Getting through the Holidays

[K9karen]

My dad passed away the day before Thanksgiving 2002 and my mom died 3 years ago. I know I'm an adult (however debatable) but I just can't tolerate the Holidays.

My brother is never home, between work and weekends at his girlfriends. John and I either go to our neighbor's or (this year) his son's for Thanksgiving. Such happy families. I'm almost jealous. I miss cooking with my mom (up at 6a to clean the bird), watching parades in our pjs, laughing, and Christmas shopping like 2 madwomen.

I put up some decorations, but it doesn't help the emptiness.
Last Christmas, I spent the day under the covers.

I'm not usually chronically depressed, but up until the New Year I'm so down I can taste the dirt.

There's got to be a way to get through it this year, people!
Any helpful hints?

[RICHARD]

Hey,

My dad passed on Halloween, my birthday is on Nov six and his was Nov 8, on Dec 27 in 01 my gf told me she had pancreatic cancer.

So that leads into my Christmas/New Year's funk.

Try this, instead of focusing on how happy people are around you, make yourself get happy.

Sit down and do something you would have done together as a mom and as a daughter, cook a cake, or do something you remember- get that pity party out of the way and rock on.

Get it over with at the beginning, have a moment, do it up and then get on with the season.

It's not the season or the days that get you down, it's the thought in your head. Another thing to do is to look at the people around you who are in worse shape than you are.

People are losing their homes, jobs, loved ones. My brother gets a bunch of money together- He buys boxes of Cup of Soup, some oranges, what snacks he can get people to kick in for and he goes to downtown El Lay and passes out a little bag with a CoS, orange, a package of cookies around the holidays,

With the bucks that he collects, I pitch in a 10 or 20 spot, he goes to the bulk store, gets some plastic bags and tries to help someone out for a day or two.

Don't forget, try to remember and do something that will make you smile or appreciate what you still have and look forward to. I am sure you could do your parents proud if you did something that would make them smile.

[Kfamr]

I think this thread will come in handy for me as well.


Nicole was the person I always went Christmas shopping with and Papa was the one everyone in the family always went out of their way to get a "big" gift for. Everyone's doing their own thing for Thanksgiving this year, so we wont be doing much for then, like we used to.


All I know is that Mia and my grandma better be ready to be spoiled this year.

[Medusa]

I totally understand how you feel and what I can tell you besides the excellent advice that you've already been given from Richard is to do for others. My mother passed over on Dec. 2 of '92 and the following year my sister passed over on Xmas eve. I had a house full of guests when I got the call about my sister and rather than ruin everyone's Xmas, I kept the news to myself until my guests went home. (She had been through several surgeries for an aortic aneurysm, so the news wasn't unexpected but she had recovered from this surgery and so we all thought that she was going to live.) Plus, although I've been divorced nearly 13 years, I still miss my ex-husband and all of our wonderful Xmases together. His birthday is on New Year's Eve, so that night causes me to reminisce quite a bit, too.

So, of course, as soon as the holidays approach, those memories come back to haunt me, if I let them. It's a conscious decision to not let depression get a grip on me and the way I do it is to help others, invite those who have no place to go on Xmas and/or that have no family. If time and circumstances will one day no longer permit me to do that, then I'll volunteer somewhere because I guarantee you, there is always someone who has it far worse than I do. My first "official" cat rescue was during the holidays, too, and I dubbed Peeka and Boo my Xmas miracles. I also usually have a Gratitude Party in between Thanksgiving and Xmas. It's a lot of fun and gives us all reasons to appreciate what we have, who is in our lives and how good we truly do have it.

Please know that my prayers are w/you and all those who dread the holidays and that I wish everyone peace and blessings. Keep the faythe.

[Maya & Inka's mommy]

I understand very well how you feel!! Years ago I made a thread where I told how my parents turned a sad X-mas into a beautiful family get-together. For those who don't remember, here it is once more:

How my parents turned a sad X-mas into a beautiful festive family get-together.
In december 1951 my oldest little brother Christian died in a terrible accident. His little body was burned in 4th degree on 2/3 of his little body. He died after 3 days of suffering, during Christmas night
Every year the X-mas period was full of sorrow and grief.
Untill one year, they had 3 more kids by then, they decided that it was time to turn X-mas into what it should be: a family get-together, a joyful period.
Since then, we had a Christmas tree every year, X-mas decorations all over the house, midnight Mass, etc... . They learned what the true spirit of Christmas was!!
Every Christmas Evening we always come together, have a festive family dinner, lots of pressies under the tree, carols, etc.. !Every year we have our "Christian moment", where dad or mom tells about our little brother. There are tears everytime, but they are always followed by tears of joy and happiness.
I am so very grateful to my parents for learning us how to give a sad event a meaningful one. .

