John Cleese's message to the USA:
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories
(except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing
it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as
'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will
be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced
'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find
you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas
such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn
that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county
is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American
States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5.There is no such thing as "US English." We
will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will
be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only
in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using
guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should
only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts,
and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get
used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will
be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can
be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football."
There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer".
Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby
(which has some similarities to American "football", but does
not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game
which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition
of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
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Originally Posted by AbbyMom
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