I actually wrote this as more of a journaling exercise to gain insight and help me deal with some things, but the more I wrote and read, the more I wondered if it might not hold meaning for someone else out there too... and I felt more and more I wanted to share it. It is a bit long, but perhaps someone out there will find something in it for themselves too.
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God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
Never have words spoken so resoundingly to me throughout my life as these have. My greatest trial, my greatest pitfall, has always been ACCEPTANCE. Acceptance of those things I cannot change. Any unexpected variant to my life, and I am speaking of things that are troublesome or problematic, and I am overtaken by intense anxiety and agitation. At these times, the only thing I can think is, "No, no, no! It can't be this way. I don't want it to be this way, I don't want this to deal with. I want it to be like it was before." Sitting lodged at this impasse, I cannot even begin to tackle the problem at hand because I simply refuse to accept it. I also cannot enjoy anything else around me because my mind is consumed with the problem, and nonacceptance of it.
It is not that I don't try. I am well aware that this is a vice with me and it is something I continually battle. Sometimes, I succeed for awhile, only to have my own mind betray me with a sudden thought or memory of how it was before the problem started, how much easier things were, how I didn't have to worry so much, and wouldn't it be nice if things were still that way?
I'm honest with myself, too. I know this is not something I will ever completely conquer, and to expect that of myself is to put too great a burden on me. I think everyone struggles with this issue to at least some degree, it is human nature to want to always have control of life's happenings. We don't want to deal with medical problems, financial problems, relationship problems, unhappy situations.
It helps to share my burdens with friends, however, I often end up putting this off or trivializing it, because sharing a burden is part of acceptance for me. By talking about it, it makes it real, makes it something I really have to deal with. When they don't know about it yet, it means they act like everything is "normal" when they talk to me and I can pretend it is too.
When I was younger, one time we were supposed to have a huge snowstorm and I was counting on it so that school would be canceled. This wasn't just a kid's fun wish, it was big for me because I was miserable in school, dealing with other kids' cruelty. One girl I had real problems with, her mother was my teacher and also didn't like me, so it was doubly miserable. Well the snow storm ended up not really hitting my area hard, and as I listened to the school cancellations and mine wasn't on it, I completely broke down. I was sobbing and in such incredible emotional angst, I could just not accept that what I was SO SURE would happen, I had even made plans for the day, had not happened. Mom was comforting but not coddling.. And eventually she brought me into the spare bedroom and pointed at a plaque on the wall, telling me to read it. Of course I had seen it plenty of times before, it had been hanging on the wall in our home as long as I could remember. It was the first part of the Serenity Prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
From that day forth, that prayer was a balm to my soul, a reminder, something to cling to when I just felt I could not accept what was going on. I repeat it in my mind, over and over, when things are really hard. It is not about controlling what is happening, it is not saying, "God please make it better, please take this burden away from me." It is asking for the ability accept, and move on. Praying "please take it away" only makes me feel more panicky and despairing, but when I pray for simply peace and acceptance, only in that do I find strength to overcome my anxiety. Another phrase I repeat is a song lyric that has stood out to me for years, saying simply, "Whatever happens will be." That phrase is so very powerful to me, the essence of acceptance. When I say this to myself, I can often then take a deep breath, and open my eyes again to everything around me. I am then often able to gain perspective as well as acceptance, and I have found that acceptance is the true pathway to inner peace.
-Jfrank
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