If everything is coming your way,
You're in the wrong lane.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I finally got my head together,
and then my body fell apart.
Women and cats will do as they please,
Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Ask not what your country can do for you,
But how much it's going to cost you for them to do it.
My wife is at the mall, trying to jump-start the economy.
Why do we choose between two people for president,
And 50 for Miss America.
Don't lend money to friends, it causes amnesia.
Woman to her doctor:
I just want to live long enough to be a burden to my children.
The light at the end of the tunnel
has been turned off due to budget cuts.
The real reason we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:
You can't post 'thou shalt not steal'
'thou shalt not lie'
'thou shalt not commit adultry'
in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment.
The baby snake looked up at it's mother and said,
Mom, are we poisonous ?
The mommy snake said 'why do you ask ?'.
'Because I just bit my tongue.'
If a parsley farmer doesn't pay his bills,
Can they garnish his wages?
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