joke thread

[lovemymaltese]

Highway Juggling

One day a Georgia State patrolman pulled a car over for speeding
about 20 miles from the Florida line on I-95. When the officer asked
the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a
magician and juggler and was on his way to Jacksonville to do a show
that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver that he was fascinated by juggling and
if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't
give him a ticket.

The juggler told him that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead
and didn't have anything to juggle.

The patrolman told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his
car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares and lit
them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the
patrol car and a drunk got out and looked at the show, and then went
to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.

The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the
door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail.....there's no way
in the world that I can pass that test."

[AmberLee]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 loan and The interest, which comes to $25.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $25.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL

[lovemymaltese]

tee he!

[lynnestankard]

amber - rotfl !!!!

lynne

[Pam]

Got this in an e-mail tonight.

The Mood Ring ===
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

[lovemymaltese]

This guy was lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box for a house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So the man asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. The man waited a few minutes and,
desperate for a response, he asked the centipede again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a
few minutes more. The man decided to ask the centipede one more time, this time pressing his face against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" Finally, came a little voice from inside the box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"

[delidog]

Dead Rabbit



A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out across
the middle of the road. He swerves
to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the little rabbit jumps right in front
of the car.



The driver, a sensitive man as well
as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of
the rabbit.



Much to his dismay, the rabbit is
dead. The driver feels so awful that
he begins to cry.



A beautiful blonde woman driving
down the highway sees the man
crying on the side of a road and
pulls over.



She steps out of the car and asks
him what's wrong. "I feel terrible,"
he explains, "I accidentally hit this
rabbit and killed it."



The blonde says, "Don't worry." She
runs to her car and pulls out a spray
can. She walks over to the limp,
dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays
the contents onto the rabbit.



The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw
at the two of them and hops off down
the road. Ten feet away the rabbit
stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10
feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats
this again and again and again, until
he hops out of sight.



The man is astonished. He runs over
to the woman and demands, "What is
in that can? What did you spray on
that rabbit?"



The woman turns the can around so
the man can read the label. It says:



(Are you ready for this?)







(Are you sure?)



























(This is bad!)



























(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line.)































(You know you're gonna be sorry.)































(Last chance.)























(OK, here it is.)




















It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to
dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[lovemymaltese]

A baboon walks into a bar, and orders a milkshake. The bartender stops cleaning the counter, and stares.

The baboon repeats the order and hands him a ten dollar bill, so the bartender slyly hands the baboon his milkshake.

While the baboon drank his milkshake, the bartender was thinking, "What would a baboon know of money?" So, when the baboon finished, the bartender handed the baboon one dollar change, thinking the baboon wouldn't know better, and pass this by.

So as to make small talk, the bartender said, "We don't get many baboons in here...", to which the baboon said, "Well, at nine dollars a milkshake, it's not surprising!"

[krazyaboutkatz]

[lovemymaltese]

I just got to read the mood ring one, what a riot. Ha!

[anna_66]

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

[Former User]

AmberLee, that's a good one!

[Former User]

Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years on trouble-free service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.

Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE!

YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?

AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT???

WE MIGHT JUST AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

[Former User]

An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.