Family chaos

[catnapper]

*Sigh* I have for sale one 21 year old son. Free to a good home.

He's been horrible all summer. moody, lazy, selfish. Yet expects us all to bend over backwards to suit his whims. We're being sued for over $3,000 because of him. The court hearing is in two weeks. He has a whole $400 in the bank and he owes over $2500 for school in two weeks.

Yesterday he babysat Cameron for a whole 2 hours. 1.5 of which Cameron was napping. So basically he had a busy one year old for a whole 30 minutes. Hubby came home and asked the poor over worked boy if he could continue to babysit for another half hour so he could finish some yard work.... which by the way was supposed to be done by my son. My son exploded on hubby saying how he spent so many hours babysitting already and how he needed to go for his daily run. If he was so concerned about his daily run he should have gotten up before 9:30 and run before he started babysitting or put Cam in the stroller for a run. Cam would have loved that. Anyway, hubby let it go and let my son go for his run while the yard work remained incomplete.

A few hours go by and sonny boy STILL hadn't done anything except go for his run, take a long shower, and play video games. Hubby asked son if he could clean out the trunk of the car because it was all son's clothes from a week ago, all nice and moldy since they were wet clothes when he put them in the trunk. Son put up an argument against it (well work is a nasty concept). Hubby prevailed and son went to clean the car of his moldy clothes. Then my son dumped all the laundry for ME to clean. Hubby told him not to dump it for me, that there was a washer and dryer in the basement for his use. (yay hubby!) Son REFUSED. Top it off, somewhere in between cleaning out the car, son lost the keys. He refused to look for them.

long story short: son stormed out of the house. He hasn't come back (well, he broke in during the night to steal the laundry *I* washed a few days ago.... the dirty stuff is still sitting on the basement floor) We know where he's staying. The friend is an awesome friend and he stopped by this morning to let us know where son is staying.

I've never seen hubby this mad over our son. Never. I think this is either the wakeup call they BOTH have needed for a while, or this will be the beginning of a huge rift between them.

*sigh* Not really looking for advice since its all out of my hands. Its between son and hubby. Both are bullheaded and won't listen to reason.

[jackmilliesmom]

Hope son's kick in the behind (all metephorically speaking of course) from hubby knocked some sense into him - maybe he will stew for a couple of days and when friend is tired of him he will be back with an apology.....


Hope it goes ok and that you are ok through this

[jackie]

I would say kick him out, but it sounds like that isn't an option.

The only thing I can suggest is not doing anything for him anymore. That includes laundry and meals. If he wants things, he can start doing things in return, he is 21 after all.

[catnapper]

Ah, but my son is now officially kicked out. Hubby told the friend our son is not to return until he appologizes and grows up. I tell ya, hubby is MAD. I've never seen him this resolute over the "boy".I've been telling hubby all summer that son needs to grow up and realize life is work and responsibilites. Hubby simply said he keeps talking to him about it. Talking got us nowhere this summer. Maybe this action will?

I told the friend he has no idea what my son is really like. The friend said if he can tolerate his deadbeat cousin for a few months then he'll certainly be able to tolerate my son. I don't know about that...... he has no clue what my son is really like.

[kuhio98]

Kim ~ I'm sorry it has come to this. Hopefully, this will be the wakeup call he needs.

Were there clear, concise rules set up when he came home? Was there a conversation about what was expected of him? (Not, what you guys assumed was reasonable.) The reason I ask is because we (meaning I) always assume that people will behave rationally and responsibly, like a grownup. But, that's evidently not what he assumed -- or he thinks he is acting responsibly.

We had to do the same thing with my brother when he returned home. We had to sit down and line out the most basic stuff. You will get out of bed every morning. You will do your own laundry. You will wash it. You will dry it. You will fold it and take it to your room. You will get a job by X date or move out. You will pay rent. You will clean your own bathroom.

Once he knew precisely what was expected of him, he did better.

Sometimes people are uncomfortable holding that conversation. But, it sure saves a lot of headaches in the end.

[catnapper]

Lisa, we did have that conversation. His problem is that he lived for the past year at school without any rules. Sure, he complained left and right about the hassles of sloppy dorm mates and the noise, and how they ate everything he put in the fridge. Now he's doing everything he complained about. He liked the freedom and now he is resenting that he comes home to rules and the expectation of helping the family out. He only wants to help himself and enjoy the benefits of being in a family environment (ie: food cooked for him and dishes washed for him and clean towels and clothes whenever he needs them) without giving back to the family. We all do whatever we need to do in order to make sure everyone is cared for. He likes being cared for but doesn't want care for anyone else.

We've had this conversation many, many times over this summer. Hubby talks to him, he's better for a few days and then reverts back. He needs to grow up. He's 21 and nobody would ever guess it.

[lizbud]

Sad to say Kim, but I don't think a child suddenly becomes this way.
Do you? He's probably gotten away with this behavior for a long time.
This sounds like an extremely frustrating situation for all concerned.

