Weighty topic

[catnapper]

I have struggled with my weight for years - up and down like an elevator since I was 19. My thinnest days saw me in a size 10. I mostly live in a world between a 16 and 22. I currently am working really hard to get back to the 16. I'll honestly be happy if I could just stay there.

Anyway, hubby is over 430 pounds. He is in complete and total denial about what he eats, how much, and when. I can not talk to him about what he eats. It starts major fights. We've talked to he counselor about it and the therapist tells him I'm only concerned about him and mention food so that I can have him around for a long time. He knows I am not judging him.... but emotionally he goes to a place where reason no longer reigns.

This morning I made a completely innocent comment about how I'm working hard on losing weight and how I am proud of myself. He said, "and you think I'm not trying?!" Where exctly did I mention him? He flew into a major hissy fit, complete with pouting.

Why is talking about weight so hard? I myself shut down when people lecture me on what to eat. I especially HATE it if I'm enjoying something and a well meaning person tell me all the evils of the food I decided to eat.

What is your hot botton on weight? Is there a way someone can bring it up without hurting/insulting you? I honestly don't know if there is away someone could bring up my weight without me being over emotional. I know what to do. I've lost the weight many times over. Lost 50-70 pounds at a time. But it always creeps back up. and I do it again. But I do it for myself based on my inner need.... not because anyone else spoke to me.

[Roxyluvsme13]

I think weight is just one of those topics that it's really hard not to offend people when you talk about it... Weight loss is also very hard, and I commend you on your goal to keep trying and keep losing the weight.

It bothers me when people try to tell me "you need to lose weight, you shouldn't be eating that, etc." just because, I'm not going to lose the weight for them, I'd do it for myself. It's a decision you have to make yourself, not one that someone else needs to make for you.

And a lot of people have no idea how hard it is to struggle with weight, and they can't possibly understand, so they think it's okay to bring other people down and tell them they need to lose weight.

Anyway, good luck with your goal weight, and I hope your husband is able to lose some too. He shouldn't be so defensive, maybe you all could work together and lose the weight.

[pomtzu]

I'm not one to have a problem with being overweight, since I am on the opposite end of the scale. I am also not one to lecture anyone about being overweight, but your husband is living very dangerously by carrying that much weight around. A story if I may...........

My son is 42 and was quite overweight. He was always a big eater and a lover of junk food. That, coupled with the hours he works and he most always ate a big dinner quite late, and then got no exercise before going to bed, the pounds piled up. He knew he had to lose because his back and knees were bothering him, he was always tired and wasn't sleeping well, and the pounds wouldn't come off no matter how he adjusted his eating habits. He also suffered from very severe sleep apnea, and was NOT breathing almost as much as he was breathing. Really pretty scary results came back from the sleep study. He wants to be a grandfather some day, so he knew he had to do something, or he'd never live that long.

A year ago he looked into the lap band procedure, and after many months of tests and seminars and psychological and nutritional counseling that is all required before the surgery, he had it done last September. The doctor's goal for his patients is to lose one pound per week in the first year. My son started out at 278 lbs and he's about 5'9". In the first 14 weeks, he lost 51 pounds, and as of a week ago, it was up to 63 pounds that he has shed. He goes back today for another weigh-in/checkup. His knees and back no longer bother him, and he no longer uses the CPAP - and he looks fantastic!!!! He wants to get to about 200 lbs, since he is big boned anyway, and he wouldn't look good weighing much less than that.

So his has been a success story, tho not everyone has such good results. You have to want to lose to make it work - it's no magic pill.

If you have medical insurance and it covers this procedure, you might want to consider it - especially for hubby. Most insurance companies do pay for this procedure now. In the long run, it's saving them money, since a lot of very serious medical issues can be avoided when a person is at a healthy weight.

Good luck

[caseysmom]

I agree about the lapband but also it may be better if your the one doing the cooking to just start gradually cooking healthier meals or suggesting healthier options and inviting hubby for a walk etc. That much weight is pretty dangerous and you do want to keep him around.

[cassiesmom]

My brother did great on Weight Watchers and has kept most of the weight off for over a year. He said he gained about 8 or 10 pounds. I think he lost around 60 or 70 originally though.

