Oceans of Commotion

[Freedom]

Well, I have yet again upset the apple cart here at home.

Some of you know, my Dad has diabetes. He does not even attempt to regulate it. For the past 3 years, his diabetes doc has said Dad should NOT be driving. Dad says he will improve, yada yada, and nothing changes.

So last week, at his annual physical, I raised the issue with his primary care doc. She was not aware he still drives. She looked at his log book (where he records his blood glucose levels) and said that there was not one time in the past 8 months when he could have driven. (Well, he WAS driving at times.) She said to take away his keys, and cancel his insurance.

From the doc's, I dropped Dad at the barber's and picked him up an hour later.

This morning, he mentioned driving over to my brother's apartment. I reminded him he can't drive, and I cancelled his insurance last week while he was at the barber's. (I never took his keys). Well, this was NEWS to him!

Brother came over and picked him up, and I will get a phone call to get him. (it is just about 3 miles away, no biggie). Dad is furious! And I have been told to expect further discussion.

It is not easy to parent our parents. Sigh.

[elizabethann]

It sounds like it was something that really needed to be done. I can understand how hard it must be for him and it must have been hard for you to tell him. My heart goes out to you. However, it's nice that you and your family can pitch in and drive him to wherever he needs to go.

My 84 year old Mom fell this weekend and fractured her upper arm. I've had to go to her house yesterday and this morning to help her dress. My Aunt is bringing her to the doctor's today and I just got off the phone with the VNA to see if they can visit her & help her bathe and stuff. But this is killing my Mom because she is VERY independent and she is now realizing that she does in fact need help.

Good luck with your Dad. It is tough being a parent to your parents.

[Catty1]

Has anyone told your dad: "You could have killed someone!" ?

And, "You KNOW if you had looked after yourself and your diabetes, this wouldn't have happened."

Sounds like he is having a tantrum because he KNEW better, and is mad like a kid who didn't get away with doing things HIS way.

Stand your ground - and get the keys. And I hope your brother is onside.

HUGS!

[Freedom]

And I hope your brother is onside.

Thanks both of you.

No, bro does not believe in doctors, thinks they "make things up." There is absolutely nothing wrong with Dad, he does NOT need those 13 pills per day, or that insulin or any of that stuff. So no, he thinks I am wrong to stop the driving and has offered to help Dad GET insurance.

Yes, every one (except my bro) has told Dad all those things, Candace, and a few other things besides.

[Catty1]

Well, your brother obviously inherited this attitude from your dad - this isn't surprising.

And if it turns out Dad is mistaken, then HE is...that's a lot of pride to swallow and ego to deflate!

I hope all the insurance companies have a letter from your dad's doctor! Or will they check with the company that you just cancelled with?

Prayers going out to all!

[jazzcat]

I've been dealing with that same issue with my Dad for almost 5 years now. He started having seizures at the end of 2002 and after extensive tests the dr.s couldn't determine the cause but feel it may be mini strokes so small they don't show up on MRIs. He's on seizure medication to control it but it's difficult keeping him in the correct medication level to prevent seizures. On top of all that he has Dementia and possible early Alzheimer's.

Because my Dad's memory isn't good and he forgets what he is and isn't suppose to do I had his Neurologist write a note on letterhead stating that he was not to drive. I have to bring the note out from time to time to remind Dad. We have taken away the keys so he can't drive and yes, it has caused some major fusses. I usually have to remind Dad that if he hit someone else he could seriously hurt or kill them and I also point out that he would probably lose everything he owns including his house in a law suit. That seems to help him "understand" and get over it for a little while.

I totally agree, it's not easy to parent our parents.

[Alysser]

Sorry this is happening to you, Freedom. It's obvious you are only helping your dad by doing this. Remind him of all the time he probably told you you couldn't go out driving.

[Laura's Babies]

I would notify the DMV and see if they would revoke his drivers permit.

He could wipe out an entire family and end up in prison because he drove knowing he was in this condition and did it anyway.

[Rachel]

No one has mentioned a driver's license. I thought that when a person was medically not fit to drive the doctor would notify the Secretary of State and the license would be revoked. Maybe Dad would take that matter into consideration.

