joke thread

[Randi]

Rules for Cats Who Have to Run a House ..... continued

15. On Kittenhood

Being a kitten is probably the best time of a cat's life. As a kitten, you can do almost anything and get away with it because, as the humans say, "Aww, (s)he's so cute!" Practice the "butter won't melt in my mouth" Look of Total Innocence now, as it is much more effective than when you are full-grown and "should know better". Even if you are caught in the act of some mischief, the Look can can considerably reduce the scolding, and if mixed with the appropriate amount of fake penitence, get you picked up and cuddled.

Be sure to make full use of all your excess energy by tearing around the house at full speed, attacking anything that moves, climbing the drapes, scooting across tables, counters and shelves, taste-testing plants and cords, and generally driving the humans crazy. When exhausted, flop down anywhere comfortable and sleep. After waking up, eat and continue the fun! You will quickly learn that night-time is the best time for playing because so many things can hide in the shadows.

16. Conclusion

Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

This was the last chapter, hope you enjoyed it!

[anna_66]

There was this tiger that woke up one morning and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger). Anyway, he felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And the poor quaking little monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronted a deer, and bellowed out, "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer shook so hard it could barely speak, but managed to stammer, "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant who was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
Well, the elephant grabbed the tiger with his trunk, picked him up, slammed him down; picked him up again, and shook him until the tiger was just a blur of orange and black and finally threw him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggered to his feet and looked at the elephant and said, "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad."

[NoahsMommy]

Popcornbird,

I've seen this one....its sooooo funny!!! Thanks for making me smile after a really LOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGGG week!

[Puffin83]

[Puffin83]

I'm just here for those weird smilies!

[Rottieluver45]

I have two! Here they are!

Dangerous Mule

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real
peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he
was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of
nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs,
striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to
Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and
spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister
approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and
down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress
was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all
asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"
--------------------------------------------------

The Observant Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep.

Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks:

"Tonto, you dumb-butt, someone has stolen our tent."

[krazyaboutkatz]

LOL

[Aspen and Misty]

LOL..That was so funny!

[anna_66]

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

[Puffin83]

[AdoreMyDogs]

HaaaaaHaaaaa!!!! LOL everyone SOOOOO funny! I wish I was better at jokes, I just don't remember them long enough to share here. I do thoroughlly enjoy reading them, though!

[Rottieluver45]

I have yet ANOTHER one

What is a cat?

- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

What is a dog?

- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to
give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.




Well it`s not THAT funny!

[ChewmonkeyBC]

I got this from a place called Stuipd Laws....and YES these should be true

(I couldnt find the website that i got these from so I cant tell you what state there from,sorry If I get them MIxed up)

IN LOUISANA

YOU CAN NOT TIE AN ALLIGOTAR TO A FIRE HIDERANT.

this should be ture....
i will try to find the
web page ASAP!
-Kayla

[ChewmonkeyBC]

Originally posted by anna_66
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

lol

[Rottieluver45]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front
porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a
fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she
will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be
really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful
princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old
woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome
than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees
weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."


--------------------------------------------------





Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor
peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your stupid cat."






MORE!!!