[Scooter's Mom]

We lost my mom on Dec 23, 2001. Boy, that was hard... Jan 16, 2002 we lost my sister in law. Dec 24, 2002, we lost my husbands uncle. Dec 17, 2005, Grandma Fern. As you can tell, December/January is a very rough month for our family. Losing my mom affected me more than anything. I wasn't ready, even though we expected it. I was only 29, I still needed her. (I could have been 70 and would have still needed her...)

I'm finally starting to do stuff again. I get to spend every other year with my dad (he comes out here)... and I've started doing things that mom would have. It's hard sometimes, but it brings back so many memories that it's worth that little twinge to have the fun/good times brought to the surface.

I will keep you in my thoughts this holiday season. Please know that you're not alone. ((hugs))

Crystal

[4 Dog Mother]

Four years ago at Thanksgiving was when Rob and I began some sort of major conflict. He came home and everything I did was wrong and he kept yelling at me until I kicked him out. It is still very hard getting past all that happened knowing that it led up to his death someway. The Thanksgiving after he died was difficult and I can remember trying to do the crazy day after Christmas shopping by myself because no one wanted to go with me (it was kind of a mom and at least one kid thing to get up at the crazy hour of 5 or 6 and go get a bargain or two and then come home and go back to bed). I got into one of the stores and the crowds and I feel apart and wanted to just sit down behind some display and just zone out.

One of my best friends lost her brother when he was 26 between Christmas and New years - her parents couldn't move past losing him and didn't have a tree or celebrate Christmas or any holiday like they did in the past. It made my friend feel like she and her sister meant nothing - that her brother meant more than them and their children. So I knew I couldn't be like them and have tried hard not to be. I think we still celebrate in pretty much the same way although sometimes it takes all that is in me to decorate and even more so when we go to my mom's for Christmas Dinner and of course Rob isn't there. I usually have to take some time though to go to my room by myself and let the tears flow and then I can go out again and take part. There is no easy way to get through the holidays - like others said you just have to force yourself to do it. If you get on the internet, there are sites that give you suggestions on how to handle grief during the holidays. Just search under grieving during the holidays. Some ideas are good, others don't fit me. While I am Christmas shopping sometimes I find the "perfect" gift for Rob. It's usually a Star Wars toy or book and if it is not too expensive I buy it. It makes me feel Rob is still a part of my life and I know he would laugh knowing I was still trying to find him something he liked.

Oh, the other thing I do each year is that Rob has his own Christmas tree. It's a little table top tree. Over the years, I made or bought the kids ornaments each year. So now I put a tree up with Rob's and somehow it makes me feel better - again knowing that he is still a part of my life and knowing he is grimacing knowing all the silly things I do that he always hated.

[Rachel]

Oh Karen, you know how loved you are from afar. You have been given some thoughtful understanding and advice which I couldn't begin to match, so I'll just add my two cents.

Everyones situation is different so you have to try to find what is going to work for you. You will never be able to replicate what you had with your folks. It has made for wonderful memories which you should cherish, but maybe new traditions and activities can add something to the holidays which will help them to be happy again, if in a different way. Like new clothes and redecorating, change can make life purposeful. You have a zest for people and life. Dig deep to access that innovative and social part of your personality and set out on your journey.

That said, I know how hard it is. It's much easier to say what you think others can do than it is to gear up oneself. But you, my dear, I have so much faith in what you can formulate, even it is just one or two new activities to look forward to and implement.

[zippy-kat]

I time my pity parties. Seriously. I'm allowed 3 minutes of complete melt down then I have to get up and on my way. And you know what? It's REALLY hard to cry for a full 3 minutes. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm trying to cry for the full length of time or the fact that I'm distracted by watching the clock but, whatever it is, it (usually) works.

{{hugs}}

[Catty1]

For those of you that have lost family members, especially children, I do apologize for the following...but it gave me some perspective.

On Tuesday, Remembrance Day, my mom and I went out to the cemetery to put the Christmas bouquet in the vase where my dad and sister are buried. (It's a perpetual care place, so we can't do much in the summer). It's an artificial bouquet that my artistic mom crafted, and it is lovely.

On Tuesday, we did some wandering, which is not usual. I went to the children's section.

