I hate this!

[catnapper]

No matter what I do for a certain stepkid, its never enough. I don't know how many ways and times I have to show (or proove) my unconditional love before they "get it". In return for bending over backwards I get animosity and anger. Its never going to change. The animosity is still as raw and fresh as it was in the very beginning.

Being a step parent stinks in the biggest way. If any of you are step parents, you know what I mean.



Just had to vent. I'm sitting here crying over the realization that its NEVER going to change. If what I've done in the past year hasn't changed anything, nothing will

[jackie]

I am sorry you have to go through all of this, the only thing you can do it keep going (or file for divorce ).

I hope things look up for you, and until they do, count your blessing.

[catnapper]

Ah, I love hubby too much. Stupid me for falling for a man with kids! People warned me..... I should have listened. All I can say to people who are dating someone with kids: RUN!

Thats not quite fair. I get along with the youngest fabulously. She's been wonderful. Why couldn't I have 3 kids like her? No, I get one who runs away at 21 years old and refuses to acknowledge I exist. Another who has a kid and doesn't see anything I do for her or her son. I guess it COULD be worse. They could all be drug dealers and thieves and a whole host of other things.

I just hate living where you can could cut the tension with a knife. I found its easier to retreat to my room rather than say or do something to set off fireworks. I don't even spend time online anymore because I just want to hie away in my little room and keep out of trouble.

Thankfully, hubby is furious with the state of his kids this summer. I think he's FINALLY seeing what they are like to me. He's actually never been around this much to actually SEE it. I told him about it but I think he thought I was being dramatic.

[lizbud]

I wish I had some magic words to say to change things for you, but I don't.
Sorry that you are feeling so bad & hope this passes soon.

[Catty1]

Kim, stop bending. It's hard on the joints and you ain't gonna win this one.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Never mind 'winning' his love etc - you need the respect first.

Check this out, ok?

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/StepMomsRRealMoms/

And just one more:

http://www.stepmotherhood.net/

[king2005]

I agree with catty, earn their respect first.

My dad feared the whole stepmother thing, so he refused to date period while my sister & I still need him. I tried to get him to date but he refused. Its been 13yrs & he still wont date anyone. Even though hes 2000km away from my sister & I. He said Cristine is still in school, so she still needs him.

I don't think he'll ever date anyone ever again, because my sister & I will always need him, because hes dad. I'm hoping after grandma passes away (not trying to be Morbid, I love my grandma) & Cristine is out of school, he'll feel like he can meet someone. I know hes lonely because he calls us all the time & hes very family orientated, as thats how he raised me & I'm lonely as heck, so I'm sure after 13yrs, he has to be really lonely.


So no matter which route you go its hard. Atleast you & your husband know your there for the kids, so if something BAD happens your there to help.

Also look at me, I don't get a long with my own mother. I graduated from high school a year early by taking extra classes so I could go to college faster. I disslike my mother to the point I haven't seen, or spoken to her since 2003. So its not just stepparents thats have it hard.

Hope that makes you feel a little bit better.

[kuhio98]

Kim ~ Well, by now you know me... blunt as a bullet, so here's how I'd go about it.

Me: Family meeting. NOW!

Listen up everybody. I love your father. I will always love your father. I'm not auditioning for the part of step-mother. I've already got the job! I'm not leaving. I have proven my love and devotion to you all over the years. I demand respect. You will treat me with common courtesy. If you feel incapable of doing so, you are welcome to find another home. Thank you. Meeting adjourned.

Make sure your statement is about you. Don't point fingers. Don't bring up the time so-and-so did this. Or the time they did that. You are demanding the respect we are all entitled to. Quit trying to prove yourself. You've got nothing to prove. Don't apologize for breathing their air. Their mom took off. (Don't bring her up at all!) You can't make that up to them and you shouldn't try.

You're probably thinking that this sounds harsh. But, to me you are teaching them that they should stand up for themselves and if anyone ever treats them the way they have been treating you, they should demand better or hit the road.

Demand respect. Earning it -- to me -- means that it is up to them to decide. That if you're a good girl and do everything to please them, then one day, if you're lucky, they will decide you passed some test and treat you like a human being. Screw that! You'll spend the rest of your life trying to please other people. Life is too short!

[moosmom]

Kim,

While I can understand your frustration, I really can, I can also give you another side of the coin.

When my Dad hooked up with my stepmother (4 months after my mom passed away), they were inseparable and caused a lot of tension between me and my father. At the time I was only 19 and was stuck babysitting for her youngest daughter Lynn while they went on dates.

