Turn them in or keep quiet?

[catnapper]

Hubby and I were talking at dinner about a situation someone we know is in. They are pressed against getting pointing the finger at someone cheating (not on taxes or their spouse, but cheating none-the-less) or keeping the peace and letting it go. If they let it go, nobody gets hurt this time. It doesn't affect anyone's reputation, nothing financial (yet)... its just a wrong that if the person gets away with it a few times, they'll cheat again.

So hubby and I were debating as to what's more important: doing whats right to protect yourself from being cheated on in the future, where it could have snowballing repurcussions where you DO end up losing a lot of things like money, respect, and so on. Or keeping the peace and saving a good friendship more important? Because if you keep the friendship you can be on gaurd and watch from a closer viewpoint instead of the "enemy"

Example:
Lets say the cheating in question is a boy who takes his sister's allowance money. Sis doesn't notice missing money from her piggy bank the first few times, but then it seems like there are less coins in there than the day before. Then one day she catches him in the act of raiding her piggy bank and told him not to do that again. She later complains to her older sister who says to tell mom.... but she's reluctant to complain to mom because she knows he'll be mean to her and she doesn't want to make her life miserable just because she ratted him out.

Which is better? Being the snitch -or- learning from the experience? Snitching would mean a big fight with brother, but safe money. Keeping it quiet would mean he got away with cheating several times and therefore he'll likely try to cheat sis more times til he's caught by mom.

Oh, the things hubby and I discuss!

[cmayer31]

Which is better? Being the snitch -or- learning from the experience? Snitching would mean a big fight with brother, but safe money. Keeping it quiet would mean he got away with cheating several times and therefore he'll likely try to cheat sis more times til he's caught by mom.

The way that I see it is clearly written in your own words. The boy is caught and in trouble if you snitch, but you're money is safe. If you don't snitch you lose the money, possible many times over, and the boy still gets caught.

One way or the other it's going to come to the surface. It just matters if the friendship is worth the loss before the issue rears its ugly face. That's a tough question and I honestly don't know how I'd answer it. I guess it depends on how much I lose vs. the person that I'd lose as a friend. There are a handful of people I would willing put myself at risk for. Outside of those people, I'm #1 and will do what is right to look out for myself and well being.

[sparks19]

My opinion is.... if the friend is cheating you.... they aren't a friend and therefore the "Friendship" is not worth saving. Of course I might be way off base with what we are talking about here lol

But I agree.... eventually it will come out..... But if it is a friend of yours that is being affected by the cheating and they find out you knew and didn't say anything to warn them.... you might lose a true friend.

[catnapper]

Well, technically its not a friend... its a coworker and they'd like to keep things friendly in order to continue having a good working relationship. This coworker is plain nasty and mean to people she doesn't like, and will make their lives miserable. The other woman would like to keep their working relationship friendly without going to the principal and complaining about something the other teacher did.... she figures someone else will either complain about a similar misdeed or another teacher will report her for this incident instead. Hubby says that teachers are the meanest, cattiest women he's ever known! (and I tend to believe him based on the stories he brings home)

[jennielynn1970]

Well, this said teacher... would you actually call it STEALING issue?? I mean, look at what is going on in my district. We just had a principal go to jail because no one in the upper ranks spoke up about what they knew was going on with him (drugs and all). And that led to the cops busting him, in his office at school, NAKED and watching GAY PORN and having SEX TOYS out. I'm not kidding. Thank god it wasn't my school, but the one across town.

