============================

Whatza Yu Name_____________________ Are Yu Italia or A Foreigner __________
Whatza Yu Hows Numbero_____________ Onna What Streete______________________
Whatza Yu Bagst Hittaman___________ Lonna Collectoor_______________________
Prostitutti________________________

Whatta Yu Doin Wher Yu Now Wurkka_______________ Anything Onna Side______
Wazzauy Evva Inna Beeg Hows________ Iffa so, For Wad Were Yu Nailed________
Shotta Somwan_____ Keednap Somwan_____ Stickem Uppa_____

Yu Wanna Be A Bigga Shotz Sumdaze____ Yu Wanna Stay Inna Banks_______________
Yu Likka Garlic____ Pizza____ Spagetti____ Girls____
Yu No How To Makka Cement Shoes____ Overcoats___ People Disappeer_______
What Kinda Car Yu Drive: Caddy____ Buik____ Linken____ Stolen____
Did Yu See: "The Godfather"____ Da Movie Or Da Reel Tinga____
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We gonna vote on yu application. If yu don pass, boy yu betta forgett da
application. Yu pass, yu gonna get dese thins and yu gonna lik em:

1 Pair dark glasses 1 blach shirt anna white tie
1 Paie cement shuz (Use later, yy foola round) 1 Pair pointie toe shoes
1 8x10 foto Frank Sinatra 1 blach hat wit a wida brim
1 kiss onna moutha (I kissa onna cheeck later if yu foola round)

Doan call us. We gonna calla yu if yu passa da tests. Givva tree names peeple
whata gonna say "Heesa okay":
1.________________ 2.___________________ 3._________________

Sine yu name an two aliases: ________________________________________________

----------------- DONA WRITE NUTTIN BELOW DISSA LINE -----------------------

Family Action:
Okay, givva him/her a try___________ Letta him/her go wit a warning________
Letta him/her go wit a brokken arm___________ Hitta him/her_________________

______________________ __________________________
Okay By Da Boss Okay By Da Bigga Boss

[delidog]

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL

[Rottieluver45]

LOL!!

[AmberLee]

The story is told of a king in Africa who had a close friend with whom he grew up. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation, the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!"

To which the king replied, "No, this is not good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took him to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend.

"You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so, I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "This is good!"

"What do you mean, 'This is good'? How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Good joke AmberLee.

[AmberLee]

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles and lighten your burden."

Boy: "That's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Oh, that's just because we aren't married yet."

>^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^< >^..^<

Thank you. It seems like I've stumbled into several cute jokes recently and I'm glad to be able to share them.

[Former User]

LOL LOL, another good one AmberLee!

[anna_66]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[Former User]

Anna, that's a good one!

A man has to take a business trip overseas so he entrusts his best friend with the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, his friend was to notify him immediately. After about a week with no contact, the businessman received a telegram containing only one sentence.

"The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday."

[anna_66]

Here's an even better one
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 4-year-old daughter was having a great time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears streaming down her face...

I said, "What's wrong honey?"

Dejected, sad and broken, she looked up at me and said -

"Daddy, where's my booger?

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Everyone These are great.

[anna_66]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

[anna_66]

Guess I'm just needing some laughs, here's another I found hysterical


A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."