After living together for 7 years (he left her once after he found her in bed with another man, figures...) they got married. It was a constant struggle for me and my daughter (his only grandchild) to have a relationship with him. The whole world revolved around her and HER children and grandchildren. My daughter and I were afterthoughts on holidays. My father's way of making up for it was to hand us $20 here and there. It was bad enough that I lost my Mom at such an early age. But to lose my father over something like that was truly unfair. Barbara and I couldn't stand each other and made no bones about it. My Dad and I had a standing "date" every Thursday for lunch at a local tavern after his golf game. I felt like I was cheating . But it was the only way I could talk to my Dad about things that I didn't feel were any of "Bab's" business. It was only after she died (they were together a total of 20 years) that I was finally able to have a decent relationship with Dad, even if it was through his vodka haze.

That's MY side of being a step kid. I was also in a relationship years ago with a guy who had two kids. Would I ever do it again??? HE** no!!! I'm single for the rest of my natural life and loving every minute of it.

Let Grant realize on his own what's going on. I'm sure eventually, if he hasn't already, a light bulb will go on in his head.

(((((HUGS)))))) to you dear friend.

[Laura's Babies]

I agree with kuhio98. The ones that are of age, can treat you better or just GET OUT! That is YOUR home and anyone over legal age would be considered "guests!" in my book.

I have backed away from men I have dated because of their kids behavior. My thinking was the kids were like that because they were allowed to be that way so there was no use in me pointing it out to their father. Behavior I wouldn't tolerate so it was easy to just back out and slam that door...

You husband needs to take a stand in this. He either approves of them treating you like that, or he disapproves. He needs to stand by you and set down the rules for HIS kids.... If he won't stand with you and back you up, it is a loosing battle and you either put up with it or leave...

[Rachel]

I agree with kuhio98. The ones that are of age, can treat you better or just GET OUT! That is YOUR home and anyone over legal age would be considered "guests!" in my book.

.......

You husband needs to take a stand in this. He either approves of them treating you like that, or he disapproves. He needs to stand by you and set down the rules for HIS kids.... If he won't stand with you and back you up, it is a loosing battle and you either put up with it or leave...

Kind of how I see it as well. This needs to be something that you and your husband come to some understanding about between the two of you, then it is pretty much up to him to take a stand with the kids.

[moosmom]

Couldn't have said it better Kuhio!

[catnapper]

Oh Lisa, do you know how many times I've had that family meeting? Too many times in too many different ways of saying the same thing. Its hard when hubby doesn't see a problem and doesn't enforce it.

BUT:
Things are actually happening this summer. For the first time since we're married (it'll be 6 years this coming week) hubby is actually HOME during the summer. No teaching summer school. No taking summer Master's degree classes. No running to this soccer tournament or running to that baseball game. He's home and taking care of Cam. And he's seeing a whole lot of things he never saw before. He's waking up to realize that he's totally disappointed in his kids and that they treat me like crap. He honestly thought I was being melodramatic when I told him stories of what they said/did to me. Now he's seeing that everything I said is true and that his kids have been rotten brats to me. He's having a hard time putting together the image of his perfect kids in his head and the reality of what he's seeing.

And...... the kid in question ran to their friend's house. Their friend's parents were home and told them that they were WAY in the wrong and needed to do some serious apologies. Will they? I don't know. I told hubby it has to be a sincere apology and shown in actions as well as words. I am done and will not do anything more for them until they realize how they treated me.

Now... how I wish I could put in a video recorder in my room to show them sneaking into my room (and at what times ) to steal (I mean Borrow ) my stuff. I complained to him last night how the NEW hair gel I bought two weeks ago was already empty and I only used it maybe 3 times (I alternate hair care products because my hair looks better when I use a different shampoo and gel each day) He said, "Nobody comes into our room" How does he know? He's not there 24/7. Its not the $2 tube of gel that is my issue.... its the sneakiness and lack of respect for my privacy. I can buy gel my the case at Sams Club if dwindling gel was the issue. Its not, and hubby has yet to see that one. Maybe by the end of the summer he will.

[Laura's Babies]

There would be a lock on that bedroom door if that was going on at my house. I know many parents that had/have locks on their bedroom door.

[Catty1]

The lock sounds like a good idea!

Kim - did you check out the links? Even if things are starting to change (and that is GOOD), it might be a good idea to compare notes and read about/hear from women who have been there!

[crow_noir]

*hugs* So sorry.

I just can't relate with the kids like that. I have nothing but love and adoration for my step-father. (I just wish my mom would have left my father sooner... so i could have had a chance at getting to know this guy. To me he's just my mom's new husband. I never lived in the same house with them. He never was a father figure to me. I never got that chance to love him like a dad. ...but i do still care about him and am so happy he's good to my mom.)