If it's something that is harming someone, then something needs to be done. Can you talk to the person, and say "Look, I know what you're doing, and I really don't think it's appropriate/professional, and I really wish you'd stop doing what you're doing." Not saying that you're going to rat on her, but that you know what is going on. She's a teacher, and she's supposed to have some morals and be an example for the children she teaches. I do find that the higher the grade level I go, the worse the teachers treat the kids though. I really miss elementary. They are just evil to the kids in our middle school, or they just don't care enough and let them do whatever the heck they want. We have so many who are on emergency certifications, and they just keep getting extended cause they can't pass their exams!!! It's going to sound horrible, but all the ones in my building are hispanic. Not that they are from Puerto Rico, but they are hispanic in ethnicity. Two of them say that the tests are unfair cause of language barriers, but when they were told they could take the tests in spanish, they balked. They can't read spanish, they only speak it. UGH. The one is our 8th grade guidance counselor. She's pregnant and unmarried as well. What a role model she is for the young, impressionable girls. It's disgusting what the districts can get away with. I love that we have a union, but everyone is so protected, even the worst of the worst, nothing happens to them.

I guess I'd say, after all the rambling, go with your gut. You're going to have to live with your decision. Is it something that you would condone doing? Because if you know what she is doing, and did nothing to stop it, that makes you a participant in her misdeeds. I think it comes down to what you find is morally and ethicaly acceptable.

I think the other thing is this... would they have anything to hold over you?? I mean, whomever it is in this situation?? You don't want it to be the pot calling the kettle black, and then you also have that person saying "If you say something, then I'm telling them about this." You want to make sure that there is nothing that you have done wrong that can come back to bite you. Keep your nose clean and cover your ass is what my father says.

[columbine]

This is a metaphor, but a very good one. Please bear with me.

Boston's being shot up by gangs, bad. But every time there's a shooting (as often as not ofr an innocent bystander) all of a sudden everybody didn't see anything, doesn't know anything, wasn't there, didn't know the people. And the teenagers wear T-shirts with a big stop sign that says STOP SNITCHIN'. It's cool to cover for your homeys, even when they gun down your other homeys.

That's the end result of keeping quiet. In case you hadn't guessed, I disagree.

Love, Columbine

[sparks19]

I would suggest that if she wants to keep a good working relationship with this person that she send an "annonymous" letter stating what has happened.

Working relationships can be hard... especially if the boss is not willing to take any action. Then you are stuck looking like the fool. but if she just lets this go on and on it will destroy her. it's not worth saving the working relationship if it is making her miserable. She is waiting for someone else to do the "snitching" but what happens if that is what everyone is waiting for.... then nothing will be resolved.

[jennielynn1970]

Well, technically its not a friend... its a coworker and they'd like to keep things friendly in order to continue having a good working relationship. This coworker is plain nasty and mean to people she doesn't like, and will make their lives miserable.

Sounds like my teacher associate ("I'm not an AIDE, that's a disease"... can I tell you how tired of that I am. I finally looked at her today and said "No. aide is a word, it means a helper. AIDS is an acronym, it doesn't mean the same thing" She argued of course, and I just said that those of us who are logical thinkers and understand the context of words in their sentences, know the difference.)

My assistant/associate is absolutely hateful. She should have retired years ago. Now she just lives to yell at the kids and get them in trouble, or humiliate them in front of others. I can't stand it. I'm the librarian, the teacher, and she does whatever she can to make things difficult. It's my 2nd year in this position, and I think she's just pissy because she doesn't like change, even though I didn't change much.

She keeps telling the one principal she's trying to get me to give up my "heathen" ways and get back to church and god (which totally ticks me off, because, I may be a heathen, but only I get to make fun of myself in that way.) She's racist and so nasty to the black and hispanic kids. She talks about a time before "THEY" came to the school, before they redistricted the city and made the schools more diverse.

She's just a very unhappy person. This was supposed to be her last year, however she has decided to stay on another 3 years I think. I am sooooo NOT happy about this. I have asked if I could get another assistant, but I don't know if that will happen. Our principal doesn't like to rock the boat. She's very passive aggressive, and sneaky too, and talks about everyone behind their backs, she always says what a "good christian" she is.

HYPOCRISY.

I just can't take her anymore. I'll lost my mind before she retires if they don't switch her to somewhere else!

