http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au...E37556,00.html
Canine cannabis will let our party animals off the leash
July 18, 2005
ACCORDING to a recent report in The Australian by Tasmanian correspondent Matthew Denholm, "pampered pooches will soon be salivating for a new doggie treat: an upmarket biscuit made from cannabis seed". A Tasmanian entrepreneur named Ian Rochfort has been granted the first licence to use cannabis in a food product for dogs that he plans to market as "Hemp Hound Hors d'oeuvres."
I'm convinced this must be the result of lobbying by those beagles that work the airports, sniffing out drug smugglers. For years these pooches have been so near, yet so far. Now, in the comfort of their own kennels and with Purple Haze blaring through the sound system, they'll get to mellow out on the strength of a few cookies and find out what all the fuss was about.
Given the form of most cartoon celebrity dogs, you would assume they'd been stoners for years: Scooby-Doo and his best mate Shaggy have been on the bong for ages. How else could they perform those skateboard tricks without the board? Fred Basset either can't or won't follow simple orders; Snoopy has flashbacks to World War I and the Red Baron; and Goofy drives that little car of his as only a hopeless toker could.
On the other hand, some of the classic dog yarns are going to need a bit of a backyard blitz. Lassie Come Home will be rewritten as a plea to a border collie who hangs around pool halls all night, stoned out of his gourd. The Incredible Journey will become the story of three stoned-out pets who manage to make it all the way from their supper dishes to their baskets without falling flat on their faces. And instead of a wolf-pack, White Fang will be rescued from a crack house and successfully domesticated.
Closer to home, my golden labrador, Mipsy, will finally have an opportunity to spend her days stoned. One problem with this development: how on earth am I going to tell? Given the parallels between Mipsy's behaviour now and mine in 1975, it is pretty obvious she's high as a raccoon already:
Mipsy: Frequently consumes the faeces of other dogs. Imre: Frequently consumed the steak sandwich at Twins takeaway in Lygon Street.
Mipsy: Returns to her own vomit. Imre: Returned to his own roaches.
Mipsy: Has a tiny little mind. Imre: Spent 1975 stoned out of his tiny little mind.
Mipsy: Sleeps all day and barks all night. Imre: Slept all day and barked all night.
Mipsy: Can recognise the sound of her master's car when it is still two blocks away. Imre: Could recognise the sound of his dealer's car when it was still two blocks away.
Mipsy: Worms. Imre: Worms.
Mipsy: Is 21 in dog years, and still a virgin. Imre: Was 21 in human years, and still a virgin.
Mipsy: Was once kidnapped, taken to a mysterious place where her reproductive organs were operated on, then allowed to go home. Imre: Claimed he was once kidnapped, taken aboard a mysterious alien craft where his reproductive organs were experimented on, then allowed to go home.
Mipsy: Consumes dinner in 13 seconds. Imre: Once consumed three Mars bars in 13 seconds.
Mipsy: Loves to be driven around town with head hanging out of car window and tongue lolling in breeze. Imre: Loved to be driven around town with head hanging out of window and tongue lolling in breeze.
Mipsy: Is so paranoid she believes she's been abandoned by her family if left at boarding kennel overnight. Imre: Was so paranoid he believed Richard Nixon had implanted electrodes in his brain to control his thought patterns.
Mipsy: Likes to start the day with a tasty "Hemp Hound Hors d'oeuvres" doggie treat. Imre: Wishes it was 1975 again and he could start the day with a tasty "Hemp Hound Hors d'oeuvres" doggie treat.
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