[catnapper]

He came home last night. He wouldn't talk to anybody, except to say that he's only home because he wants the money he needs for school.

Hubby was so disappointed that he couldn't talk to him - he says he needs to wait a day to sit down and tell him how things are going to be.

Myself? I was raging mad. I told hubby to grow some nerve (used another word instead ) and talk to his son. That if he is only here for money, and NOT to be part of the family he can just leave. He's 21. He can get himself a loan. Why does he need to have his hand in our bank account? Hubby was shocked when our youngest daughter agreed with me. She didn't even hear what I had to say, she told hubby what her impressions were and they were word-for-word what I said.

Sooo... he went to bed last night without any reprimand. I woke him up at 8:30 and told him he had ONE job to do today. The bathroom. But seriously, is that job fair for me to give him? You see, we're having our bathroom ripped out next Monday and a new one put in. The bathroom right now is a disgusting mess. Mold everywhere. I told him I want him to take everything out of all the cabinets and leave nothing but soap and shampoo i the bathroom. I told him to scrub in every recess and corner so that when the guys come that we're not embarassed at lost dust bunnies. I told him it'll be a hard job and he has til 11:00 to get it done because I'll need a shower for work. All he did the whole time was say "yup. ah-huh." He wasn't listening. I told him he can't go for a run til its done (thats insuring he DOES the job because he knows I won't let him leave the house for a run.)

I just checked up on him. He's royally cranky, to put it politely and told me I don't have to check up on him a hundred times (that was the first check.) I told him that he has no choice, that if he's here just for money then I'm the manager of his new job and he's got to earn his money. Technically, cleaning this bathroom is earning quite a staggering hourly rate. This project will probably end up costing me $200

*sigh* No wonder I've been in a fog the past few days. I made a bunch of stupid ---STUPID!--- mistakes at work. Thank goodness my manager checks paperwork and caught one mistake and another was a personal friend who was supposed to get her furniture yesterday - I wrote down her cell number wrong Anyone else other than my friend would have been screaming and threatening to cancel their furniture. All my mistakes were simple "not paying attention" mistakes. I have an understandable excuse (I hate excuses) right now but I'm going to work hard to focus myself so these stupid mistakes don't keep occurring... thank goodness I have not made any little mistakes like this before, so they'll be readily forgiven by my bosses.

[Craftlady]

Dont beat yourself up about work errors. IF everyone was perfect all the time that would be a mircle. However, making allot of little errors can lead to alarm from the boss and you dont want them on your butt. Focus on work, leave your home problems at home, forcus on the task at hand at work. My advise for the day

[catnapper]

OMG.... he must be REALLY sorry. He's not even halfway done but what he's accomplished already is amazing. He even removed the radiator cover!!! He knew I needed a shower for work so he stopped for a lunch break and for me to shower. Now.... I should have been a teensy bit more explicit for him. When I told him to leave soap and shampoo, she took me litterally. The only things left int he bathroom is soap and shampoo. I have to hunt down the toothpaste and my toothbrush! I don't care - its all in a box in the hallway like I asked him to do. I want to go through everything after work tonight and trash things, and there's a lot of trash that was under the sink!!!!

Either way, he might not admit he's sorry and that he was a major doofus, but his actions are showing it. I'm actually impressed with what he's done. I expected him to do the chore but I never expected him to take it to the level he's taking it. Its what I would have done after he proclaimed his job complete. I'm used to him calling a job done and either hubby or myself finishing it off... yes we're at fault for just letting him off the hook for half-finished projects. It was always just a 100 times easier than fighting with him. Maybe now he realizes we're disappointed in him and he'll at least TRY to help out around here. I told him how impressed I am, and maybe he'll continue to try to impress me. I know he always thought I was impossible to impress. Really I'm not, all you have to do is complete the task given. He's just never done that before.

Craftlady, I'm beating myself up a lot more than my boss ever would because its the same type of little mistakes that have haunted my career. I have been REALLY focused on not making these mistakes at this job and so far have been 100% successful. I just dropped my guard for a few days and it came back to haunt me fast! Shows that I can't go on auto-pilot for even one afternoon. I need to check and double check everything (like I have been doing on this job.) Anyway, my boss won't be too mad either because I have set the store on fire with the sales I've made this week. I have written more than two or three of my coworkers combined this month. My boss asked me again last week if I'd consider staying on as sales associate instead of designer because my numbers are consistently at the top. I've beaten the "king" and have had the highest sales two months out of five now. Only one person has beaten him once in 3 years. Watch my dust! LOL

[crow_noir]

Glad to hear that things are looking up and of your accomplishments.

Also glad that you praised your son when he did what you asked.

Hopefully this is the start to a new beautiful beginning for all of you.

[moosmom]

He came home last night. He wouldn't talk to anybody, except to say that he's only home because he wants the money he needs for school

I assume there was no apology somewhere in there, right?

I'd change the locks and have HUBBY tell him that you're done. Lizbud is right, this didn't just happen overnight. This has been brewing for a LONG time. It's time sonny boy learn on his own just how difficult it is to be an adult.