[jennielynn1970]

I would suggest that if she wants to keep a good working relationship with this person that she send an "annonymous" letter stating what has happened.

Working relationships can be hard... especially if the boss is not willing to take any action. Then you are stuck looking like the fool. but if she just lets this go on and on it will destroy her. it's not worth saving the working relationship if it is making her miserable. She is waiting for someone else to do the "snitching" but what happens if that is what everyone is waiting for.... then nothing will be resolved.

I don't think I'd do the anonymous letter in a school setting, not up here where we are very union heavy in schools. that could be perceived as a threat, and the repercussions could be very bad for the innocent in this party.

I say be direct, be upfront. If this person knows whatever it is, how many others know? The CUSTODIANS ALWAYS KNOW. They gossip to the secretaries, who gossip to others. I find out more things from listening to the custodians gossiping to my assistant than I would ever find out otherwise.

[sparks19]

Jenn.... she sounds like my sister.... never happy. I rarely see her smile unless she is making fun of someone....but most of the time she is just yelling and complaining.

One day when she is having a moment you should just say "so what is it like to be so angry all the time?" Although I imagine that would cause a huge uproar.

It's terrible the boss isn't doing anything about it. There is no room for passive aggressiveness in management.

[jennielynn1970]

The sad thing is that the kids know it. They're not blind.

One boy said to me about a month ago, so perceptive, and so well spoken
"Miss... why is she so bitter?" I just said Jeffrey, she's a very unhappy person, and that's just the way it is. But for a 12yr old, who actually is from Puerto Rico, and not that well versed in english, he hit the nail right on the head with that one.

*One of her favorite stories is how when she was an assistant in a LIFE SKILLS class (downs syndrome and severely mentally disabled and all those kids), there was one student who was a very dark skinned black boy. She said the most fun was when she'd bring in powdered donuts and give them to him so he got his face all white.

Is that sick, or is that sick?!

[BitsyNaceyDog]

Kim- I say hide the piggy bank! Honestly, I really don't know what I'd do in that situation. Is there anyway at all that you can snitch without her knowing who it was that snitched?

She keeps telling the one principal she's trying to get me to give up my "heathen" ways and get back to church and god... She's racist and so nasty to the black and hispanic kids. She talks about a time before "THEY" came to the school, before they redistricted the city and made the schools more diverse.

It's so sad, but I know so many people who claim to be good Christians, yet they are so predigest. Justin has confronted a couple people abut it and they always find a way to dance around the subject and make excuses.

[king2005]

I rarely allow people walk all over me at a work place (I do to a point), but if one is screwing around, & I catch them in the act. I let them know & I'll threaten to go higher up if they do anything & thats my warning.. Now if they do something I find to be really wrong, then I go right to the boss, or HR. For my last issue I went to HR. I never have to worrk about others bothering me because the company is strict on that kind of BS. Since most of us are on contract, its easy for us to be replaced (if thats needed of course).

I don't need friends at work. If they try anything outside of work, the police can do wonderful things!

[sparks19]

I don't think I'd do the anonymous letter in a school setting, not up here where we are very union heavy in schools. that could be perceived as a threat, and the repercussions could be very bad for the innocent in this party.

I say be direct, be upfront. If this person knows whatever it is, how many others know? The CUSTODIANS ALWAYS KNOW. They gossip to the secretaries, who gossip to others. I find out more things from listening to the custodians gossiping to my assistant than I would ever find out otherwise.

Well I mean... send a letter to whoever is in charge... and request to remain annoymous... Like.... just tell them you don't want to start conflict between the co worker and herself but that she feels it should be brought to the attention of those in charge. I dont know if they would flat out tell the teacher who complained or not .... I would hope that they would not... but I think I would let them know that I wish for my complaint to remain annonymous when approaching the teacher in question.

If you must work with this person... and they aren't going to take any real action against her... there is no point in creating a hostile working environment for yourself in the long run.