Jazzcat, is it possible to convince your Dad (during a time of lucidity) to sell his car?

[jazzcat]

No one has mentioned a driver's license. I thought that when a person was medically not fit to drive the doctor would notify the Secretary of State and the license would be revoked. Maybe Dad would take that matter into consideration.

Jazzcat, is it possible to convince your Dad (during a time of lucidity) to sell his car?

We have a hired caretaker who helps me care for Dad and she uses his car to take him places. He's lucid a lot of the time, he just doesn't have good enough short term memory to remember. Also, there are no keys in the house so no way for him to drive, we are safe.

As far as I know in our state the dr.s are not required to contact anyone about removal of license. At least non of his dr.s have ever mentioned this. They know he has no access to keys and that the main problem we have to deal with is him arguing that he wants to drive. He only gets that way when his ride to church is out of town and we have to find someone else to take him. I would do it but I live 35-40 miles away.

I just renewed his driver's license this year because he still flies on a plane to visit my brother and he needs the picture ID to do so.

[sasvermont]

My Mom is also dealing with diabetes (was out of control when she was in charge of her diet)....and has been for years. The older generation thought and maybe the current generation too, that if you take pills or shots, you can eat whatever you want. Wrong. Now that my mom is eating a regular diet and taking pills, she is under control. That was not the case while she was living by herself or in assisted living. She is and has been her own worst enemy.

I feel your pain. Believe me. I just don't get it. The amount of stress this situation (out of control diabetes) has created is overwhelming. She could care less. Gotta wonder what people think they are entitled to in life.

The big picture is the scarey one. Once diabetes is out of control, it often impacts on your chances of major league complications, such as strokes (my mom has had three) dementia and high blood pressure, etc. etc. It can leave you in really bad shape.

I wish I had the answers. I don't. I am spending time looking in to nursing homes again, and possibly moving my Mom to one. Her dementia is getting worse and it is really, really taking a toll on me.

I suppose, one day, I may very well be in my Mom's situation. I surely hope not. One never knows.

I hope and pray that we all find our ways through this maze with our parents. Insurance is expensive, healthcare is off the charts and lots of the burden is being put on the family. When trying to work and take care of a parent or two seems impossible, it probably is.

I think the answer is assistance, help, and resources.

(((((((((((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))))))))))

[Donnaj4962]

I just renewed his driver's license this year because he still flies on a plane to visit my brother and he needs the picture ID to do so.

Is there any way that he could have a "State issued Identification" instead of an actual driver's license? That is what many of the seniors I work with have since they can no longer drive. But they need the ID for other things... especially to vote!

On a lighter note.... I had a gentleman call the office one day asking for advice on how to get his Father to quit driving. Despite being told by the doctor that he should no longer drive AND his son selling his car.... the gentleman found a way to still drive! He simply went out and bought a new car! Now THAT is serious determination!

Seems to me that the older we get the more stubborn we get! I am sorry you are going through all of this. Please check with your local Council on Aging to get some suggestions for options in your state.

[jazzcat]

Wow Donna, that is a stubborn man!

Thanks for the tip about the state issued ID. I will check into that.

[krazyaboutkatz]

Freedom, I'm sorry to hear that you're having to go through this. Parents can be very stubborn. Both of my parents are now 70 years old and will be 71 very soon. They both have a lot of health problems and so far they can still both drive but I know that the day will come when they won't be able to do this any more. I just hope that when this time comes that they won't rebel like your father. Good luck.

[Freedom]

Thanks for the support, everyone.

Jazzcat, here in RI it is the DMV who issues the state IDs. Just like for the driver license.

Dad has always been stubborn; AND a procrastinator. (My brother calls him "The Great Procrastinator of our Time.") I am sure he "meant" to stop driving, he just didn't get around to it yet.

I thought the primary doc would ask him for his license, or take some action. At least, that is what the diabetes doc led me to believe. Instead she passed the buck to me. Oh well. All part of the learning curve.

Dad is 80. His sister (age 85) stopped driving, voluntarily, as of Sunday. (It was time to renew the car registration and she decided not to.) I remind him of this. He says, "well, when I get to 85 then." Note to self: Skip THAT argument in future.