I was on Weight Watchers once and did fine while I really stuck to it. Then I quit going and gained all the weight back and more. I am going to try it again because it's either that or a Lap Band. I know 3 people who have had obesity surgery. One is doing well, one has a chronic anemia and the other has malabsorption syndrome (she had a surgical gastric bypass, though- not a Lap Band). I need to lose 100-130 pounds so cross your fingers for me. I love chocolate, bakery, cookies, bread, pasta, and all the stuff I should not be eating.

[BitsyNaceyDog]

It always bothers me to hear people say "You've lost weight! You look great!"... Um, thanks, I guess I didn't look great before just because my weight was up.

[Karen]

Can you just ask him to take walks with you to keep you company, exercise with you and things like that to get him moving more? That might help him, and motivate him more than talking ... Explain that it would be a big help to YOU if he'd walk with you ... so he feels like it's not about him ...

[Cataholic]

Struggling with weight issues stinks. It seems the issues are rarely about the food itself. It is about why we eat, or overeat. Its not about wanting to be healthier, or knowing what is wrong with a bag of BBQ chips (guilty as charged here), it is about not addressing the underlying reasons we eat. For comfort, for stress, for whatever it might be for the person.

Catnapper, you and I both know your husband deciding to get up and go for a walk with you is not going to do much for his weight. 430 is beyond dangerous. Heck, there is a TV show about a 600 pound person (I forget the name). He is a health risk just waiting to explode. Why aren't the doctors addressing this? Why hasn't surgery been suggested? He could walk every day for the next year and it would probably do him more harm than good, all that stress on the joints, and asking the heart to maintain the blood flow.

On one hand, losing weight is as simple an equation as anything else. What goes in has to be less than what your body puts out, to the tune of 3500 calories for each pound you seek to lose. Really, eating 1000 calories of chips or 1000 calories of nutritional food doesn't make much of a difference when you are talking straight calories. One CAN become overweight on healthy food...figuring out WHY one is eating him/herself into an early grave is much more complex.

[Karen]

Catnapper, you and I both know your husband deciding to get up and go for a walk with you is not going to do much for his weight. 430 is beyond dangerous. Heck, there is a TV show about a 600 pound person (I forget the name). He is a health risk just waiting to explode. Why aren't the doctors addressing this? Why hasn't surgery been suggested? He could walk every day for the next year and it would probably do him more harm than good, all that stress on the joints, and asking the heart to maintain the blood flow.

Getting him to go for a walk can help motivate him to want to lose weight in other ways, too. That's why I suggested it. It might be uncomfortable, or out of breath easily, which then brings up "well, if you weigh less ..." It was not meant to imply him going for walks will do the trick, but it could start the ball rolling. Science has determined it is important that you get moving, and stay "in shape" even if you are technically overweight.

[Cataholic]

Catnapper's husband is not technically overweight. He is beyond morbidly obese. Telling him to get up and walk is akin to telling someone with no legs to walk. It is probably very unsafe, and not going to make a hill of beans difference to him. He could walk a full year's worth of walks and probably recognize minimal weight loss, which only adds to his frustration level, his commitment, etc, not to mention possibly places him at increased health risk. I am thinking he probably knows he would feel better/do better at a lighter weight.

430 pounds does not call for a Polly Anna response.

[Karen]

Catnapper's husband is not technically overweight. He is beyond morbidly obese. Telling him to get up and walk is akin to telling someone with no legs to walk. It is probably very unsafe, and not going to make a hill of beans difference to him. He could walk a full year's worth of walks and probably recognize minimal weight loss, which only adds to his frustration level, his commitment, etc, not to mention possibly places him at increased health risk. I am thinking he probably knows he would feel better/do better at a lighter weight.

430 pounds does not call for a Polly Anna response.

I disagree. He can obviously right now walk around his own home. Yes, he is morbidly obese. Yes, were I Kim, I'd make sure my CPR certification is up to date. But doing something - a simple walk, is better than nothing, don't you think?

