Guilty by association? (sort of)

**PJ's Mom** · 10-06-2005, 10:59 PM

Kim's "Miserable people" thread got me thinking about this.

If you meet someone who is hard to get along with, whiny, complains a lot, etc, do you automatically think the people closest to that person are the same way?

I'm married to a very negative (miserable) person. He complains all the time, tells me (and others) that we never do anything right, talks down to people, etc. I'm afraid to go anywhere that we might run into people he knows (work events, etc) because I'm afraid people will think I'm just like him, and I'm not.

Do you think the spouses, kids, or parents of someone like that is just like them?

**caseysmom** · 10-06-2005, 11:02 PM

I would just feel bad for you

**AmberLee** · 10-06-2005, 11:47 PM

No, but I've known a lot of "Amys" who are married to non-"Amy" types. I just feel sorry for the non-Amys...

Good luck!

**Killearn Kitties** · 10-07-2005, 04:39 AM

No I can't say I've ever thought that. Wondered how the person at home put up with them maybe

, but never assumed they were the same way.

**Ginger's Mom** · 10-07-2005, 05:56 AM

I think the most common thought/reaction in reference to the spouse is, how do they put up with them. I don't think anybody would think two miserable people could live together, so the assumption is the spouse must be an angel. I remember we had a particularly demanding female co-worker, after working out a deal with one of the men in the office, she smiled at him and said,"you should be glad you aren't married to me." I think that is the general feeling.

**dukedogsmom** · 10-07-2005, 06:03 AM

I have talked to people on the phone at work before where the person on the phone was really nice and there was a jerk mouthing off in the background. I just felt badly for the nice person. I was married to a jerk like that. Key word: WAS!

**kimboe** · 10-07-2005, 08:30 AM

I think that most people are blinded by love that they don't see alot of the bad points in their spouse. That's what I think.

**Jadapit** · 10-07-2005, 08:35 AM

No, I wouldnt think you were like him. I would think "what a jerk" and feel bad for you.

**lvpets2002** · 10-07-2005, 08:40 AM

Oh Dawn I am so sad for you.. I ((HAD)) the same kind of husband & to top that off He would tell you he was always the Perfect One & me & everyone else had problems LOL..

It would just make me so

that 10 years ago we ended the marriage

.. Hey if you need PM me & talk about it..

**petslover** · 10-07-2005, 09:34 AM

I wouldn't think of the person any less, but like others said I would be like I would feel bad for the person. I know nice people married to the most snobby people. I guess the saying that Opposites attract is sometimes true.

**Laura's Babies** · 10-07-2005, 10:17 AM

I always feel so sorry for the families of these people and wonder why in the world they put up with them! Life is TO short to have to live in misery!

My attitude has always been that my life suites me. I live like I do because I like my life and I am happy with it. Then along comes some jerk that wants to point out to me all the things that are wrong with my life???? Hay Dude, I was happy before you came along and the only thing wrong in my life is your sour mouth... BYE-BYE Dude!

**catnapper** · 10-07-2005, 11:21 AM

Dawn, I'm so sorry you feel that way. Hopefully one day he'll wake up and realize he's miserable.

When I'm out and I see someone with a miserable person, I often feel sorry for them.

I ADORE my husband, but sometimes in public... that man can be embarassing! I KNOW people are shaking their heads thinking "why does she put up with that?" and I know it all boils down to insecurity, for whatever reason. Once, we were in the store, looking for nice shirts for our son. He asked me a dozen times what size he was. I said repeatedly "medium". He continued to ask... and the ladies shopping around us were rolling their eyes and stiffling laughs because they heard me answer him every time.... and they were thinking "yup, my husband does the same thing". Apparently HE did not. So he asked again, so I frustratedly said "MEDIUM!" The ladies that were politely stiffling laughs at that point bust out laughing (it WAS funny). He was MORTIFIED that now all these ladies thought he was a fool..... and stormed out of the store. OMG... if he EVER did stuff like that on a full time basis, I'd kill him! In fact, I think I was a moment away from killing him that day. I KNOW all those ladies were thinking what a poor woman I was to have to tolerate a man who would blow up so easily. Believe me, *I* was wondering myself. I've learned over the years that he IS insecure (for whatever reason

) out in public, and I've learned to just ignore his outbursts instead of reacting. I feel like running around telling everyone "he's not like this at home... HONEST!" but I can't.

**grybai** · 10-07-2005, 12:07 PM

No, I don't think anyone would automatically think you were just like your husband. (though to be honest, with children, especially younger children, I often see them as a reflection of their parents even though it may not be the case). However, I do think someone might think there is something wrong with your relationship, that he is emotionally abusive and may think there's something wrong with you that you stay with him. I don't really know your situation, no one else really knows what goes on behind closed doors. However, whether or not you are happy in your relationship, I do think other people will assume that it is a very negative one.

**DJFyrewolf36** · 10-07-2005, 01:07 PM

I feel sorry for nice people who seem to be stuck with miserable people but then again I realize that there has to be some reason why they are with who they are with. My husband can be a real un-diplomatic jerk at times. He's never been good at dealing with places that work like a burocracy and he will fly off the handle if he thinks he's being jerked around. I always joke that the reason he married me is because I have a special talent for dealing with red tape

. I keep him calm and collected, and I'll admit he's gotten better about blowing up at people.

People aren't the same in public as they are behind the closed doors at home, so I try not to assume that a persons actions in public reflect thier true nature. Heck, people chage from day to day and if someone is having a rotten day, why should I assume they are just a miserable pain all the time?

I'm a firm believer in the concept of getting to know people before judging them.

.