Subject: Letter from the Dog
Dear Master:
The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you
call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face the
facts:
It's time to get rid of the cat.
Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and
stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You
would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the
area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under
the table.
Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually
physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick
her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she
always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.
And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty
pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right?
Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the
cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all
of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying
around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you
get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's
important?
Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in
the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in
the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to
play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to
police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.
I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a
note from the hamster:
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Subject: Cat
Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.
Signed,
Hamster
Department of Rodent Wheels
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I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes
that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV
show.
I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am
far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds
unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis.
And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her
paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell
wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time.
And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come
right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about
it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes
at my expense.
So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete
ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but
now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way
it was, when I was the #1 pet.
Sincerely, The Dog
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