Sorry for this being long winded...
With everything going on, I thought I’d let you all in on an update. A few of you have asked me about what’s been going on with me, and rather than send about a bazillion PMs I just decided to post in General. Maybe you’re reading this and saying “Oh goody, another poor me whiney post” and I’ll admit that’s probably what this is going to end up. I do know though that venting things sometimes can help one gain a new perspective on a problem, and as always, I welcome anyone’s advice or thoughts. I first though, have to apologize for all the threads I’ve missed in the last month or so. I feel horrible because I haven’t been able to wish you, my good PT friends, a happy birthday, or congratulate them on a personal milestone, or be there when things are going rough. Believe me when I say in spirit, I am with you all. You are truly a good group of people and I am privileged to call you friends (even though I haven’t met a lot of you in person, you still find it in your hearts to care about me and my family. You have no idea how good that makes me feel). I thank you all for the good thoughts that you send to me and all the prayers and positive vibes that I can feel each and every day. Even though I don’t post a whole lot (if I could, I would post something on every thread), I do read everything! I love sharing and celebrating the joys of life with people I share things in common with, and I also love to be comforting to another in times of sorrow (and it is great knowing that in my sorrow, here I am never alone). Thank you so much PT, you have honestly changed my life for the better!
Now for the actual post…(that took long enough, didn’t it?)Here’s the greatly abridged Readers Digest version (we’d be here forever otherwise lol) of what’s been going on with me:
John (hubby) has been feeling a little better since the weather has cooled down. Minus that virus that nearly put him (and me) in the hospital, his health has been pretty good as of late. Emotionally though, he isn’t doing so well. He feels that he isn’t accomplishing anything because he can’t seem to get a job anywhere. His back prevents him from doing very much lifting and unless you have a college degree, getting a technical job in this area is close to impossible. He has a great deal of experience though, and is very good at anything that involves a computer. Unfortunately, the only places that hire people without diplomas are service based places (fast food, casinos, gas stations etc), who refuse to hire him because he is “overqualified” (Translation, you’re too smart and have too much job experience and we, as management, are afraid you’ll take our jobs away. I can’t get a job at these places either and trust me I’ve tried). Places that involve manual labor are always hiring, but if you can’t lift more than 200 lbs you’re SOL on that front too. People like us with a half-assed college education (some credits, but never finished) are out of luck when it comes to jobs. We don’t qualify for the jobs we would like, but at the same time we’re over qualified for just about anything else. John keeps saying that he wishes that he could get a job anywhere, even if it’s shoveling poo, just so he could support me enough to where I could finish school. Now, he is worried that with us getting evicted (our apartment building was indeed condemned) that we won’t have enough money between the roommates and I to cover the move-in costs on a new place. He feels as if he is letting me down and no matter what I say, I can’t seem to bring him out of his funk.
I’m kind of in a funk too. I’ve been very depressed as of late, so much in fact that I’ve made an appointment with a therapist (I usually am the type of person that avoids therapists). I’ve been in a downward spiral ever since we got the notice to leave our apartment. I busted my wrist (well a small fracture really, but it still hurts really bad L) hitting a wall during one of my emotional trips. I almost got fired, too. I got a really nasty ear infection week before last, and missed a couple of days. We get paid sick leave, but I didn’t have enough to cover both days. Usually, taking a day without pay isn’t a big deal but of course the admin people don’t want you doing it too much (why I don’t know, you’d think taking money out of a persons hide would be an incentive to not miss work, but who says government people are logical). Well I come to work last Tuesday and I get yelled at for taking too many unpaid days off. I’ve taken 4 unpaid days in total. Two involved my car being broken (once when it got stuck in BFE with a blown distributor and the other time when the hood came off the car), the third one involved an auto accident (I was a passenger, but I hurt my neck. I didn’t have to take a full day unpaid, as they let me use what sick time I had to cover some of it.), and then the day when I actually was sick. Now, I had leave time to cover the days my car was messed up but I was not allowed to use it since I wasn’t sick. Anyway, it boils down to I got read the riot act for doing what I was told. Wednesday I was 20 min late because my alarm didn’t go off, and I got stuck in traffic to boot. Once at work, I had to argue with the phone company for an hour, and then John called about apartment stuff (and none of it was good news either). I got yelled at again, for being late and for spending “too much personal time on the phone” which I can see people getting angry at that if I wasn’t doing my job while I was on the phone but I was WORKING as well. Well, unfortunately I lost it completely and went into a total crying fit at work, so bad in fact that I was asked to leave. I left and came home to a police officer being at my apartment because people at work were seriously convinced that I was going to harm myself. The cop though, was very nice and helped me calm down a lot. I thought though, after all that drama, I was for sure fired, but my boss actually apologized for blowing up at me (she wasn’t having the nicest day either) and was worried about me. She said though that she was very glad I came back as I am a very good worker (when I’m not stressed out of my mind!). So my job at least is safe. It is only temporary though, and I’m trying to get a permanent job within the department but it is difficult. I lost out on the last job I interviewed for because a legislators grandson happened to want that very same job. I just have to keep trying I guess, although I have to admit I am getting very discouraged.
All the troubles with jobs and our apartment have put John and me on edge. We’ve been fighting a lot lately, and although we always make up, the fighting makes me very upset and sad. I’m pretty sure it makes John upset and sad too. I really do love him, and the thought of us splitting up hasn’t crossed my mind. He says that he never wants to leave me either, because arguments are easily resolvable and nothing is worth throwing away the time we’ve invested in each other. It isn’t as if we have a problem with each other, we just have a problem with life in general.
There is a positive note to this. The furkids have been doing quite well. Onyx is growing like a weed. He is going to be a very big boy when he gets done! Remus and Spook have been their normal selves, although Remus has been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me and Spook is trying to figure out why her daddy is upset. I do think that both of them (and Onyx too to a certain degree, although I think he is still too young to care too much) know we are upset and stressed and want nothing than to make meowme and paw paw feel better. The rats have been doing well too. Banana has become quite the little trickster. The other day, he figured out how to get his food dish out of the cage! Soon, I think I am going to have to put locks on his cage doors. Dorian continues to do her normal gecko thing (eating and sleeping mostly).
Anyway…that’s my life. Really the only things that are keeping me sane are John, the furkids, you guys and my music (John and I have started making our own techno music. You’d be surprised at how good being creative makes you feel). I don’t know what’s going to happen from here. All I can do is keep on living as best I can. I’ll try to post more often though, and hopefully soon I can get a hold of a camera and get some new pix of the furies.
And since you’ve made it this far, I’ll close with a simple thank you. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to hear about the struggle of someone you hardly know. Thank you for helping me cope. Thank you for being my friend.
Peace, Love, Unity, and Respect (P.L.U.R)
~Fyrewolf.
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