joke thread

[captain]

I received this today, and have received them before ..... but thought I would share

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

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2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

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3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

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5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

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9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is it considered a hostage situation?

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0. Is there another word for synonym?

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11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

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12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

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13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

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14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

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15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

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16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

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17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

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18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

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19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

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20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

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21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

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23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

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24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

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26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

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27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

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28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

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29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

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30. Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids" instead of "a$$teroids"?

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31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

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32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

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33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

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34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

[vinjashira]

Don't feel stupid about using your computer - read on. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

10. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard.

The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

13.
Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Now, don't you feel better about your skill level?

[Dorothy39]

I sure did enjoy reading the joke thread at Pet Talk,.Glad someone started it.

I'll be back with a joke or two to share .

Laughter is the worlds best medicine!!!!!!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL Sara! Too funny!

[Former User]

Nun On The Run
A nun stepped out of the doctor's office, saying her rosary rather loudly as she hurried down the hospital corridor. Another doctor witnessed this, and went to ask her doctor about it.
"Hey, what happened? The nun ran out of her praying her rosary as though it were the end of the world!"
"Oh, I just told her she was pregnant." The first doctor replied.
"Oh my! Is she?"

"No, but it sure cured her hiccups!"

[Ann]

LOL, lovely jokes everyone!! I especially loved the puppy one and the fart one, but all were hilarious!

[Ann]

LOL, that one's really good popcornbird!!

[anna_66]

Funny, Funny jokes this morning!!!! Thanks for the laughs!

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL.Too funny.

[AmberLee]

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Pet Food Help Line

DAYTON, OHIO- Iams pet food company's team of customer service representatives handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls this year:

"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse?"
-- cat owner, Omak, WA

"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?" - cat owner,
Colorado Springs, CO

"Does your dog food help with emancipation?" - dog owner, Lockport, NY

"What should I feed a borderline collie?" - puppy owner, Van Fleck, TX

"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" - cat owner, Chicago, IL

"Is it normal for a dog to shed?" - dog owner, Miami, FL

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" - cat owner, Los Angeles, CA

"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"
- cat owner, Amarillo, TX

"How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams® Chunks dog food?" - Anchorage, AK

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" - pet owner, Ephrata, WA

"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" - dog owner, Flushing, NY

"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" - cat owner, Ontario, Canada

"I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba® Cat Food makes the poop smell better?" - cat owner, Wentzville, MO

"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" - puppy owner, Chico, CA

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?" - cat owner, El Paso, TX

"I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?" - pet owner, North Tonawanda, NY

The Iams Company Manager of Customer Service says, "Although these questions make us smile, they're legitimate calls from concerned pet owners".
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[AmberLee]

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Ten Catmmandments

1) I am the Lord of thy House.
2) Thou shalt have no other pets before Me.
3) Thou shalt never ignore Me.
4) I shall ignore Thou when I feel like it.
5) Thou shalt be grateful that I even give Thou the time of day.
6) Remember My food dish and keep it full.
7) Thou shalt spend most of Thy money on toys and gifts for Me.
8) Thou shalt always have Thy lap ready for Me to curl up in.
9) Thou shalt shower Me with love and attention upon demand.
10)Above all, Thou shalt do anything and everything it takes to keep me happy.
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More "Cat's Rules to Live By." See if some sound like your cat!

All Rules can be broken when you feel like it.
Be astonishingly mysterious.
When in doubt, chase something.
Ignore your mistakes.
Go absolutely berserk for no apparent reason.
If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them "I care."
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Sunday School Lessons

The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the preschool teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."

The children looked at her blankly.

"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."

No response. This wasn't going well at all!

"I'm usually brown or gray, but sometimes I can be black or red."

Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?"

Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus - but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"
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[AmberLee]

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25 THINGS FOR DOGS TO REMEMBER

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the 'fridge or sofa, or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater off of my coat before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead or decaying mammals, fish or fowl just because I like the way they smell.

9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.

10. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

11. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

12. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my owners will think I am hemorrhaging.

13. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

14. Even though we have a doorbell, I will not bark each time I hear one on television.

15. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

16. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

17. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

18. I will not bite the state trooper's hand when he reaches in for Dad's license and car registration.

19. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

20. I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.

21. I will not "roll around in the dirt" after getting a bath.

22. I will not belch or sneeze at my owner while sleeping in their bed.

23. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

24. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

25. The cat is not a squeaky toy... So when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

[slleipnir]

1. PARROT GOES TO CHURCH

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not
much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to
her, and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her
on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem, and that she
could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot, and for the next week spent time getting to
know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she
put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked
around, squawked, and said, "It's damned cold in here!" Everyone
turned to look at her, and the woman ran out of the church in total
embarrassment!

All the next week, she talked to the parrot, explaining the necessity
to remain quiet during church. The parrot understood, so she put him
on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the
parrot squawked, looked around, and loudly proclaimed, "It's damned
cold in here!" Again, the woman ran from the church.

The next day, she returned to the pet store and explained the
embarrassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid
of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution: "If the
parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or
6 times, and return him to your shoulder."

That'll work?" asked the woman.

"Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday, she took the parrot to church and, sure enough,
just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's damned cold in
here!"

Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5
or 6 times, and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his
head, ruffled his feathers, and said, "Pretty f**in' windy, too!"

[NoahsMommy]

Those last two were helarious!!!! Thanks guys!!!

[AmberLee]

Cat fitness really can be fun. However, it is important to start any fitness program only when you feel like it. Don't let a few extra pounds intimidate you into becoming more active. The most important aspect of fitness is: when to start the program. The best time is at about 2 a.m. The house is quiet; there are no distractions. The warm-up is critical. Cats are experts at stretching, so this won't be a problem. Start with a few wind sprints, full speed, toenails clicking on the tile or linoleum floors. A few low but loud growls will help you feel charged up.

Now it is time to add some eye-paw coordination work. Find a marble (the big steelies work even better) and roll that down the floor as the sprints continue. See how many times you can ricochet it off the wallboards before it disappears under the fridge.

Finally, work on that upper body strength. Climbing is a great exercise. Use draperies, macramé plant hangers, or clothing on hangers. You can even find some carpeting on some basement walls. Backs of chairs work well, too.

Now put it all together. A speed sprint to the end of the hall! A race around the living room! Leap to the back of the rocking chair! Let the rebound launch you to the top of the swinging planter! Rock that baby! Feel those muscles work. Just as the hook pulls loose from the ceiling, dash to the bedroom and dive under the covers. Establish your alibi just in time to hear the crash of the plant to the floor below.

Have a good Workout!