From: Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,
I will no longer serve the States of Georgia,
Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina,
Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, Alabama, West Virginia,
and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the
earth, my contract was Renegotiated by North
American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for
milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm
certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement, who happens to be my
third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is
from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering
toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there
are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1.There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2.Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a
moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke
a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please
have an empty spit can handy.
3.Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.
4.You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen"... when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead,
you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott
and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves
respond, "I her'd dat!"
6.As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on
the back with the words "Back Off."
7.The usual Christmas movie classics such as
"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life"
will not be shown in your negotiated Viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds
as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
And Finally,
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you,
I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the
other way when he bends over to put presents under
the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
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