My sister has had the lap band surgery. It did a great job for her. But she had to go through months of meetings and counseling before they would even do the surgery, and now has to be very precise about what and when she eats. It's not a magic bullet, by any means, and one has to have the proper frame of mind to get that process started, and it seems like right now he's in a bad place. I stand by my suggestion, and do not think it Pollyanna-like.

My sister by the way, is very pleased. At one point she said, "Let's see, by now I have lost ... 110 or - 'Hey! I've lost a whole Diane!" (Our teenage niece, who weighed about that at the time!) And we no longer fear her dropping dead of a heart attack at any moment, as we did for years. I am obese, myself, and need to work on losing weight more.

[Pinot's Mom]

Catnapper, you have a kindred soul here with the weight issues, I tend to the larger side myself. I have lost, at the most, 40 pounds at a time, but I have gained 30 back. I am currently an 18. Weight will probably always be sensitive with me as well. My husband is overweight, but nowhere near yours; he is currently working very hard, exercising and eating better, he's lost about 20 pounds. I should be working out with him - but I'm not.

I'm glad you mentioned counseling exists with you and your husband; that denial of his morbid obesity needs to be addressed. I'm sure there are other issues beyond weight. I wish you both a lot of luck with it and I think as soon as he has a breakthrough in that area he can have a breakthrough with his weight. Try to walk with him, talk with him on those walks, and see where it leads.

Good luck!

[caseysmom]

There was a show about a woman that went from over 700 lbs to now 250 or something like that I can't remember her name but it was about the small steps, small walks, etc mild excercize, one step at a time.

Of course swimming is probably better if possible no stress on the joints etc.

[dab_20]

Many people are extremely sensitive about their weight. I completely understand you mentioning it to your husband, since his weight is now life threatening.

I'm sensitive about my weight. I am overweight, not by much, but it is extremely frustrating because I LOVE food, and I just can't seem to lose any weight because I can't change my habits. My junior year of high school I lost 30 lbs, from 170 to 140. I felt great, I could finally fit in cute clothes without feeling self conscious. I felt energetic, I could run up stairs without getting tired. Since I started college nearly two years ago, I have gained 25 lbs back and it seems to still be creeping up. My fat jeans are now skinny jeans and it's frustrating and depressing.

My fiance does say things to me about what I eat and it pisses me off. I know he means well, but it hurts my feelings! Does he not realize I already HATE the way I look? When he says things like "Why don't we start going to the gym together", or "Why don't we start eating healthier", it makes me less sensitive because he uses the word "we". I don't know why that helps. Not that he needs to lose weight.... he could eat a whole cow and still look great....

I wish luck to you with your weight loss, and I hope your husband realizes he needs to do something about his too. Try to get him to exercise with you and eat better.

[kitten645]

I can relate to the weight issues. I've always been battling it. I did WW years ago and did okay with it. My friend and I just joined again six weeks ago. I have to say I LOVE it. I think it's important to do it with someone and to do the meetings. It makes you accountable to someone other than yourself. It's much easier than counting calories as there are some calories that are better than others. WW takes fiber, fat, protein & carbs and assigns a point value to the food. You can then spend your points each day and some extra ones for the week for special occasions. It's amazing when you are conscience of what you put in your mouth! You can pretty much have anything you want to eat but you have to budget your points. Portions are also a revelation! A normal size portion is generally a cup. A restaurant will generally give you 3-4 servings per any given meal! It's ridiculous.
All that being said, I would never bring up or mention anyone's weight or eating habits. It's a personal thing. I applaud you for trying to save your hubbies life. At least you know you are trying. I lost 60 lbs about 10 years ago. The only thing that got me there was being sick and tired of being sick and tired There's nothing anyone can say or do that will change that. It has to be a decision made by the person themselves. No amount of comments or suggestions will get you there until you get yourself to the point where you're ready to deal with it.
I personally would do anything to avoid surgery, needles etc but that's just me. My suggestion would be to find a friend, get to WW and work on your own weight lose. Maybe if you just tell your husband, you can't have certain things in the house because they are too high in points for YOUR consumption, he'll get inspired and join you. I absolutely know that I'll be counting points for the rest of my life. I just have to be diligent about tracking them and eat mindfully.
Check out WW. They give you a free meeting so you can see if that's the way to go for you.