Life isn't fair.

[JuniorxMyxLove]

These past few weeks have been quite the emotional roller coaster.
Two weeks ago, my grandma was admitted to the hospital with stomach pains. A few days later, she was diagnosed with Pancreatitis and assured that within a week, she'd be home. One week after that, her pancreas began shutting down. Four days ago, she slipped into a coma and the doctors stopped treating her medically. Currently, she's in hospice care and medicated just enough to stay comfortable and pain-free. At this point, we're just waiting for her to pass (doctors don't think she has more than a few days).

My family is amazing and I don't think she's been alone in the room since she was moved to CCU last week. They've been taking shifts so there are always a few people in the room with her. I've been up whenever I can after school.

After we were told that there was basically no hope for recovery, I was kind of a mess. She's the grandparent I've always been the closest to, and the one I never guessed would leave me. Two years ago she was diagnosed with cancer in her throat that required the removal of her vocal cords, but she fought it and recovered. I guess this time around, she just couldn't do it anymore.

Today, I think I finally came to peace with the fact that I'm about to loser her. My aunt was kind enough to step out and give me a few minutes alone with her. We had a good (albeit one-sided) conversation about life and the future. She definitely squeezed my hand a few times, so I know she was listening. I'm pretty sure we agreed that she's gonna keep the creeps away from me next year at college and I promised to force my grandpa to come to my grad party (or, maybe she was just jealous of my Double Chocolaty Chip Frappucino, haha)

I refuse to remember her like this, though. Three days before she was admitted to the hospital, I went out to dinner with her (which I am SO glad I did). She was sassy and lively, just like she's always been. I keep thinking back to the time that she nailed my cousin in the head with a towel for insinuating that she was old () THAT'S the grandma I want to remember.

Also, the hospital staff has been absolutely incredible this entire time. They put up with having 10+ people in her room every day, are always willing to fetch coffee for those staying into the wee hours of the morning, and have done a great job at keeping my grandpa from shutting down completely. In fact, they even got him to tell the story of how he met my grandma the other day They've been married since 1956...amazing.

My other grandpa and his crazy Irish brothers are probably already getting her a beer up in heaven, hehe. She'll certainly have lots of company up there!

I'm still incredibly gutted at the knowledge that this time next week, I will probably have lost my grandmother, but I think that a lot of acceptance happened from me and the rest of my family last night and this morning. It gets easier every day to go to the hospital and see her (today, my grandpa even laughed and ate a little, which is exciting). I'm so grateful that I have such a supportive, tight-knit family. I know we're making it a lot easier on each other.

[Roxyluvsme13]

I'm so sorry . That's horrible.

I went through a similar situation in 2010 with my grandfather. He and my mom were the ones that raised me and he was like my father to me. He was diagnosed with stomach cancer in September, took radiation, and went downhill and passed away in October. It was a terrible time in my life, but I made it through it and know that he's no longer in pain anymore.

The best thing you can do is remember all the good times with your grandmother and not her sickness, like you said. It's good to come to terms with the loss before it happens, that helps so much.

Sending you hugs and best wishes that your grandmother goes easy and doesn't have to endure too much pain.

[kitten645]

I am so sorry to hear of this. I've just lost my mom a month ago under similar circumstances. Please take care of yourself. It hit me much harder than anticipated and I'm just now getting my bearings. It's hard to loose people but it's the circle of life and it's the ones left behind that suffer.Gentle hugs to you.

[momcat]

Things like this are always difficult but I'm sure having your family close by is a comfort to all of you, especially Grandma. Hold on to all of the happy and woonderful memories of the times you shared with her and always keep her in your heart. You, your family, and Grandma are very much in my prayers.

[JuniorxMyxLove]

Since being in AP Literature has pretty much taken over my life, this whole situation is making me think of this one poem, by Emily Dickinson..."We Grow Accustomed to the Dark."
We grow accustomed to the Dark --
When light is put away --
As when the Neighbor holds the Lamp
To witness her Goodbye --

A Moment -- We uncertain step
For newness of the night --
Then -- fit our Vision to the Dark --
And meet the Road -- erect --

And so of larger -- Darkness --
Those Evenings of the Brain --
When not a Moon disclose a sign --
Or Star -- come out -- within --

The Bravest -- grope a little --
And sometimes hit a Tree
Directly in the Forehead --
But as they learn to see --

Either the Darkness alters --
Or something in the sight
Adjusts itself to Midnight --
And Life steps almost straight.

My grandpa seemed to be in much higher spirits even just from when my dad left the hospital tonight. I know we were all really worried how he'd take this, but I actually think he's going to be okay.

I lost my grandpa on my mom's side almost two years ago (April) and it really sucks going through that again so soon.

[Karen]

Kiddo, count your blessings that you've had her around for this long. One of my grandmothers died before I was a year old, and my father's Dad passed away when I was nine, and my other two grandparents when I was twelve and almost, one from each side of the family.

While you may not think you are ready for this, we know you'll get through it if you must. And while losing her this quickly may be hard, in my experience, it's easier than watching a disease rob you slowly of the one you love, like Alzheimer's does and other illnesses.

[Alysser]

I'm am really sorry. It sucks when it's unexpected like this. It seems you're thinking positive which is great! Especially about how you will remember her...she sounds like a cute little old lady Stay strong!

[mrspunkysmom]

I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother's health. Hugs on the way.

[CountryWolf07]

It sucks. I know. I've been there. It's extremely tough to lose a grandparent, especially if you have a close relationship with yours. I know, I did with mine. I miss him everyday. Believe me, you need to take care of yourself throughout this ordeal. I didn't. I changed for a while, I finally did accept the loss after probably 6 months.

[pomtzu]

What Karen said. I never knew either set of my grandparents. Dad's parents passed before I was born, and Mom's when I was very young - maybe when I was 3 or 4.
Cherish all the years that you have had together. Memories are something that no one can ever take from you, and you will look back and smile at them sooner than you ever thought possible.

[JuniorxMyxLove]

Well, she passed away early this morning. Not sure how I'm feeling right now.

I'm off to the barn for some time with the ponies/stress relief and then I don't even know what.

[pomtzu]

So sorry. Be at peace, knowing that your grandmother now has eternal peace, and that she lived a full and active life until shortly before the end.

[Catty1]

{{{{hugs}}}}

[redbird]

I am so sorry to hear this. Good to hear your family is so close knit, at times like these that is so important. I hope when He calls your Grandma, she will pass peacefully from this world into the next.

[RICHARD]

Nothing about life is fair.

There will be a day when you can look back at the feelings you have, at this moment, and say to yourself, "That was tough, but those hours taught me how to be strong and face whatever hurdles I may encounter later on."

Keep your loved ones in your heart and they will never be lost.