It was more like the baby section...the oldest child I found was 2 years of age. Many, many stones had just the birthdate on them...one of sisters had "March 24" followed by "March 25". Some survived a few months. Two others that I saw passed away over Christmas day...one stone said "silently born...".

I told Mom that this did NOT diminish our loss of Darcia two years ago at 48 years of age - but that I could be grateful that we had her as long as we did. I wonder how much more haunted my mom would be if Darcia never got a chance?

Also, I realized that unlike those wee babies, those beloved infants, I could do something about my life - I could act, make choices, feel. I realized my bad days were nothing compared to what those parents feel.

My point here is NOT to negate your losses, Karen, nor anyone else's. But I have several suggestions:

1. Make a gratitude list. Write it out. Write what you are grateful now that you had in Christmases and other occasions of the past.

2. Also - lose expectations of what a particular 'season' is supposed to feel like. I think more people can get depressed (and they do) at holiday times because they are SUPPOSED to be happy. Don't "should" on yourself.

3. Never compare your insides with someone else's outsides. They may be hurting too, and pressuring themselves to "feel happy" when everyone else is "supposed to". Your losses make you uniquely able to reach out to others in the same situation, because you have been there.

Volunteer to help out at a community dinner for the homeless...you will feel more warmth and joy there than you can imagine. And a lot of it will be in your heart.

{{{{hugs}}}}

[K9karen]

OK! Pity Party is OVER! My grief is nuthin', and I now I feel bad that I didn't see the good in my life when I made the thread.

I guess our family ..what's left of it..is a bit disfunctional (of course, I'm the only perfect one! )

I care for my 95 y.o, alert, healthy (now) wonderful uncle and go to his house 5x a week to cook for him. The docs claim I saved his life by taking him home. Know what? I couldn't be happier! He's in great shape and I adore him.

I'm still struggling through my civil case with my wrist, being followed and taped and waiting for a court date. it just pi$$es me off.

Thanks guys! After a lapse of 10 years, I'm gonna make a gazillion chocolate chip cookes from scratch. I'm gonna ask John if we can forgo his son's Xmas party and maybe volunteer this year at a shelter or hospital. If he doesn't want to be away from his kids, I'll do it myself if I can. Oh! Maybe I'll call the SPCA and volunteer (and come home with a pup..Geez)

Thanks for the slap on the head. I realize I'm one of the lucky ones, and damn it! I'm gonna survive and be a trooper!


K9K

[Karen]

Yes, time to start a new holiday tradition of your own! Miss K-Lo told me you should also celebrate by making a whole bunch of doggie-safe cookies, too!

[Scooter's Mom]

Yes, time to start a new holiday tradition of your own! Miss K-Lo told me you should also celebrate by making a whole bunch of doggie-safe cookies, too!

Oooh, we should start a recipe thread just for pet friendly recipes!

[kuhio98]

Time to make some new Holiday traditions.
While they will never be the same as the past. They can be happy and special in their own way.

Years ago we started a Bah-Humbug group. It started when I was sitting around with some co-workers and we were discussing why we hate the holidays. One person's father had left the family on Christmas Eve. One lady's husband announced he was divorcing her and had a pregnant girlfriend during Thanksgiving Dinner. Another told the story of her mother running over her cat on Christmas Day. So, we joined forces and decided to hang out together for Thanksgiving and Christmas. At first we decided to just ignore the holidays. Pretend they weren't happening. We would go out to dinner on Thanksgiving. We almost always had the restaurant to ourselves.

Over time -- after a few holiday seasons -- we created happier memories and Thanksgiving and Christmas get togethers, became happy and joyous.

That was in 1990. We still get together. But now we have 18 years of happier memories and have started new traditions.

Give it a try! Betcha have some friends and/or co-workers who would rather forget the whole thing too. Remember, family doesn't need to a blood relative.

[Ginger's Mom]

I am glad you started this thread, Karen. And I am glad to hear that you have found some strength to start some new traditions. I did volunteer at a church run Thanksgiving for the homeless two years ago, and I loved it. I would love to do it again. It does get tougher as we get older, and our families move away, or even worse, pass away. I have a very strong neighbor who was an only child who never married, and whose parents have both died. She has shown great strength during the holidays, hosting her own dinners for people in her church or in the neighborhood who do not have families with whom to spend their holiday. It inspired me to do the same the last two Christmases. This year my family in Florida was supposed to come up. I was informed this past weekend that because of financial difficulties they will not be coming. Not sure yet if I am going to prepare another big Christmas turkey this year or not. But if I do, you are invited.